Me, Mistake, and Irene Series 2
by celebrityaddict
Summary: Second series of Me, Mistake, and Irene. If you liked the first, you'll love this! Will have up to 22 episodes D. [R&R]
1. Irene Returns

Short Summary: Vince meets Irene…meanwhile Leo contacts Grace once more.

Authors note: Pretend in my last one, Grace never had a baby. Ha, ha, ha enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything of the original characters in "Will and Grace"

SCENE I: Will's apartment

WILL: (Bringing in bags) so how was your flight?

IRENE: Tiring, I would be sleeping now but I'm still on California time.

GRACE: We really missed you. How's college treating you over there?

IRENE: Ugh I don't want to talk about school. What's new with you guys?

JACK: Well I work at a gay TV network now, yeah it's called Out TV

GRACE: I am no longer seeing Leo.

WILL: I have a boyfriend.

EVERYONE: (Looks at Karen)

KAREN: Come on you guys you know I'm still the same person. Beat Fine I recently learned how to write with a pencil in between my boobs, you want to see?

EVERYONE: (Nods and sets up a piece of paper in front of Karen)

SCENE II: Will's Apartment

GRACE: (Stumbling into the living room) Hi.

WILL: What's wrong with you?

GRACE: Nothing I just didn't get much sleep last night kept hearing people next door (talks through the side of her mouth) doing stuff.

WILL: Old Lady Dwindle lives there.

GRACE: You let a woman named Old Lady Dwindle move next door to us?

WILL: She was here before we were.

GRACE: Ok then let me just say she had A LOT of fun last night.

WILL: Ew…

GRACE: (Sits down)

WILL: (Pours her coffee)

GRACE: Thanks. So do you have any plans with Irene?

WILL: I cant, I have a date with Vince (sits down with Grace) I was hoping you can take her out.

GRACE: I cant I have been really busy lately.

WILL: Well someone has to take her under their wing today.

GRACE: She hasn't met Vince yet, has she?

WILL: No.

GRACE: (Raises an eyebrow)

WILL: Don't give me that look.

GRACE: I smell something fishy.

WILL: I think that's the fish you stole out of the fridge yesterday rotting under you bed.

GRACE: Will…

WILL: I'm serious I want my fish back.

GRACE: Will.

WILL: All right! (Stands up and pours himself another cup of coffee) So what if she doesn't know Vince?

GRACE: You know that's not the direction I was heading for.

WILL: I don't think Vince needs to know that I have a daughter.

GRACE: I think he does.

WILL: Ok well I don't think we're at that point yet I don't think he's ready to take something like that.

GRACE: Take her on your date Will, it'll be fine. Introduce them have a little chat and at the end of the date break the news to him.

WILL: (Shakes his head) No, no, no, no, no aint going to happen I'll just ask Jack and Karen.

SCENE II: Jack's Apartment

WILL: What do you mean you guys cant?

KAREN: Honey I wish I could but frankly I don't want to, you know how much I hate Dorothy.

WILL: (Rolls his eyes and sighs) Jack?

JACK: Will, I work now. Out TV holds a tight shift I cant look after her. Plus, isn't she like 20? She can take care of herself. You're so clingy.

KAREN: Irene's 20? She looks 10 with implants.

WILL: I don't want her first day in New York being spent with herself, take her out and have fun.

JACK: Don't you have a date with Vince? Take her along with you.

WILL: I don't think that'll be appropriate.

JACK: What? It's not like she's never seen two gay men kissing before. She caught me doing some crazy stuff when she was still living with you.

KAREN: She's also kissed a gay guy before, you cant forget that so she knows everything.

WILL: I'm not afraid of Irene seeing me and Vince doing public appropriate things, I'm afraid that Vince will freak out.

JACK: Oh that's easy just say she's your niece. That's what I do with Elliot. He huffs and he puffs but he gets over it.

KAREN: The puffing.

WILL: I don't know Irene has a lot of gay man's daughter pride.

JACK: Just talk it over with her and see what she says, if she doesn't like the idea then she can hang out with me at the office.

WILL: Thank you!

JACK: But talk to her first! I got in trouble with the boss the other day because he caught my tongue in his assistant's ear and I don't think bringing my best friend's daughter will get him off my butt.

WILL: (Kisses Jack)

JACK: Whoa (Pushes Will off of him) You cant touch this.

WILL: Ah yes I forgot you were MC homo.

SCENE III: Grace Adler Designs

GRACE: (Comes in)

KAREN: Hi honey how was the Smith place?

GRACE: Great got the money got smiles and in 10 minutes I have to go to Kendal's place.

KAREN: (Phone rings and picks up) Grace Adler Designs. (Beat and covers the phone) Grace its Leo.

GRACE: Leo? (Beat) What does he want?

KAREN: To talk to you.

GRACE: (Head lowers)

KAREN: Honey, this is just a plod to get you back I'll just tell him you're not available.

GRACE: No! Wait….. (Picks up the phone) Hi Leo…

SCENE IV: Café

IRENE: I'm so excited you're letting me meet your boyfriend. What's his name?

WILL: (Clears his throat) Vince.

IRENE: I'm so glad you're serious with someone. I've always dreamed of having two daddies.

STRANGER: (Looks at Irene weird)

IRENE: (To stranger) Hello.

WILL: Ok before you meet him, there's something I have to tell you. I don't think he's ready to find out that I-

VINCE: (Comes in) Hey Will.

WILL: Vince! Hi! (Hugs him and looks disturbed)

VINCE: Have you noticed that there's a midget in my seat?

WILL: (Laughs) Ha, that's funny! Vince I'd like you to meet Irene. She's my spin off of Grace.

VINCE: (Shakes Irene's hand)

IRENE: It's so nice to finally meet you; I would have known you earlier if I wasn't in California doing college.

VINCE: I like her; she's like a female version of you Will. You two aren't related by any way are ya?

IRENE: Didn't Will tell you? He's my-

WILL: UNCLE!! (Laughs uncomfortably) Irene's my niece. My brother's daughter.

IRENE: (Gives him a look as Will puts his arm around her)

SCENE V: Park.

LEO: Hey.

GRACE: Hi.

LEO: I'm really glad you agreed to meet me.

GRACE: I didn't consult with Will.

LEO: Oh well that explains it…

GRACE: (Tries to smile) Leo, I need you to stop contacting me.

LEO: (Looks confused)

GRACE: I decided to start dating again and unless you stay out of my life we're going to go in circles.

LEO: So why did you agree to meet me here?

GRACE: Because something inside of me still loves you. The other side knows that it'll never be the same. That side's name is Will. (Throws her hands up, baffled)

LEO: I cant stop thinking about you Grace. I don't think I can ever get over this.

GRACE: Oh but you will, one day you'll find a lesser Grace Adler and when you do, when you're given that second chance. Don't screw it up.

LEO: What about being friends?

GRACE: You're in it for the wrong reasons, it'll never work.

LEO: So you don't ever want to see me again?

GRACE: (Beat and sighs) No, I don't.

LEO: Then can you do me a favor?

GRACE: What?

LEO: (Gives her a book) Irene called me saying she'd like to meet up with me while she's still in New York. I am guessing you wont let it happen so give this to her, ok?

GRACE: (Beat and nods)

(They hug)

SCENE VI: Café

IRENE: Hah, you know what's funny? I have my period now so I am going to go to Jack's and borrow a tampon.

WILL: What- Irene?

IRENE: What you didn't know? Jack has a vagina.

WILL and VINCE: (Confused)

IRENE: (Clears her throat and smiles) I hope I'll get see more of you Vince in the future.

VINCE: Nice meeting you.

IRENE: Same. (Leaves)

VINCE: I really like her.

WILL: I got to go.

VINCE: What?

WILL: I have this thing

VINCE: Yeah I suppose I need to leave too my lunch break ended 15 minutes ago. I'll take the check.

WILL: Thanks (Kisses him and runs out)

SCENE VII: Out TV

JACK: Man Will was right you do have a lot of Gay parent daughter pride. (Whistles)

IRENE: So you think I'm wrong.

JACK: I didn't say that but here's a query, say you are going out with Brent and you somehow already had a kid…you have any idea how to break that news to him? I mean you guys are only 20 and Brent cant look at you the same way ever again. He wouldn't see you as a sexy midget he'll see you as a miniature mom!

IRENE: It's different, Jack. Will's 40.

JACK: But he has a kid. Meaning he has some experience with being straight, right?

IRENE: But Vince…

JACK: Vince?

IRENE: Ok I don't know how I would change things between Will and Vince's relationship I think Vince has the right to know.

JACK: Yes he does but do you think he's ready? Put yourself in his shoes.

IRENE: I just met him today, I don't know how he's like…

JACK: Neither do I, I am just guessing that he's not. Will was stressing over this, this morning, Irene. It's no insult to you, he isn't ashamed of having you.

IRENE: (Nods and sighs) Thanks.

JACK: No problem.

IRENE: I hope I didn't keep you from your work.

JACK: That's ok (starts typing on his computer.)

IRENE: Can I tell you a secret?

JACK: You're gay?

IRENE: (Beat) NO!

JACK: Sorry it's just most people come out with that line, what is it?

IRENE: Will doesn't know this yet but, I am not going back to California.

JACK: What? Why?

IRENE: I got a transfer to NYU and I know that's a long way's away but I would like to stay in New York and keep close. In California I don't know I just don't fit. The thing is, if I do transfer here…where would I stay?

JACK: Oh you know I'll take you in any time but my apartment is just a one room apartment, and Grace lives with Will…..

IRENE: I'm positive I don't want to live with a she-devil.

JACK: (Shrugs) I'm sorry Iry I don't think this could happen.

IRENE: Really?

JACK: But hey that doesn't mean you cant visit any chance you get. We love having you here.

IRENE: Jack, I'm transferring and it seems like you guys are pushing me out of your lives.

JACK: Irene, that's not what I said you're taking things out of context!

IRENE: Do you even know what that means?

JACK: I don't know but Will says that a lot to me so I thought I was using it correctly.

IRENE: Jack I cant live without you guys in my live, I mean yeah I know I've done it before when I didn't KNOW y'all but now I do and I like being close. Will is my best friend and I've never had a relationship with my foster parent and it's nice. Having him lie to me like he did to his boyfriend just ruined our friendship!

SCENE VII: Will's Apartment

IRENE: (Watching TV)

WILL: (Comes home) Hey.

IRENE: (Turns off TV and goes to her "bed" (couch))

WILL: I've been looking for you since 2.

IRENE: It's 9 now.

WILL: Well I went to eat dinner while looking.

IRENE: Did you get me anything?

WILL: McDonalds…

IRENE: Oh yay a plate full of zits, yum!

WILL: Look I know you're mad at me.

IRENE: How could you Will?

WILL: I have a reason would you just listen?! Beat I really like this guy.

IRENE: (Scoffs)

WILL: And I don't want to jeopardize anything!

IRENE: (Looks at him)

WILL: And I am making this worse aren't I?

IRENE: Yes you are.

WILL: I thought you'd understand I never thought you and Vince would ever cross paths.

IRENE: Oh is it because I am on the other side of the nation, Will? Me being away doesn't erase my existence!

WILL: Irene you cant talk to your parent like this.

IRENE: Parent? (Laughs) Parent? Last time I checked you were my uncle!

WILL: Oh yeah well (spasm) you're too much like me!

IRENE: Will, it's coming to the point where I feel like I'm not family anymore. When I left you were my best friend and now that I leave for a year it's like we're starting all over again. Let me reintroduce myself. My name is Irene Reese Truman and I am your DAUGHTER. When I first came here I was Irene Phillips, back then, before I changed my name I would have been perfectly fine with you calling me your niece but that's not the case!

WILL: Why does it matter to you that much? My family doesn't even know I have a kid yet! You should be grateful I let you even meet Vince.

IRENE: What does that mean?

WILL: It means you were a mistake! I love you but you were a mistake.

IRENE: (Backs up) Is that how you see me, Will? That 20 years ago you were in doubt, had sex with a woman and in an attempt to stay straight it was a mistake.

WILL: I was never proud of having sex with Diane. It was a mistake. It was unintentional! And now everyday I have to look back at that mistake, at you.

IRENE: (Beat and leaves)

To be continued…


	2. Miss Independent

Short Summary: The gang lost Irene meanwhile Grace develops a secret Will's becomes skeptical of when he finds out. Also Jack's got a secret he's not willing to tell Karen.

Author's Note: I don't know if it's the same company or not but in the late 1990s there was a beer company named Red Bull and it's no longer around but there's the energy drink Red Bull which is mentioned here…

SCENE I: Streets of New York.

WILL: (Meets up with Jack and Karen on a corner of the street at night) Did you find her?

JACK: (Eating ice cream) No but we found the best ice cream parlor there is.

KAREN: (Eating) This rum raisin is rum-riffic!

GRACE: (Runs up to them) I couldn't find her anywhere. I went to the café, I went to the candy store, bakery, another candy store and- (Sees Jack and Karen eating) I knew I should have bought some ice cream!

WILL: Look would you guys focus on the big issue? I lost my Irene!

GRACE: You know who's fault this is, right?

JACK AND KAREN: (Nods)

GRACE: If you never said she was your niece this wouldn't have happened.

WILL: What? I got that advice from Jack!

JACK: (Steps behind Karen and hides behind her)

GRACE: Jack! That's horrible advice to give someone!

JACK: Well I didn't tell Will to lecture on how Irene was a mistake!

GRACE: Will! That is horrible to say to your offspring.

WILL: Hey, hey, hey who's side are you on?

GRACE: There are no sides (talks through the side of her mouth) Jack's.

WILL: I heard that.

GRACE: Huh I didn't say anything.

SCENE II: Will's Apartment

WILL: We should call the police.

GRACE: She's probably just went somewhere and will turn up sooner or later.

JACK: In pieces!

WILL: You're not helping.

KAREN: Ok now everyone calm down, we will see Irene again…even if she is in pieces.

WILL: (Frustrated)

SCENE III: Leo's Apartment

LEO: (Opens his apartment door) Hey!

GRACE: (Comes in) Hi, how are you?

LEO: Good.

GRACE: (Looks around smiling) So…..

LEO: Yeah.

GRACE: How was your date last night with my client Tracy?

LEO: It went well.

GRACE: (Hears a thump)

LEO: Better than I thought! (Laughs) Ok now we can just turn around and leave.

GRACE: Is that Tracy?

LEO: Yeah I guess she just got out of bed!

GRACE: It's 3 PM.

IRENE: Leo I just slipped on the bathroom floor.

GRACE: That's not Tracy's voice.

IRENE: (Goes downstairs and runs back up)

GRACE: Hold it, young lady.

IRENE: (Turns around)

GRACE: This is where you've been? We've been looking for you for a day we were worried.

IRENE: You were worried because I ran away but if I had just left to return to California you wouldn't miss me at all.

GRACE: That's not true, you know that's not true. (Looks at Leo)

LEO: Don't look at me I just gave her a bed to sleep in I slept on the couch.

GRACE: Leo why didn't you call me.

LEO: You told me to stop contacting you and I was afraid that you would somehow manipulate the situation to where I kidnapped her. She ran here by herself.

IRENE: I rode on a subway here alone.

GRACE: You know how dangerous that is?

IRENE: Grace, I am 20, I can take care of myself.

GRACE: I'm taking you home to Will.

IRENE: No! Why should I go back to someone who is sickened when he looks upon me?

GRACE: Will wants you more than Leo.

LEO: I have no problem with her staying Grace.

GRACE: Would you shut up!

IRENE: I'm staying at Leo's place until I get a job and raise enough money to buy my own place in New York.

GRACE: What about UCLA?

IRENE: I got a transfer to NYU and I am taking it and moving here. My first intention was to stay close to Will but now I am just here because New York is my home. Leo has been very kind to take me under his wing.

GRACE: You knew Leo was untouchable you knew that this was the last place we would look for you.

IRENE: You still found me didn't you? (Goes up stairs)

LEO: I would really appreciate it if you didn't tell Will I wouldn't want to stir up any fights.

GRACE: Why shouldn't I tell Will?

LEO: Because we're friends! Because you love Irene and you know she has a real point. If you tell Will she's here she gets dragged home where she'd get move verbal abuse from Will. Calling a child a mistake is verbal abuse and Will should know that as a lawyer!

GRACE: He's a cooperate attorney not a social worker.

LEO: Whatever!

GRACE: This is some plod to get me to love you again right? Holding Irene as ransom for a date or something?

LEO: Stop being so full of yourself she's here by choice!!

GRACE: (Imitating Leo's tone of voice) neh, neh, meh, meh, neh, neh, EH! (Runs out)

SCENE IV: Jacques

JACK: I am worried Karen, I really am.

KAREN: About Irene?

JACK: (Beat) No I hadn't had a boyfriend in AGES

KAREN: (Scoffs) Honey we've already been through this you know when you've met the right guy when your gay natural men-mo detector points at the person.

JACK: (Rearranges his crotch and giggles) You're right but I don't know lately it's just been pointing at me. (Laughs) I guess I'm the best man for me.

KAREN: (Laughs) Oh honey don't ever say that to me again.

JACK: Sorry but you know…..

KAREN: What?

JACK: (Sighs) never mind…..

SCENE V: Will's Apartment

WILL: (Watching TV)

GRACE: (Comes in) I found Irene.

WILL: (Stands up abruptly) Well where is she?

GRACE: (About to tell him but then stops) I just forgot.

WILL: WHAT?

GRACE: (Laughs) I just forgot. Yeah.

WILL: How can you forget?

GRACE: I'm just stupid.

WILL: You're more than stupid, if you were any more stupid you'd be a stump.

GRACE: Then me is stump! (Throws her hands up)

WILL: (Stares at her) You're lying.

GRACE: No I'm not.

WILL: Yes you do you stick out your buck teeth when you lie.

GRACE: (Gasp and covers her mouth) that's mean (Starts running her tongue over her teeth)

WILL: (Sighs) Grace.

GRACE: Ok but don't be mad.

WILL: Why would I be mad?

GRACE: Because she's staying at Leo's place. (Turns her back to Will)

WILL: And how did you find that out?

GRACE: Because I was over at his place.

WILL: Why were you at his place?

GRACE: When did we start playing 20 questions?

WILL: What were you doing at Leo's place?

GRACE: You said you wouldn't get mad!

WILL: What were you doing at Leo's place?!?

GRACE: Ok I was at his place because I played match maker and I just wanted to see how his date went out.

WILL: You're not supposed to do that.

GRACE: Do what?

WILL: Play matchmaker for your ex-husband you should be planning how you're going to murder the second wife.

GRACE: I filed a divorce, that's Leo's job. For husband I mean.

WILL: This is so typical of Irene!

GRACE: Will, would you listen to yourself?

WILL: She knew that Leo's place was the last place I'd look.

GRACE: But you still found her didn't you?

WILL: That's not the point!

GRACE: Are you going to get her or not?

WILL: (Beat) I don't know what's wrong with me…

GRACE: There's nothing wrong with you.

WILL: She's right you know. She's gone for a year and then we're complete strangers.

GRACE: (Shrugs) it's something you have to figure out yourself, I don't know.

SCENE VI: Leo's Apartment

LEO: (Opens the door) Uh-oh.

WILL: (Gets in) Where is she?

LEO: Who?

WILL: Grace told me Irene was here.

IRENE: (Comes out of the bathroom and sees Will)

WILL: Iry.

IRENE: (Clears her throat) Hi. (Takes her purse off the coat rack) Bye.

WILL: Irene?

IRENE: I got a job Will, which where I'll be going now.

WILL: Can you just give me a chance.

IRENE: Ok. (Crosses her arms)

WILL: I didn't mean what I said the other night but you just wasn't getting where I was going with the conversation. Irene, you being a mistake is a fact. But you were the greatest mistake I've ever done. Now that I know your existence, I cant imagine life without loving you. I've always wanted a kid and even though I was 16 years late on receiving the news…you're a wish come true. So what if you didn't come out of Grace like I dreamed? So what if you are smarter than me on life and logicalness. So what if my swimmer went into a women drunk? (Kisses her forehead) I love you.

IRENE: The thing is…I don't like how you treat me like a child and that I am stupid. I am 20, Will.

WILL: I know I tend to do that because I didn't know you when you were a baby. I would like to treat someone like a baby. Look how much I enjoy taking care of Grace. Couldn't you find it in your heart to help me work things out between us?

IRENE: Will…..I'm not going home with you. (Leaves)

LEO: (Beat)Heh, so how are you?

WILL: (Gives him a look)

SCENE VII: Café

NANCY: (To Irene) Table 2 is yours.

IRENE: Ok. (Walks out of the counter and runs back in)

JACK & KAREN: (Sitting at table 2)

JACK: We've been sitting here longer than we usually do.

KAREN: (Snapping in the air) Hey ugly!

IRENE: (Hair covering face and points to herself)

KAREN: Yeah you get your ass over here!

IRENE: (Puts sunglasses on over hair to make it stay there) C-can I take your order?

KAREN: Yeah you can move your hair so we can see your acne covered face (bangs on the table) Come on!

IRENE: (Pushes her hair back and takes off her sunglasses.)

KAREN: Good lord, it IS ugly!

IRENE: (Sighs) Hi Karen can I take your order?

KAREN: And it is help!

IRENE: I am trying to earn money for a place to stay in.

KAREN: Well in that case I am guessing you're going to work here until you're 220.

JACK: Does Will know you're here?

IRENE: No but he caught me at Leo's.

JACK: You're staying at Leo's?

IRENE: Yeah.

KAREN: Midget, do you think that's really smart?

IRENE: It's the only way I can keep away from Will…..

KAREN: I don't get it…..

IRENE: Maybe that's because the air you breathe out makes dogs drunk.

KAREN: No seriously, Dorothy, put yourself in Will's shoes. Say you tried to save yourself from being gay…..

IRENE: Karen, I'm not gay.

KAREN: Don't lie, I see you staring at my chest all the time.

IRENE: Because my height ends at your chest.

KAREN: Nice excuse but it ain't going to work, don't interrupt. Say you tried to save yourself from being a straight person to a curvy person, knocked up with some guy and got pregnant. You think abortion is wrong and you have it, giving it away to a hick family where it can milk cows and sleep with the chickens…..and then 16 years later your kid comes, and you're gay. You're a proud gay man and this kid is the living proof that you tried to not become who you are and if you're a proud gay man the kid's a disgrace. But through Will's eyes…..I don't know what he sees but he loves you. Doesn't that count for anything?

IRENE: I know he loves me but I am tired of being a mistake, when will it ever be where I'm just…..a miracle.

KAREN: Don't you see? You're the lost diamond ring in dog turd.

IRENE: (Looks at her weird)

KAREN: You know, you came out of something ugly but you're precious?

IRENE: (Smiles) I've never thought of it that way…

KAREN: Yep (Takes out a drink from her purse and looks at the can) Dang I am drinking Red Bull thinking it was still a beer company no wonder my brain keeps clicking.

SCENE VIII: Hallway.

WILL: (Comes out to get his newspaper)

IRENE: (Does the same thing coming out from next door)

WILL: Irene!

IRENE: Morning Will

WILL: W-what?

IRENE: (Goes back into her apartment)

WILL: (Comes in after her, skeptical) What?

IRENE: Ever heard of knocking? This is invading someone's privacy!

WILL: Yeah ditto.

IRENE: Ew, don't use slang it sounds like you're going through mid-life crisis.

WILL: Irene did you forget to tell me something?

IRENE: I'm transferring to NYU and I'm staying here to be close to you.

WILL: I thought after our fight you'll go away.

IRENE: Hon, I would like to think we're mature and adult enough to get past it.

WILL: What?

IRENE: Ok I'm going to let you continue to be confused about this situation while I go into your apartment and make pancakes. (Leaves)

WILL: What?!?

END


	3. A Secret Wrapped in a Peanut Shell

Short Summary: Jack spills his secret out to Grace meanwhile Will breaks the news to Vince about Irene. "ONE HOUR SPECIAL!"

SCENE I: Will's Apartment

WILL: (Busy cooking) Grace….

GRACE: (Watching TV) Yeah.

WILL: Help me.

GRACE: Yeah I didn't like that show either (Changes the channel)

WILL: I mean HELP ME!

GRACE: (Jumps) Oh! Oh…..sorry. (Runs to the kitchen and starts plucking Will's eyebrow as he stirs)

WILL: Careful not to get the hairs in the soup)

GRACE: I know I know (Takes out a plastic bag and holds it under Will's nose)

JACK: So this is what a Hindu God looks like doing housework.

WILL: Jack today is very important day.

JACK: So you're coming out to Vince it's 10 AM and you're already making dinner? Last time I looked at a calendar Thanksgiving was months away.

WILL: Today is the day I tell Vince Irene is my daughter.

JACK: I don't see how that's a big deal I mean I never got so serious with a guy that I introduced him to Elliot other than Stuart.

WILL: You never got serious with another guy period with an exception of Stuart.

JACK: Ok you can take your insults and stick it up your-

IRENE: (Comes in) Hi daddy!

JACK: Hi baby!

IRENE: (Smiles) Hi other daddy…..

WILL: Irene!! Come help me stir.

IRENE: Ok. (Goes to the kitchen and starts helping Will cook)

WILL: Thanks (Goes and sits down in the den watching TV as Grace follows continuing plucking and sighs, relaxing)

IRENE: (Confused)

KAREN: (Comes in and looks at Irene) Hi Will. (Goes over to the den) Irene, Grace. (To Jack) Smitty, get me 2 martinis and a bowl of olives. Here's a syringe thingy (takes out a needle) soak the olives in salt water and fill the juices back up with vodka. Thanks ("shoots" Jack and winks)

JACK: (Confused at first then nods)

SCENE II: Grace Adler Designs.

GRACE: (Stacking rolls of cloths against the wall)

JACK: (Comes in) Hey G- have you seen Kare?

GRACE: She left for lunch a minute ago I bet if you stay you can catch her in a couple of hours.

JACK: No that's ok but can I hang out?

GRACE: Hang out? With me?

JACK: Yeah.

GRACE: (Amazed) Sure.

JACK: (Sits next to Grace)

GRACE: (Smiles) This is nice I cant remember the last time we bonded.

JACK: Yeah great, sure, whatever, uh huh. (Smiles) That's a nice looking blueprint you got going on there.

GRACE: This isn't a blue print I am actually doing an abstract drawing.

JACK: Oh I get it…..looks like a penis.

GRACE: It's supposed to be abstract of…..

JACK: Of what?

GRACE: A penis. (Takes it back)

JACK: I like, I feel it, uh huh, I get it.

GRACE: Jack what do you want?

JACK: Nothing.

GRACE: No really.

JACK: (Shrugs)

GRACE: What? You can tell me.

JACK: No.

GRACE: Ok…..

JACK: I mean I would like someone to know but Irene and Karen are out doing something…..I would like a shoulder to lean on…..a female shoulder. Someone who gets me and could keep a secret. I mean I've never been in this situation before-

GRACE: Either tell me or shut up.

JACK: I love Will.

GRACE: WHAT?

JACK: WHAT?

GRACE: WHAT?

JACK: WHAT?

GRACE: WHAT?

JACK: WHAT?

GRACE: (Beat) WHAT?

JACK: WHAT?

GRACE: (Closes her eyes and winces) Oh no, no, no…..

JACK: Please don't tell.

GRACE: (Puts her hand on her chest) I just swallowed my puke. I just swallowed my sick, you happy now Jack?

JACK: I didn't mean to UGH!

WILL: (Comes in) Look who brought samples from tonight's dinner!!

JACK: Hi Will.

WILL: Hey Jack.

JACK: You look good.

WILL: (Looks at him weird)

JACK: Yeah your third chin is slimming down a bit.

WILL: Much better (Kisses him on the cheek)

JACK: (Leaving) I'm going to go to the café and chat with Irene so yeah.

WILL: I brought a spoonful of Manhattan chowder, a flake of a biscuit and a spoonful of potatoes.

GRACE: Wow when you said samples you were literal.

WILL: Yeah I have to go back in 15 minutes to reheat everything and make lasagna.

GRACE: This is so great. Ok bye.

WILL: Wait, wait, wait, where are you going?

GRACE: I am going to…..gossip and see how many people believe I'm only 20.

WILL: Fantastic.

GRACE: Oh I'm being rude aren't I? OK (Eats all the samples and kisses Will) Bye!

SCENE III: Café

IRENE: You what?

JACK: I know, I know it's so "Friends" I know.

IRENE: Jack this is huge. Bigger than the Vince thing!

JACK: I know I have no idea how to tell him

IRENE: Wait don't be so hasty. Him and Vince are getting serious you cant just…..Eh!

JACK: I know I cant but you know once Vince knows you're his daughter it's going to be official. Vince is your second daddy.

IRENE: Ugh I don't want Vince to be my dad, I want you!

JACK: I know you do but that's not the answer either because then we cant make out everyday.

IRENE: Good point. I'll talk Will out of tonight.

JACK: No you cant don't you see how into dinner he is? It's like making a homo like women again.

IRENE: Jack, trust me…..(giggles) I'm going to have Jack as a daddy!

JACK: Sh (spits)

IRENE: (Wipes her eye) And time for me to get to work.

GRACE: (Comes in) Jack.

JACK: (Looks around)

GRACE: JACK!

JACK: (Jumps)

GRACE: (Sits with him) Looks mister you don't tell me you have feelings for Will and just skip out.

JACK: I ran out

GRACE: YOU SKIPPED. Look that's not the point I want to know why you like him and just everything. EVERYTHING.

JACK: Ok (beat) just give me a second to think (beat) Ok (beat)

GRACE: Come on!

JACK: Pushing goes no where! Now I am going to stall for one more minute because you did that. (Beat) Ok ever since that time on the boat with Karen and two filled popcorn tin of Stan. I knew something happened that night and we were so close becoming an item before Karen came in and assured us all we did was cuddle and fart.

GRACE: Man I wish I had a person who'd stay and deal with my farts.

JACK: (Looks at her weird) anyways there's been signs and maybe I'm desperate and lonely at this moment but-

GRACE: Jack, Will's your best friend. Think this over can you picture you being me?

JACK: (Big eyes) No…

GRACE: Right and you call him my husband. If you're his wife you're me.

JACK: (Squirms)

GRACE: Yeah so can we just keep this quiet for tonight?

JACK: I don't think you get it, when Will tells Vince he has a daughter than means it's serious, they're serious.

GRACE: Because they are. Think about it this way, if you were to be with a man you loved so much he knows and understands about Elliot.

JACK: Stuart, I told Stuart.

GRACE: Yes exactly, what if Will had a thing with you back then?

JACK: I would have shrugged it off and said he cant have me.

GRACE: That's what Will's going to do. Guaranteed….

JACK: Guaranteed?

GRACE: (Nods) Definitely. So let's just wait and see what happens you might be lucky and find that Will and Vince break up in the future.

JACK: But what if that doesn't happen? What if this is my last chance?

GRACE: Then to be really honest, it wasn't meant to be. I'm sorry. But I can see why you like him. You've known him your whole life and now he might be out of your grasp forever. I remember Will feeling like that about me when I met Leo. It happens…..

JACK: Yeah ok (sad) I-I would really like it if Karen or Will never hear about this.

GRACE: Why not Karen?

JACK: She'll just taunt me and be really inconsiderate.

GRACE: (Rubs his back) Ok so you told Irene?

JACK: Yeah.

GRACE: What she say?

JACK: N-nothing important. (Forces out a smile)

GRACE: (Smiles back) Ok I left my studio unlocked with a gay lawyer off his leash I should probably make my way back.

JACK: Yeah.

GRACE: Are you sure you're-

JACK: I'm fine.

GRACE: Ok I'll see you tonight at dinner (leaves)

IRENE: (Comes back) I overheard. So what are you going to do?

JACK: I am going to think it over all this attention is overwhelming me.

IRENE: I'll pay for your order.

JACK: Thanks I'll see you tonight.

SCENE IV: Will's Apartment

WILL: (Setting the table) Where's Irene? She's late…..

GRACE: Don't worry she probably had to bus tables from late customers.

WILL: I need her to set the table.

GRACE: Uh Will, see how I am putting bowls on the table? Is this not "setting"?

WILL: It is and you're doing a great job but Irene does it better. (Adjusts some bowls) She doesn't shove all the food on her side of the table.

JACK: (Sitting on the couch, reading a magazine)

WILL: Jack.

JACK: I already told you I'm not helping.

WILL: I know but lately you've been looking off.

JACK: My Johnson's up?

WILL: (Winces) No Mr. Kitty in heat. You look sick. (Feels his forehead) I don't know what's with you. You haven't insulted me much, you tried your best not to annoy me.

JACK: Yeah I guess you're right I MUST be physically sick. (Rolls his eyes)

WILL: Oh it's that time of the month.

JACK: (Scoffs and leaves, slamming the door)

WILL: What's his problem?

GRACE: I don't know but something tells me you should be more sensitive towards him.

WILL: Yeah I guess I was a little harsh with him. But I was just playing.

GRACE: It doesn't matter, what matters is how the other person takes it.

WILL: Why do you care?

GRACE: I've always cared.

WILL: Not this much. Is something up? Is Jack planning to ruin my night?

GRACE: Will, if anything, he's trying to make it your best.

WILL: If you say so.

SCENE V: Hallway

IRENE: (Gets off of elevator and sees Jack at Jacques) Hey you're looking blue.

JACK: Will kind of taunted me.

IRENE: Aw…..want to come into my apartment?

JACK: Arent you going to Will's?

IRENE: Yeah but I'm not ready, I'm going to shower and change.

JACK: Oh ok.

IRENE: Come on (takes his hand and drags him into her apartment)

JACK: Wow…..empty.

IRENE: Well I did just move in.

JACK: You have no furniture what-so-ever where do you sleep?

IRENE: I sneak into your apartment at 2 AM to sleep on your couch and leave at 5.

JACK: Oh you know I'd let you-

IRENE: I know but I want to pretend I am independent.

JACK: (Sits on a box)

IRENE: Want to talk about it? (Messes with his hair)

JACK: You know I'm probably making it too big of a deal I'll just huff it off.

IRENE: Ok I'm going to go shower now-

JACK: No come here (Pouts)

IRENE: (Hugs him) It's ok, lets just follow Grace's advice and keep it quiet…..just tonight, ok? You can tell him tomorrow I mean sure that'll confuse him and ultimately destroy a bit of him & Vince's relationship but I have a feeling you cant wait until they separate.

JACK: I cant.....

IRENE: Things are getting too serious between them two, I know.

JACK: (Sighs and lets go of Irene)

IRENE: Where's Karen? You know I haven't seen her all day.

JACK: She called me an hour ago saying that she was going to go rabbit hunting with Rosario and make her a new coat. (Laughs and then sighs)

SCENE VI: Will's Apartment

WILL: (Setting the last plate)

IRENE: (Comes in) Hey…..I'm too dressed up. (Happy to sad)

WILL: That's ok you look good! I'm going to switch into a suit soon and Grace are you going to wear that?

GRACE: What's wrong with what I'm wearing?

WILL: It makes you look bloated.

GRACE: Oh you mean fat?

WILL: No.

IRENE: What Will means is that you look like crap, go change into something that looks good.

WILL: NO!

GRACE: (Shrugs) Ok.

WILL: How do you do that and not make her spit on you?!?

IRENE: I have a gift with words.

JACK: (Comes in dressed in a suit)

WILL: Hey good looking, please tell me that's not my suit.

JACK: No it's my graduation suit and your power tie.

WILL: Ok that works. My turn to change! (Runs to his bedroom)

IRENE: (Turns Jack around) Bend down.

JACK: Whoa, if I am going to be your second daddy-

IRENE: Just do it.

JACK: (Gets on his knees)

IRENE: (Fixes his tie and hair) so have you decided what you're going to do?

JACK: I just want to get your opinion on this- IF I just so happen to declare my love to William Truly fat man, what would his response be?

IRENE: (Shakes her head) I don't know. It's not like he would be like, "Oh Jackie finally all these years" or anything like that. But somewhere deep inside Will.....he has feelings for you I am so sure of it.

JACK: (Stands up) so when should I tell Will that I love him?

IRENE: (Looks over Jack's shoulder and sees Will and whispers) he's behind you.

JACK: Really?

IRENE: Yeah…

JACK: (Loud, fake) so when should I tell Will that I love his little daughter you!! (Picks up Irene and turns around) Oh hi Will I didn't see you there. (Lets Irene down, beat) How long have you been standing there?

WILL: Long enough. Now I might not have cleaned my ears out since two days ago but did you say you love me?

JACK: Don't be full of yourself you're not that cute.

IRENE: (Smiles) you change quicker than Grace.

WILL: It takes Grace a day to get dressed.

IRENE: I'm just going to go over to the den. (Jerks Jack over there too) He knows just stop being such a macho, Will-hating Jack and be the sensitive Will-loving Jack. I mean yes it'll screw things up for him and Vince but who knows?!? You two can hit it off, you two have history and friendship.

JACK: What if this wrecks everything? I mean we're friends but what if we do hook up but we break up. Then what?

IRENE: You have to be a risk-taker sometimes. It's up to you. (Goes over to the dinner table and sets silverware)

WILL: (Still standing in the living room, gaping)

JACK: (Cautiously steps out of the den) hey.

WILL: Jack…..

JACK: Ok so you caught me but believe me I busted my booty trying to keep my mouth shut tonight just so you can get married peacefully.

WILL: I just want you to know that this changes nothing.

JACK: (Nods)

WILL: I still love Vince and this night is still going to be a serious step in me and Vince's relationship!

IRENE: (Sighs to herself)

JACK: (Nods) Well at least you know now I can be open about it.

WILL: Not tonight we'll talk about it later.

GRACE: (Comes back out, dressed) How do I look?!?

EVERYONE: (Flatly) great.

GRACE: I missed some kind of drama didn't I?

SCENE VII: Will's Apartment

VINCE: (Eating) I don't see what the big occasion is, it looks like thanksgiving.

EVERYONE: (Smiles and fake laughs, obvious no one is in the mood in having this dinner anymore)

VINCE: So Irene it's nice seeing you again.

IRENE: Yeah it's nice seeing you too how are the crimes?

VINCE: I pulled over this guy and hit the jackpot.

IRENE: (Smiles and nods) what does that mean?

WILL: Vince says jackpot to describe a guy driving over speed limit with bags of pot in the back.

IRENE: Oh it's a play of words…..clever.

(No one laughs and it's still silent)

GRACE: Vince, you look good. Been working out?

VINCE: Yeah.

GRACE: (Beat) you're supposed to comment me now (smiles)

VINCE: Your Valentino dress is making me want to go drag.

GRACE: (Laughs and tosses hair into Irene's face, snorting)

IRENE: (Scoots over more towards Jack)

WILL: (Chews angrily on his food and glares at Irene)

IRENE: (Whispers to Jack) I feel really bad.

JACK: Since when did Will get x-ray vision?

WILL: Ok I think we had enough of dinner.

VINCE: Yeah I'm pretty stuffed I knew I shouldn't have stopped at Krispy Crème before I came here.

WILL: (Smiles and laugh) Listen Vince, I didn't know how to tell you…..this is the reason of the whole dinner. Um….. (Looks at Irene and looks at Jack, seeing them holding hands and shakes his head) Um…..Vince, remember how I said Irene was my niece?

VINCE: Yeah?

WILL: She isn't.

VINCE: Oh is that it? You made all this trouble just to tell me you told me a little white lie?

WILL: No there's more to that. (Beat and looks at Grace looking supportive, giving a nod.) But before I tell you I have to talk to Grace.

GRACE: (Gets dragged by Will over to the den) What tell him!

WILL: What if I am right?

GRACE: What?

WILL: What if Jack's right? What if by telling Vince I have a kid I'd be marrying him?

GRACE: I know this is serious…..I mean this is huge! Do it…..I mean (closes her eyes and think) What if Jack had told you that he had feelings for you after you told Vince. Would it change anything? Did the past 20 minutes change anything?

WILL: (Thinks)

GRACE: It's up to you…..you think about it. Go. I'll stall.

WILL: (Goes to his bedroom)

GRACE: (Sits and smiles all around and gives a little nod to Irene)

IRENE: (Stands up) Excuse me. (Follows Will)

(In Will's bedroom)

IRENE: Dad?

WILL: (Already sitting in bed with hands on his forehead)

IRENE: (Smiles a little) I'm sorry, Will.

WILL: It's not your fault. (Strokes Irene's arm)

IRENE: Please don't say that Jack confused you.

WILL: (Shrugs)

IRENE: We did our best to keep it from you…..just from tonight.

WILL: I know you did, sweetie.

IRENE: (Sits on the bed with Will and puts her head on his shoulder) what are you going to do now?

WILL: I don't know, I mean, I don't like Jack…..at least I don't think I have any feelings for him. But now I'm wondering if I do.

IRENE: If you don't, you don't, it's ok, Will. You want my advice?

WILL: Yes?

IRENE: Don't make this night a waste. Tell Vince and if later on you know absolutely sure that Jack is more than a friend then it'll still be ok.

WILL: Meaning?

IRENE: Either way, you have two men who love you and would give anything to be with you. You just have to choose. (Leaves Will alone)

GRACE: All I am saying is that if we have free of speech why do you guys say, "You are under arrest anything you SAY or do can and will be held against you in a court of law."

VINCE: It's just so we can get the person to shut up.

GRACE: What if he doesn't want to shut up?

VINCE: We'd put the cuffs on super tight and hope that when he's entering our squad car he hits his head on the metal gate between front and back seat. I mean after you hear 50 people saying they did nothing wrong it gets pretty annoying so we get frustrated.

IRENE: (Sits down and smiles as Will comes out of his bedroom)

WILL: (Sits down) Hi.

VINCE: Hey fluffer nugger.

WILL: (Laughs) don't call me that in front of my daughter.

VINCE: What? (Smile disappears)

WILL: (Sighs and winces) I meant to break the news to you in a more formal way.

VINCE: Who's your daughter?

IRENE: (Sinks into her seat and raises her hand) That's why I resemble Will so much.

VINCE: I cant believe this!

WILL: Sorry I didn't tell you sooner.

VINCE: No I can't breathe. (Gasping) my throat is closing up.

WILL: Oh come on it's not that bad.

VINCE: Seriously!

EVERYONE: (Starts panicking)

WILL: Someone call the ambulance!

GRACE: (Gets the phone)

VINCE: I cant breathe, I cant breathe.

WILL: Jack, you're a nurse do something!

JACK: I cant perform CPR if the air pathway's closed, he must have gotten an allergic reaction!!

WILL: Vince, everything's going to be ok, keep concentrating on your breathing.

SCENE VIII: Hospital

WILL: (Comes out) He's allergic to peanut oil and I put a pinch in the soup.

JACK: He's going to be ok though right?

WILL: Yeah just a mild reaction.

GRACE: Wow…..what's worst than having this reaction from your partner after telling him you have a kid?

WILL: Thanks Grace.

GRACE: I'm just saying. I'll never see another peanut the same way again.

JACK: (Laughs)

GRACE: Not that kind- oh forget it.

KAREN: (Sees them sitting in the patient's room) Gang?

JACK: Karen! Oh my goodness, what happened to you?

KAREN: (Arm in sling) I was picking up a rabbit that I caught with the good ol' carrot-box trap when Rosario thought I was a rabbit and shot me with a bb gun.

GRACE: If she shot you with a bb gun why is your arm in a sling?

KAREN: Oh I sprained it trying to win a bet of doing 40 shots in 20 seconds.

IRENE: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard, not only physically impossible.

KAREN: Oh yeah? Want to bet on that? (Takes out a wad of cash out of her chest)

IRENE: I stand corrected.

JACK: Oh Kare, is it bad?

KAREN: (Laughs) Oh no, the doctor gave me pain killers and instructed me to take 20 a day.

GRACE: What?

JACK: (Holding the bottle) It says 2.

KAREN: Honey, that was a typo, see the 0 written in pen after the 2?

JACK: Oh….. (Realizing)

KAREN: So why is the gay parade here?

GRACE: Will poisoned Vince.

WILL: What? I did not! I didn't know he was allergic to peanut oil! And this isn't my fault, its Jack's!

IRENE: Will, Jack has nothing to do with your soup and peanut oil.

WILL: I know but this night has gone down the drain because of him.

GRACE: I have to be with Irene on this one, would you just cool it.

WILL: (Grunts)

GRACE: COOL IT.

KAREN: Wow times like this I just want to…..take my medication. (Takes a pill) Now what's this I hear about Jack?

JACK: Tell you later.

WILL: Jack has a crush on me.

EVERYONE: (Groans)

IRENE: We were trying to keep it from Karen.

KAREN: Que?

JACK: No offence Kare, but I tell you everything and I would like a few secrets of my own.

KAREN: And share it with Dorothy and Scarecrow?

IRENE: Which one's which?

KAREN: (Thinks) Eh, it could go either way. (Beat) Oh Jackie, I knew you were lonely but I didn't know you were this lonely.

JACK: That's just the thing! I mean every time I do something you disapprove you get on my ass like…..an ass!

KAREN: Donkey?

JACK: It could go either way.

KAREN: Jack if its support that you want (beat) you were right about not coming to me.

JACK: (Huffs)

KAREN: But to be perfectly honest I have been waiting for your two kids to hook up ever since I gave birth to you.

WILL: (Confused) we are not hooking up.

IRENE: Dad, can you be more sensitive?

WILL: No because Jack always has to be the center attention, now he is! What does that leave me? You know everyone has been talking and caring about only Jack and Jack's crush but what about me? Doesn't anyone here think that tonight would be super important to me?

GRACE: We did, we tried to-

WILL: Save it.

IRENE: We did, really hard. Doesn't that count for anything?

WILL: I love Vince ok? I can live without knowing Jack has feelings for me.

KAREN: Honey, so can the rest of us.

WILL: Shut up. You don't even know what happened today!

KAREN: No but I do know that the whole hospital knows you're gay now.

WILL: (Gives her a look)

KAREN: (Looks at her watch and randomly put another pill in her mouth and looks around)

GRACE: You're making this a bigger deal than it really is.

WILL: So what if I am?

IRENE: We're asking you to cool it, what's your problem?

WILL: I love Jack too!

JACK: (Gasp) I did not see that coming. (Puts a hand on his chest)

WILL: I always have but I was in denial. Have been for like a couple years now and right when I meet this guy who can be my potential life partner Jack comes to me and says that he likes me? Out of no where? This is SO "Friends!"

JACK: That's what I said.

IRENE: (Hits him)

JACK: Ow.

KAREN: Honey, don't do that, hit him in the head like this. (Hits Jack on the head)

JACK: (Spazes and calms down again)

GRACE: Ok look this is getting too soap opera-y for my taste so lets do each other a favor and…..get me a bag of chips.

IRENE: Can we just forget all of this happened.

WILL & JACK: No.

IRENE: Ok (Stands up) so what are you guys going to do next? Will are you going to dump Vince for Jack? Jack do you seriously think you can carry on a relationship with Will for more than a month? If the answer's, "Yes" then go ahead otherwise stop talking about the same situation over and over again!

JACK: I think I can at this moment but knowing my tendencies I'll probably end up hurting Will.

WILL: I can always pretend that Jack never said anything…..things ARE getting serious for me and Vince. Too serious…..

JACK: Yeah.

WILL: Yeah.

IRENE: Ok then it's settled.

VINCE: (Comes out) They put a needle through my neck…..

IRENE: Hello second daddy! (Hugs him)

VINCE: I'm not ready for this…..

END


	4. Secrets on Apartments

SCENE I: Jack's Apartment

IRENE: (Eating carrot sticks tilting her head)

JACK: (Posing in "straight" clothes) you've been staring for an hour now is it hot or not?

IRENE: (Tilts her head the other way) I'm feeling something I'm just not sure what it is. You may what to rethink those pants they make you have a huge bulge right in the "uh-huh."

JACK: (Doing a retarded voice) that's why I am wearing them.

IRENE: I don't like your arms.

JACK: What's wrong with my arms?

IRENE: They are too big, I mean I know it's all muscle (scoffs) but when you're not flexing it just looks flabby.

JACK: So should I just like flex the whole time (Flexes for her)

IRENE: (Amazed) Yeah that'll work.

KAREN: (Comes in and winces) Geez, Jack put on a shirt and proper pants you look like a male prostitute.

IRENE & JACK: That's why he's/I'm dressed like that/this.

KAREN: What da-bi-do-bi-de? Great, the homo voices are back in my head. (To Irene) Dorothy, fancy seeing you here. What are you, homeless?

IRENE: I don't have a bed in my apartment yet so I sleep on Jack's couch which would be nice if it had sheets.

JACK: (Gives her a look)

IRENE: (Smiles)

KAREN: Oh honey, all you have to do is ask! I would be happy to decorate your place!

IRENE: Karen, you're not an interior designer.

KAREN: Well I am next to one most of the day you'd think some of her cheap fabrics would rub off on me.

IRENE: No offence but I don't want my apartment be filled with pelts. I have dreams where stuff made out of real animals come to life and tries to even the score. (Looks cautiously at Karen's coat) Is that real Minx?

KAREN: (Laughs) Everything I own is real minx.

IRENE: (Scoots away from Karen)

KAREN: Oh honey, just tell me what you want and I can give it to you, free of charge.

IRENE: Really?

KAREN: No, I just wanted to see how it'd sound coming from me. (Starts spitting and sticking out her tongue.)

JACK: Well lovers I would love to stay and chat but I have to woo a man.

KAREN: I thought you were over Will.

JACK: You think I can stop just like that? (Snaps) I need to flirt and stick to him until I get sick of him and start hating him.

IRENE: If you do that wont you actually like him more and start loving him.

JACK: (Spits out his tongue) you know nothing (Leaves)

SCENE II: Irene's Apartment

KAREN: Wow so this is what your head looks like. Empty and full of air.

IRENE: Karen, I didn't invite you to insult me. You insisted that you decorate my place so I am letting you. I don't know why, but I'm letting you.

KAREN: (Covers her nose) Smells like fat men been here sweating and rotting in the sun here. (Takes out a spray bottle and sprays it everywhere and sprays a little in her mouth)

IRENE: What did you just spray all around?

KAREN: Rum the smell and taste of heaven. Ok here's what I see (Points at different parts of the room) foot, purple, leprechaun, triangle, taco bell, Barney, and some naughty things.

IRENE: You want a foot and leprechauns in my room?

KAREN: Huh? Oh no, I was just telling you that I am seeing things like Godzilla in that awful hair style of yours. (Laughs) ok here's what I actually see: a duplication of Will's apartment. There I'm done! Enjoy.

IRENE: ok that's nice; I still don't have furniture though.

KAREN: Stop badgering me! Go get Grace, I am out of here. (Leaves)

SCENE III: Will's Apartment

WILL & JACK: (Awkwardly eating lunch together)

JACK: Your potatoes are a little dry.

WILL: Put a little gravy on it.

JACK: (Does it) the meat tastes undercooked.

WILL: You're half nakedness is disturbing me.

JACK: Irene liked it.

WILL: She's straight, Jack.

JACK: (Realizing) Oh yeah….. So how is Vince?

WILL: He's doing fine. We're going out again tonight.

JACK: Nice.

WILL: (Beat) I'm sorry.

JACK: (Gets up and leaves) Me too.

SCENE IV: Grace Adler Designs

GRACE: I am almost done (Changes color pencils) Ok (Shows Irene the blue print) What do you think?

IRENE: Wow…..it's like a mix of Jack and Will's apartment.

GRACE: Well I know how comfortable you are with both of them. I got Will-like living room and kitchen, with Jack-like den and bedroom. Will-like lighting in the main areas and Jack-like lighting in the bathroom. You following on this?

IRENE: (Gaping) you lost me when you were talking about a kitchen or a dish? (Confused)

GRACE: That's ok, just leave everything it up to me, you're going to love it.

IRENE: I don't think my apartment is even that big.

GRACE: It is I am just turning your second bedroom into a study. This apartment is too big and too expensive to be owned by a waitress in a café. Who's paying your rent?

IRENE: (Beat) Leo.

GRACE: Wow I haven't heard that name in ages. I thought that apartment belonged to Old Lady Dwindle.

IRENE: Oh didn't you know she died (beat) having fun with (beat and mumbles)

GRACE: That'll explain that night when you came home I couldn't sleep. Now I can relax knowing her screams were because of her heart stopping. Aren't you a little freaked out living in a place where a person died? I would be.

IRENE: You're afraid of stepping in four cornered bathrooms.

GRACE: (Scared) I heard a ghost story. Anyways I think it's great that you are independent and taking adult-like decision-making actions.

KAREN: (Sitting at her desk) are you hitting on her?

GRACE: When did you get in here?

KAREN: I just poofed in.

GRACE: I swear she's evil.

KAREN: (Laughs)

IRENE: So when will this be done?

GRACE: (Beat) a few days.

IRENE: That fast?

GRACE: Yeah.

IRENE: Ok…..you aren't mad about Leo still hanging with me?

GRACE: Why would I be mad? You have every right to be friends with whoever you want.

SCENE V: Will's Apartment

GRACE: Can you believe that?!?

WILL: Yes, yes I can.

GRACE: It's not funny.

WILL: You see me laughing?

GRACE: Will!!

WILL: Like you said, Irene can choose who she's friends with!

GRACE: Yeah but Leo?

WILL: Are you ever going to get over him?

GRACE: I need to go out.

WILL: (Nods)

GRACE: (Sighs) I need to get a boyfriend.

WILL: (Nods again)

GRACE: I'm pathetic the sound of his name always make me slip up why cant I move on?

WILL: I know it's hard, I've been there, done that.

GRACE: (Grunts) that's it I am going to put all my emotions into Irene's apartment.

WILL: That's a good idea.

GRACE: Thanks for listening, Will. (Leaves)

WILL: It's my job…..

SCENE VI: Leo's Apartment

LEO: What do you want me to do? Irene isn't ready to be all on her own.

GRACE: You are acting like you're her dad or something, you're not!

LEO: Grace we are through but that doesn't mean I cant be close with people you're close with.

GRACE: Yes it does because I cant handle it.

LEO: Why, why, why, why, why, why?

GRACE: Because, because, because, because, because, because!

LEO: I'm her godfather

GRACE: No your not, Jack is.

LEO: You can have more than one.

GRACE: Since when?

LEO: Ok I cant help it if you pick on everything I do. We met, we broke up, made a deal to stay out of each other's lives there was no rule about not seeing Irene, Will, Jack, or Karen. I have tried everything so you can be content with your life so tell me Queen Grace, what do you want me to do with Irene?

GRACE: Stop paying her rent.

LEO: She'll be homeless.

GRACE: Stop paying her rent.

LEO: You cant do this!

GRACE: Stop paying her rent!

LEO: (Beat) what will you do if I don't?

GRACE: I don't know I havent gotten that far.

LEO: I'll stop but if Irene can't find a way to make up for it I am going to continue and there's nothing you can stop me from helping her out.

GRACE: (Leaves)

SCENE VII: Irene's Apartment

IRENE: You witch!

GRACE: I know what you meant to say.

IRENE: Good! I cant believe you! I have to pay you for your interior design plus this apartment all by myself? You think I am rich? I'm poor! I can hardly buy a 3 course meal with my pay check!

GRACE: Look I just-

IRENE: Save it you are self centered you only care about yourself.

GRACE: What?

IRENE: Did you even think what would happen to me if you did that?

GRACE: (Scared)

IRENE: That's what I thought you were only thinking about yourself and your sorry divorce.

GRACE: It's more complicated than that.

IRENE: How much more?

GRACE: I don't know.

IRENE: (Looks at her watch) It's late, I'm going to bed.

GRACE: You don't need to pay me for my work.

IRENE: I know you don't get furniture for free Grace, I have to pay it's your work.

GRACE: Karen pays me everyday I don't wear a hat I can just use that.

IRENE: and my apartment? I can't ask Will or Karen, they pay Jack's.

GRACE: (Shakes her head) I'm sorry.

IRENE: You mean you aren't going to help me keep my apartment.

GRACE: (Looks guilty)

IRENE: Don't bother decorating it'll just be waste I probably can't afford to keep it.

SCENE VIII: Jack's Apartment

IRENE: (Tries to get into his apartment but it's locked) Crap (Jumps and gets the key from the top part of the door and opens the door) (Turns on the living room light and sees sheets on the couch and smiles) Jack? Jack, are you awake? (Opens his bedroom door)

JACK: (Hung over) Uh…..

IRENE: (Turns him on his back) Jack, are you ok?

JACK: (Mumbles)

IRENE: (Sits on his bed) Have you been drinking?

JACK: (Waking up) Irene?

IRENE: Yeah hi.

JACK: Ugh I feel like…… (Looks under his sheets) why am I naked?

IRENE: I just got here.

JACK: What time is it?

IRENE: Only midnight. Are you ok?

JACK: No.

IRENE: Get dressed; I'll make you feel better.

JACK: Ok

IRENE: (Throws random clothes at him) (Beat) Jack?

JACK: Yeah?

IRENE: (Picks up a bra and looks at him)

JACK: Huh…..

IRENE: Who's is this?

JACK: I don't know but (looks under his sheets again) why is little Jackie wearing a rubber glove?

IRENE: (Gasps) please tell me you didn't do what I thought you did.

JACK: I cant remember a thing.

IRENE: Jack!

FRANKIE: (Comes in wearing a towel, hair wet)

IRENE: (Gasps)

FRANKIE: (Gasps)

JACK: (Gasps)

IRENE: Who are you?

FRANKIE: I'm Frankie who are you?

IRENE: I don't think I need to introduce myself.

FRANKIE & IRENE: Jack!

IRENE: Excuse me you don't have the right to say his name.

FRANKIE: Uh I don't even know you I have my own rights.

IRENE & FRANKIE: Jack, tell her.

IRENE: (Glares at her and gives her, her clothes) I think these belong to you.

FRANKIE: I'm not leaving yet.

IRENE: Yes you are.

FRANKIE: Who are you?

IRENE: I'm Jack's hag!

FRANKIE: Well I am his lover!

IRENE: Whoa! I think I am going to puke.

FRANKIE & IRENE: Jack! (Beat) Stop that! (Start fighting)

IRENE: (Tries pushing Frankie out of the room)

FRANKIE: (Fights back)

IRENE: Ok go away for a second!

FRANKIE: Ugh!

IRENE: (Wins and locks the bedroom door and looks at Jack)

JACK: (At shock)

IRENE: (Stops being mad and starts cleaning his room)

JACK: Please tell me that girl has a weenie.

IRENE: From what I saw (shakes her head)

JACK: I think I am going to throw up.

IRENE: (Sits on the bed next to Jack) tell me you didn't do this because of Will.

JACK: (Shakes his head)

IRENE: At least tell me you meant Frankie to be a man.

JACK: (About to say something but changes his mind)

IRENE: (Looks at him weird) I don't even know you anymore. (Gets up and cleans again)

JACK: What's your deal? It's not like I am straight.

IRENE: No, no, no you were just sleeping with females for fun!

JACK: Ok now that just sounds wrong.

IRENE: I really appreciate having you in my life sometimes it's like you take care of me better than Will. But right now I look at you and I am confused. What were your intentions Jack?

JACK: I don't know.

IRENE: What, that you thought that sleeping with a woman Will would be jealous and puts you back on the straight and narrow? Or in this case the (beat) curved and wide?

JACK: I don't know!

IRENE: Jack.

JACK: I don't know! Why do I have to know why I do anything?

IRENE: (Shakes her head and leaves the room)

JACK: (Hears girls yelling and punching)

(Outside)

IRENE: Here's a little news: Your guy's a homo.

FRANKIE: If he was then why did he sleep with me?

IRENE: Maybe because you look like a man?

FRANKIE: Oh!

IRENE: (Nods) listen, how old are you?

FRANKIE: 21.

IRENE: Oh yeah that's rich, you just slept with your dad.

FRANKIE: How old are you?

IRENE: (Beat) 30.

FRANKIE: Wow that's the worst lie I have ever heard anyone say.

IRENE: Fine I'm (beat) 25.

FRANKIE: More like 16 aren't you a little young to be a hag?

IRENE: I don't know aren't you a little immature to sleep with anyone at all?

JACK: (Comes out dressed and sees Frankie and Irene fighting on the floor)

IRENE: (Pulling Frankie's hair) You little b-

FRANKIE: (Slaps her)

IRENE: Ah!

JACK: Ok! (Pulls on the girls' ears) I want you two to go to your corners and chill! (Lets go and pushes them)

IRENE: But J-

JACK: Irene!

IRENE: (Looks at him) (Beat) (Whispers) I give up. (Leaves)

JACK: (Looks at Frankie)

SCENE IX: Irene's apartment

JACK: (Comes in)

IRENE: (Sleeping on the floor)

JACK: (Brings in a blanket and picks Irene up and rolls her in the blanket)

IRENE: (Wakes up and looks at him) what are you doing?

JACK: I don't want you to be cold.

IRENE: I have a heater.

JACK: Sometimes that's not enough. (Beat) I know why you're disappointed. I know it's not because of the whole Will thing.

IRENE: What?

JACK: Ugh how can I explain this? We're Will and Grace. Ever heard of the story?

IRENE: I am the story.

JACK: Ok so you know that I was your boyfriend, you turned me gay, and I go sleep with someone just like you.

IRENE: Jack you know nothing, I don't want to sleep with a grandpa.

JACK: You know that's real hurtful, I have feelings.

IRENE: So do I. You know what I am sorry that Will doesn't like you the way you like him but by drinking and sleeping with _women_ isn't going to do any good.

JACK: Last time I checked I was the adult.

IRENE: You are a man child. Incapable of taking care of yourself!

JACK: You sound too much like Will now.

IRENE: You are irresponsible and I wanted to help you because you are a friend and now I cant really look up to you, in fact, I cant even look at you at all.

JACK: You know out of everyone I thought you would understand the most.

IRENE: (Shakes her head)

JACK: I feel like castrating myself. You know how vaginas give me the heebes geebes.

IRENE: (Smiles a little)

JACK: Oh- I got you to smile!

IRENE: (Tries to stop) No you didn't.

JACK: Come here (hugs her) I'm sorry I wont do it again. I don't want to do it again. You want to come sleep in my apartment?

IRENE: Yes I am cold.

JACK: Ok.

BOTH: (Leaves the room)

END


	5. Old Piano in Need of a Tune

SUMMARY: Irene goes and baby-sits Hannah as Joe and Larry go on a trip meanwhile Karen goes to Jack for some help and Grace goes out with Will in search of a date. (Classic styled Will and Grace)

SCENE I: Will's Apartment

WILL: (Opens the door)

IRENE: (On the other side of the door) Hey (Kisses him) I just stopped by to say bye before I go and sleep over at Joe and Larry's.

GRACE: Can you believe they have been committed for like 3-4 years now? Where are they going for their anniversary?

IRENE: Where else? Massachusetts.

WILL: They stole our title of the gay state.

IRENE: (Nods) Ok I'll see you Friday.

GRACE: Bye, have fun!

WILL: (Closes the door) Oh- that reminds me I have a present for you.

GRACE: Yay! Wait is it Christmas?

WILL: No.

GRACE: Hanukkah?

WILL: No.

GRACE: Easter, Valentines, or Thanksgiving?

WILL: No it's just for fun. (Takes a piece of paper out of his back pocket and sits down with Grace at the table) Well?

GRACE: (Reads it) Oh my god!! You're taking me to a straight bar? You are risking getting beaten up just so I would have fun?

WILL: (Beat) (Looks scared) I never thought of it that way.

GRACE: I am kidding but you know I have no problem going to gay ones.

WILL: I just want you to get a date.

GRACE: (Beat) Have I been looking needy?

WILL: No.

GRACE: Then why do I need to get a date?

WILL: I don't know, maybe it's because you haven't shaved for weeks or brushed your teeth the past 2 days. I need a reason for you to dress up and smell nice.

GRACE: (Smile)

WILL: (Harsh sigh and stands up) so you want to go or not? (Goes to the kitchen and gets a drink)

GRACE: Yeah it'll be fun.

WILL: More than you know!

SCENE II: Jack's apartment

JACK: (Writing on a piece of paper)

KAREN: (Runs in and locks the door)

JACK: What's going on?

KAREN: (Panting and puts up her finger taking out a small sized bottle of liquor and drinks it and pants some more) I am in big trouble.

JACK: What's going on?

KAREN: You know Candance?

JACK: The girl who smells like plastic?

KAREN: Yeah her, the one I made get big-tank sized plastic shoulders.

JACK: Yeah what about her?

KAREN: Well two days ago she got me drunk at our racket ball club. Can you imagine that? Me drunk?

JACK: (Eyes big) No!

KAREN: Yes anyways we got into a game of "better than you" you know (sings) I can do anything you can do better.

JACK: Of course my life song!

KAREN: Yeah so I said that I can play a piano better than her and she doesn't know how to play so I won. Then she was like, "I have a feeling you are bluffing, you cant touch your nose without both your eyes close none the less hitting a key on a piano" and I said, "Oh yeah (Touches her forehead with her eyes close) eat that!"

JACK: Wow Kare, you sure showed her.

KAREN: Yeah but the racket-club heard us over talking and I offered me to play one song on Friday.

JACK: So? Just play for them?

KAREN: (Crosses her eyes) Have you been listening Captain Homo? I cant play the piano, I was bluffing.

JACK: Oh (All flattered) Well all you had to do was ask.

KAREN: (Clueless) Honey, what's going on? What's that? Why are you smiling and touching yourself?

JACK: I can teach you how to play the piano!

KAREN: (Amazed) you can play the piano?

JACK: I am like one of the greatest pianist of all time. (Giggles) Pianist (Laughs) that word gets me every time.

KAREN: Is this one of those things where you say you can act and write when you can't?

JACK: (Gives her a look)

KAREN: (Quickly corrects herself) really well?

JACK: Come on Kare, either you take my word for it or humiliate yourself at the club.

KAREN: Ok poodle, I trust you.

JACK: That really means a lot to me.

KAREN: So tell me, did you enjoy sleeping with a woman?

JACK: How did you know?

KAREN: You forget, my specialty is intercourse

JACK: (Shrugs) I don't really want to talk about it.

KAREN: Yeah I know how much vaginas give you the heebes geebes.

JACK: (Smirks)

KAREN: Your secret's safe with me as long as you teach me how to play the pianie. (Giggles) Pianie (Laughs) I'm funny on Ritalin.

SCENE III: Joe and Larry's Place

LARRY: I feel a little guilty having you baby-sit on such a short notice I hope it isn't much of a problem.

IRENE: Oh not at all. (Mumbles) I have no life.

JOE: Well our emergency phone number is on the fridge and we'll be back around 3 or 4 am on Friday.

IRENE: Ok

LARRY: Hannah is four, she can walk, she can talk, she still eats pennies though so keep those in your pocket. If worse comes to worse uh we got like a billion tapes of Sesame Street.

JOE: No sweets after 8 and bedtimes at 9. You do know how to cook right?

IRENE: I can make sandwiches and spaghetti.

LARRY: That's fine those are Hannah's favorite. Um what else (snaps) ice cream is dinner's desert all the time.

JOE: There are three flavors; you can help yourself at them as well. Are you sure you're going to be ok?

IRENE: How hard can it be? Now go, have fun in Massachusetts.

LARRY: Thanks, you're a lifesaver. (Leaves)

SCENE IV: Jack's Apartment

JACK: Points to a key and this key is a G.

KAREN: (Sighs and rolls her eyes)

JACK: Are you paying attention?

KAREN: (Childish voice) Yes.

JACK: Ok now I am going to point at a random key.

KAREN: C, F, A, D, G, B (beat) K

JACK: Ok you got all 7 notes wrong they were E, G, B, C, F, A, D

KAREN: This isn't working!

JACK: No, no I have another method using numbers 1-7.

KAREN: Oh Jack you know I cant count!

JACK: This isn't that hard, you're just not trying!

KAREN: At least I can play the C scale!

JACK: A monkey can play a C scale!

KAREN: (Gasps)

JACK: Fine just forget the ABCs the 123s will be easier just trust me!

KAREN: Ok.

JACK: You place your right hand like this.

KAREN: (Does it) yeah.

JACK: I'm letting you have middle C.

KAREN: What?

JACK: Go up an octave!

KAREN: What-da-bi-ka-ti-to?

JACK: (Moves hand for her) There. Now your left hand like this, pinky on C.

KAREN: I thought we were using 123s.

JACK: Fine pinky on 1.

KAREN: (Does it)

JACK: On the right hand the thumb is one and the pinky is five. (Plays 5 notes)

KAREN: (Does it)

JACK: On the left the pinky is one and the thumb is five so it's backwards.

KAREN: (Plays it going down)

JACK: No, no, no (plays it)

KAREN: (Plays it on the right hand)

JACK: No! Damn it woman we've been at it for 2 days you'd think you'd get it right!

KAREN: Ok honey, don't yell at me or else I'm going to cut off your tongue ok? Just skip the hoopla and tell me how to play this. (Takes out a sheet of music)

JACK: This is doable.

KAREN: Oh well that's good, lets get right to it.

JACK: Let me finish this is doable if I had 12 years!

KAREN: What- Jack?

JACK: Karen you expect to be able to play this in less than a week? Keep dreaming.

KAREN: Think you're so hot? Let's hear you play it?

JACK: You think I cant?

KAREN: (Shrugs) seeing is believing.

JACK: Ok get off the bench.

KAREN: (Picks up a drink from the kitchen counter and watches)

JACK: I'm going to be sight reading so if I play something wrong cut me some slack.

KARNE: Just play, Mr. Beethoven!

JACK: (Plays)

SCENE V: Club

GRACE & WILL: (Sitting at a table at the club, drinking)

GRACE: We've been sitting here for an hour.

WILL: You bet we have I wonder what were doing wrong.

GRACE: I forget, unless we're playing a board game we have no idea how to have fun.

WILL: We ought to get Jack in here.

GRACE: (Laughs) Jack, in a straight club? That I'd like to see.

KAREN: Hey kittens!

GRACE: K-Karen what are you doing here?

KAREN: Oh, just chilling.

GRACE: (Confused) you don't "chill."

JACK: (Comes in view dancing) I found a closeted guy!

WILL: Jack!

JACK: Hello.

WILL: How did you know Grace and I will be here?

JACK: (Takes something out of his pocket) Karen and I stole your palm pilot.

KAREN: (Dancing while talking) We spent an hour laughing about Will coming into a straight bar before we came here.

JACK: How dare you come into a bar without me you know I am the source of fun!

WILL: Realize this IS a straight bar.

JACK: Notice you AREN'T. There are tons of closeted boys here. Look at him (points)

WILL: The drunken guy with the waitress's tongue in his ear?

JACK: Yeah he's been giving me the eye since we got here.

WILL: He's drunk, he has a dazed look on his face, he's been giving everyone the eye in here.

JACK: Whoops (looks away) and he just gave me the finger.

WILL: See? Now get out of here.

JACK: No, maybe that's a sign that he's interested.

KAREN: (Sighs, to Grace) see what an idiot I gave birth to?

GRACE: Jack's not your son.

KAREN: Might as well be, I breastfed him last night because he wouldn't stop crying.

GRACE: All right that's it, you two: Out!!

JACK & KAREN: What?

GRACE: You heard me, go shopping or something!

KAREN: Ok honey, lets go there's really nothing here for us anyway.

JACK: Ok (Pouts and takes out a piece of paper)

KAREN: What's that?

JACK: Nothing, just a paper full of straight girls interested in me. Oh here (gives it to Will)

WILL: (Scoffs and rolls his eyes)

KAREN: (Secretly takes the paper and puts it in the purse)

JACK: What'd you just put in your purse?

KAREN: Oh nothing, just a paper full of straight girls interested in me.

JACK: That's nice.

SCENE VI: Jack's Apartment

KAREN: (Plays "Do a Deer a Female Deer)

JACK: Ok that took us 2 days but that's good.

KAREN: Honey, Friday's tomorrow I can play a song from "The Sound of Music" I told them I would play this ballet.

JACK: I'm thinking, I'm thinking.

KAREN: (Beat) About?

JACK: Whether or not I just get glasses with emo frames? Those are so in.

KAREN: (Hits him) Come on, snap out of it I need to learn how to play the piano!!

JACK: Hey it's not my fault you wouldn't learn ABCs or 123s I cant just TEACH you unless you know one or the other.

KAREN: Fine (Playing) ABCDEFGHIJK-

JACK: Ok first of all, it only goes up to G. Second of all you started playing at a C!

KAREN: Fine (Plays) CDEFGAB.

JACK: That time you started at an A.

KAREN: (Grunts) this is hopeless!

JACK: (Snaps) I got it!

KAREN: (Smiles)

JACK: I WILL get emo glasses.

KAREN: (Sighs harshly)

SCENE VII: Larry & Joe's place

HANNAH: (Crying)

IRENE: Ok, ok, I know you are missing your daddies, I miss mine too but you got to stop crying ok? (Waves a lollipop) I'll give you this dumdum if you stop crying!!

HANNAH: (Stomps on Irene's toe and runs off with the lollipop)

IRENE: OW! (Looks at the clock) Oh it's 8:30. Hannah, you can't eat that today!!

HANNAH: (Runs with the lollipop in her mouth)

IRENE: Oh don't run with something in your mouth!! (Phone rings and she picks up) Joe, Larry, by any chance is Hannah possessed?

WILL: Irene?

IRENE: Oh Will!!

WILL: Is everything ok over there?

IRENE: It was for the first 3 days but now she's is going nuts! I swear she's eaten so many pennies she's a human piggy bank! Now she's running around with a lollipop in her mouth and its 8:30 and she's not supposed to eat any sweets right now. She's going hyper and- (hangs up and runs off screen) don't cut your own hair you don't know how! (Beat) Don't run with scissors!

SCENE VIII: Racket-Club

JACK: Wow, this place is real nice to be a racket-club.

KAREN: It's the lounge part you dingus of course it looks all pretty and shiny. Smithy, the usual….. (Takes her martini and drinks it) Honey would you like anything to drink?

JACK: Uh sparkling cider?

KAREN: Smithy, get him the whimpy, non-alcohol, gay drink.

JACK: (Get his drink) Thank you.

KAREN: Ok since you didn't think up a plan I made one up for you.

JACK: What?

KAREN: (Puts her up to her lips) Sh….. (Giggles) remember yesterday I asked you to play the ballet for me again? Well I was wearing my panties voice recorder that day and I recorded you. Then I got Rosario to de-string the whole piano early thing morning so if I pressed a key there wont be a sound and I am going to pretend to play while playing the recording out of my thong. (Laughs) it's so sneaky and sexy all at the same time. (Laughs again) I deserve an olive (Eats the one out of her drink)

JACK: You sure it's going to work?

KAREN: (Scoffs) Yeah.

WILL & GRACE: (Enter)

GRACE: Hey sorry we're late.

KAREN: Who in the hell let you in?

GRACE: You invited us (looks past Karen) Yum beer nuts. (Goes to the bar)

WILL: She says that about all nuts.

JACK: (Giggles)

GRACE: (Comes back with the whole bowl) So Karen, you're playing the piano?

KAREN: Yeah in about 5 minutes, I thought the nut bowls were glued to the bar table.

GRACE: (Looks weird for a second) No wonder it was so hard to take off the table.

WILL: (Winces and puts his arm around Grace)

CANDANCE: (Comes in) Well hello Karen, I hope you're prepared.

KAREN: (Laughs) More than I'll ever be, hey last time I saw you I could have sworn your nose was natural.

CANDANCE: Last time I saw you I could have sworn you had more wrinkles but what do I know? That was more than a week ago.

KAREN: (Laughs and kisses her on both cheeks)

CANDANCE & KAREN: Muah, muah.

CANDANCE: I see you brought your friends well I would like to share this humiliation as well but my friends have lives.

KAREN: (Laughs) Oh you bitch. (Smiles)

CANDANCE: I am going to introduce you now.

JACK: Good luck.

KAREN: Thanks Jackie.

CANDANCE: (On microphone) Ladies and Gentlemen, yes, hello. We have a very special treat today. Our Miss Karen Walker has decided to play a ballad on the piano. So let's give her a round of applause.

KAREN: (Gets on the piano and stops) (To Audience) Wait….. (To Jack) Jackie, get over here!

JACK: (Runs up to the platform)

KAREN: My thing won't play.

JACK: What?

KAREN: (Whispers) My panties won't play!!

JACK: Ok don't panic uh….. (Runs away)

KAREN: (Smiles to the other people)

SCENE IX: Racket-Club

GRACE: What's going on? You've been sitting at the piano for like 5 minutes, play!

KAREN: I cant, I'm waiting for Jackie.

GRACE: Why?

KAREN: I don't know he's about to do something stupid.

JACK: (Comes back in out of breath) Ok I am going to go out, when you see my arm, pretend to play.

KAREN: What?

JACK: Boy, are you lucky that your racket club is right next to where I used to take Zandra's acting classes. That place had a piano I rolled it in don't worry they wont miss it I'll take it back later.

KAREN: Aw, thanks Jackie you're the best.

JACK: (Limps back out) Man, I'm smart. (Outside on cell phone) Thanks for the idea, Irene.

IRENE: (In cab) no problem.

KAREN: (Pretends to play as the sound comes from where Jack is)

SCENE X: Will's Apartment

IRENE: (Comes in) Boy what a week.

WILL: Same.

IRENE: What happened to you guys?

GRACE: (Comes in) I got me some! (Beat) Oh hi Irene (Looks awkward and goes to the kitchen)

WILL: We had to go watch Karen play the piano. She had to give her friend a thousand dollars after losing the bet but her plan was smarter than usual.

IRENE: You mean Karen faking and Jack playing for her?

GRACE: How did you know?

IRENE: I gave them that idea.

WILL: Oh yeah I thought it would have been something you would have done. How much money did you get from Joe and Larry?

IRENE: They were drunk when they got home so they gave me more than I was supposed to earn. For some reason I didn't want to tell them they were over paying me.

GRACE: So how much?

IRENE: Um…..800.

WILL: And you were supposed to get?

IRENE: 50, 10 dollars a day. I love Joe and Larry drunk!

END


	6. Confessions

SUMMARY: Will finally tells his parents that he has a child, meanwhile Grace and Karen spend their time taunting Jack (refers back to "Secrets on Apartments")

SCENE I: Hallway

WILL: (With Grace knocking on 9B) Irene….. (Knocks again) Irene open up we're going to be late.

IRENE: (Stumbles out in formal wear)

WILL: We're meeting my parents, not going to an award show.

GRACE: (Doing a Joan Rivers impression) Darling, tell me who are you wearing and whose pounds you've been gaining.

IRENE: (Looks insulted)

WILL: Ew, don't do that ever again.

IRENE: I just want to look nice for my grandparents.

WILL: YES!

IRENE: What?

WILL: I bet my brothers in getting a child (laughs) eat that Paul!

GRACE: Ew, don't do _that_ ever again.

WILL: Sorry now come on (drags Irene out of her apartment)

IRENE: Is that what you're going to wear?

WILL: Yeah why?

IRENE: It's so casual next to me, I have to change!

WILL: You look fine (beat) ok never mind, go change. My mom's going to say you try to hard.

IRENE: (Runs back in her apartment)

SCENE II: Grace Adler Designs

GRACE: (Enters)

KAREN: Coffee?

GRACE: Have you spiked it?

KAREN: No?

GRACE: Put any pills in it?

KAREN: (Shakes her head)

GRACE: Who made it?

KAREN: Starbucks.

GRACE: Give me. (Takes it and gulps it down)

KAREN: (Quietly) It's hot…..

GRACE: (Spits some out) Whoa, hot, hot, I think my throat was burned out of my neck.

KAREN: (Sits down at her desk and starts looking through a magazine)

GRACE: Why are you here so early?

KAREN: Honey you know how much I love working.

GRACE: Seriously, Karen.

KAREN: I left my catalogue here. (Sheepish smile)

GRACE: Well I am glad you're here because now I can tell you about my date!

KAREN: Oh Grace, I'm not your Will.

GRACE: I'll let you build a medicine cabinet behind that mirror.

KAREN: Now you're talking. So how was it? Was there smooching? Hooching?

GRACE: It was fantastic his name is Kenny and he's a stock broker.

KAREN: (Sighs)

GRACE: What?

KAREN: I-I don't follow stock.

GRACE: Well neither do I.

KAREN: Yeah but he seems interesting to you, he's a yawn plus Nyquil to me.

GRACE: Ugh fine just get back to (beat) work.

KAREN: Oh but honey, I got some gossip of my own!!

GRACE: I'm really not interested in your stories of your driver killing somebody or your maids killing somebody.

KAREN: No you will not believe it. It's about Jack! (Giggles)

GRACE: Is it about him killing somebody?

KAREN: No! It's about how he got over Will.

GRACE: (Drops everything and turns to Karen) I'm listening.

KAREN: He- (Beat) honey we talked about plaid….. (Tugs on Graces skirt) and thigh highs (points at her boots)

GRACE: Karen!

KAREN: Ok, Jackie committed the worst sin in the book of Gay.

GRACE: (Beat) Forgetting to do 50 crunches a day?

KAREN: No honey that's the third worst.

GRACE: Sleeping with a hobo-homo?

KAREN: Second.

GRACE: (Beat) Committing incest?

KAREN: Fourth, here we go again!

GRACE: I give up.

KAREN: Sleeping with an opposite gender.

GRACE: (Gasps 4 times) No.

KAREN: Yes!

GRACE & KAREN: (Laughs)

GRACE: Oh that was great I am not going to forget that. (Takes another drink)

KAREN: Neither will I, honey, I added Promethazine in there. (Takes out a bottle) May cause drowsiness. (Shakes the bottle) And I made the coffee by soaking Rosario's feet in water and poured it into a Starbuck's cup. (Laughs)

GRACE: (Gives her a look)

KAREN: (Chokes on her laugh and goes back to reading her magazine)

SCENE III: Car

IRENE: I am so excited! Will they like me? I hope they like me, what's your mom like? Is she like classic grandma looking?

WILL: (Smiles) No and please don't say that to her as a compliment if she does, to you.

IRENE: Ok so will be there soon, right?

WILL: Yeah just 5 more blocks.

IRENE: I cant wait! How are you going to tell them? Make a speech or just spit it out?

WILL: I think I am just going to wing it like I did with Vince.

IRENE: Is your mom allergic to anything?

SCENE IV: Jack's Apartment

KAREN: (Laughs) this is going to be fun don't you have work to do?

GRACE: Please, clients can wait; this is once in the lifetime!

KAREN: (Jumps) Yay! I like you drugged up. (Knocks on the door)

JACK: (Opens the door)

GRACE: (Posing) Hey Jack.

JACK: Hey?

KAREN: Shouldn't you be at work, poodle?

JACK: I am working I am looking at all these pictures of male actors and…..looking some more.

GRACE & KAREN: (Comes in and does more poses)

JACK: (Beat) Have you guys been….. (Does snorting gestures)

GRACE: No (does another pose) Karen just told something very interesting (Hugs Jack)

JACK: Whoa Nelly! Karen, you told her?

KAREN: Come on honey, we're just having a little fun. (Shimmies against him)

JACK: Ew, ew, ew!

GRACE: (Laughs)

JACK: Well I'm glad you find my pain funny.

GRACE: Jack, cam down, your secrets safe with us.

JACK: Uh not really since everybody knows.

GRACE: Will doesn't know.

JACK: Knowing you, as his wife, he'll know by tomorrow.

KAREN: Come on stop worrying! (Jumps up and down sticking her tongue out)

JACK: Ugh gross! I cant believe you two. Taking my lowest of the low moment and using it as your high time!

KAREN & GRACE: (Laughing)

JACK: You should be ashamed of yourself! Grace, did I ever laugh at the fact you made 2 and a half men gay?

GRACE: (Stops laughing) No. (Lowers head)

JACK: Karen, have I ever laughed at you that time you slept with a hermaphrodite?

GRACE: You slept with a hermaphrodite.

KAREN: Hey don't bag on me he/she looked more female.

JACK: Yeah and I didn't even tell anyone until just now! You guys just lost my trust, both of you, now get out of my apartment so I can (beat) look at these headshots some more and do some of my own!

KAREN & GRACE: (Leaves)

SCENE V: Truman's place

WILL: (Coming in)

MARILYN: Oh hi Will (Kisses him and gives him a hug) nice of you to drop by. Oh and you brought a friend!

WILL: Yeah (puts his coat on the coat rack) Mom, this is Irene, Irene, my mom.

MARILYN: Huh (stunned) shouldn't you be at school?

IRENE: Sometimes I do night classes.

MARILYN: Oh how nice. Will did you get me cashews? I've been craving them ever since Christmas past.

WILL: (Beat) It hasn't been Christmas yet.

MARILYN: I know, I meant all year.

WILL: (Gives Marilyn a can)

MARILYN: Thank you, so tell me dear, how did you find this Irene?

WILL: Oh I picked her off the street and invited her to lunch.

MARILYN: (Gives him a look)

WILL: I'm kidding (to Irene) my mom still doesn't know how funny I am.

IRENE: (Beat) I don't either. (Shrugs and smiles)

MARILYN: So tell me what made your trip over here? Is Irene your new Grace?

IRENE: Why does everyone describe me that way?!?

WILL: (Pats her on the back) Well you can say that.

MARILYN: Well you two look quite the couple she could pass as your niece or something if Paul or Sam had kids. Three boys and all of them aren't stupid enough to get knocked up. Can you believe that Irene?

IRENE: No (Raises eyebrows)

MARILYN: So how old are you?

IRENE: 20, almost 21.

MARILYN: So will it be illegal if I offered you something from the mini bar?

IRENE: No-

WILL: Yes! (Stops Irene going towards the bar) Mom, I know you're going to laugh about this.

MARILYN: Oh I don't know, you're not very funny.

WILL: (Laughs that off) Drink your drink, mother.

MARILYN: (Takes a sip)

WILL: Um remember how Grace and I were dating 20 years ago.

MARILYN: You mean before you started liking boys?

WILL: Yes (beat) well I didn't tell you this because it's not something you go bragging to your mother. Um…..Irene's my daughter (beat) I got drunk and had "relations" (makes quotes with fingers) with another drunk person.

MARILYN: I'm sorry I don't understand.

WILL: I had sex with a woman and Irene is my daughter.

MARILYN: Will, don't say the s word in front of your child!

IRENE: Ha, so you admit that you believe I am his daughter!

WILL: (Gives her a look)

IRENE: Sorry.

MARILYN: I never said I didn't believe I just cant believe Will, that you didn't tell me until 20 years later. I am not going to live forever!

WILL: Well it's not my fault I didn't find out until 16 years later.

MARILYN: Oh my-

WILL: Dang it I meant to keep that from her.

MARILYN: So you kept Irene from me for 4 years?

WILL: (Beat and mumbles)

MARILYN: Come here to Nana! (Hugs Irene)

WILL: Mom

MARILYN: Have you been abusing this child?

WILL: No…..

MARILYN: Have you had something to eat?

IRENE: Tic-tacs

MARILYN: No wonder you're skin and bones.

WILL: Mom, don't make my child fat.

SCENE VI: Irene's Apartment

GRACE: Hey…...

JACK: (Moving things around) Go away.

GRACE: I just stopped by to say sorry and…..yes you did laugh about the fact I made 2 men gay. But I'm better than you and I shouldn't have.

JACK: (Scoffs) don't be so full of yourself you're tacky and I hate you.

GRACE: What are you doing?

JACK: I'm moving some of my furniture over here.

GRACE: That's sweet (beat) only that's Will's chair.

JACK: He won't miss it.

GRACE: And his lamp.

JACK: He wont miss it.

GRACE: And his BED?!?

JACK: He won't miss it!

GRACE: How did you even manage to bring his bed over here?

JACK: I'm superman.

GRACE: You got professional movers to come didn't you?

JACK: (Peppy) I like watching them lift things.

SCENE VII: Irene's Apartment

IRENE: Jack, I really appreciate you taking the pretty things out of Will's apartment but I need you to put them back.

JACK: Fine…..

IRENE: Leave the bed. (Smiles)

SCENE VIII: Will's Apartment

WILL: So how was your day?

GRACE: Could have been better. I confessed Jack my sins while he did the same.

WILL: That took the whole day eh? (Going to the little hallway where the bedrooms are)

GRACE: Since when did you become Canadian? (Goes to her room)

WILL: What do you talk? Canadians are hot. (Goes to his) (Beat) Say, Grace?

GRACE: (Off screen) Yeah?

WILL: (Off screen) where's my bed?

END


	7. MidLife Crap

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Sorry, went on vacation. Here's a big fat update though!! 7-10

SUMMARY: Will hits midlife crisis and the gang tries to help him through it.

WILL: (Yawning, stepping in the living room, turning on the lights)

IRENE: (Pops out of no where) Hi Will.

WILL: (Screams)

GRACE: (Comes running out with a bat in her hand) I've got a bat and I'm not afraid to use it!

WILL: (Scared) where'd you get that bat?

GRACE: I'm lending my gun to Karen.

WILL: (Looks even more scared)

GRACE: I'm kidding, why were you screaming?

WILL: Gofer (points at Irene and scratches his head)

GRACE: Irene its 2 AM

IRENE: I know I have a watch.

WILL: What are you doing?

IRENE: Helping myself to some Oreos while reading a book.

GRACE: (Goes to the kitchen and reads the cover) A book about why people might be gay. Interesting…..

WILL: (Groans) Irene if you're gay you can just tell me.

IRENE: I'm not I'm trying to figure out why you are. You're smart, attractive, and yet you're keeping yourself from women. Women want you!

WILL: If I had a penny for every time I've heard that I'd have (beat) one penny.

IRENE: Says here (eats a cookie and sprays crumb everywhere while talking) you can be gay if one: you have a bad relationship with your mother.

WILL: That's a lie, I love my mom. (Gets a dust buster and starts cleaning)

IRENE: Two: If you had an abusive father.

WILL: I love my dad.

IRENE: Three you're afraid of girls.

WILL: (About to say something) I love girls

GRACE: That's a lie, he was afraid of me.

IRENE: He was afraid of me too.

WILL: Because when I first saw you, you were eating like a vacuum. I swear you had no teeth you were just gulping down a whole rack of lamb and I was scared of you because you are my daughter. I'm not afraid of girls.

IRENE: I'm not finished. 4: you were taunted by brothers or jockey friends 5: mama's boy.

GRACE: Will was fat and shiny and like he said a second ago he loves his mom.

WILL: You're not necessarily gay if you love your mom.

GRACE: Wait…..how come I'm not gay?

IRENE: You're a girl so you love men. You're right on track.

GRACE: That's one smart book you got there, Kansas.

IRENE: I got it from the library.

GRACE: Library as in…..?

IRENE: Library.

WILL: See in Grace's world library means bakery.

SCENE II: Out TV

JACK: (On the phone) How many times do I have to say it? Will, I don't give a crap.

WILL: (In his office, typing and talking at the same time) I know but I don't get why Irene is reading those kind of books it's like she's trying to make me straight again.

JACK: Dear god no!

WILL: I know just the thought of it gives me the chills.

JACK: Well (starts smacking his lips while eating yogurt) Irene is a mystery wrapped in pretty enigma.

WILL: Do you even know what enigma means?

JACK: Sounds like an exotic bird. (With an accent) Enigma! (Starts making bird noises)

WILL: J-Jack…..Jack? JACK!

JACK: (Makes one more noise and then stops) you're always like, "Irene you're a mistake!" So why can't she be like, "Will, you're gay!"

WILL: Because it's different.

JACK: Not really.

WILL: How would you know? Elliot doesn't question you.

JACK: Do I act straight?

WILL: No, I don't either.

JACK: Yes you do.

WILL: No I don't!

IRENE: (pops in Out TV office) Hi Jack!

JACK: Irene do you think Will can pass off as straight?

IRENE: Uh huh. (Sits on Jack's desk and plays with pencils)

SCENE III: Will's Apartment

GRACE: (Reading a cereal box) now add milk. How much milk? (Puts the box down and adds milk into a bowl of cereal. Oh yum, Oreos. (Takes 2 Oreos and puts them in the bowl.

WILL: (In baggy clothes) Hi.

GRACE: Will, it's 10 AM, I waited an hour for you to make me breakfast. Do you know how long it took me to do this?

WILL: Corn flakes with milk and Oreos?

GRACE: Yeah.

WILL: 5 minutes tops.

GRACE: I know not only that I bet you Karen is already at work.

WILL: Grace…..

GRACE: You're usually up before I am, breathe on me.

WILL: What?

GRACE: You heard me.

WILL: (Lets Grace smell his breath.)

GRACE: You had ice cream, a box of chocolates, but no beer. Will, you have no right getting a late start on your day.

WILL: I'm depressed.

GRACE: Oh that time of the month huh? (Gives him her bowl of cereal)

WILL: (Gives it back to her) no thank you.

GRACE: Will, what's wrong?

WILL: Last night I was thinking, "Wow I am 40, I have a kid who is 20, who has a JOB, dealing with financial problems" and I look in the mirror and (beat) I see this PATCH of gray hair and I just went nuts.

GRACE: You do not have a patch of gray hair.

WILL: (Pulls some hairs to the side)

GRACE: Please that's like 1 or 2 strains.

WILL: That's 2 too many!

GRACE: Just dye your hair or pull them out stop crying to me about it.

IRENE: (Comes in) hey, I got a new job.

GRACE: What about the café?

IRENE: I got 2 jobs! I can pay my own apartment! Ok no I cant (hits herself on the head)

WILL: You have 2 jobs and having night classes I don't think you'll have much time to hang out with us now.

IRENE: Yeah I know I'm so cool with you old folks.

WILL: Old?

IRENE: But maybe I can do summer school too and work my way through summer as well and pretty soon I'll be gone and living my own life.

WILL: Gone?

IRENE: Oh Will you have a little (looks at Grace and she's shaking her head violently and gesturing) Bend down.

WILL: (Bends to Irene's height)

IRENE: (Pulls a hair out)

WILL: Ow!

IRENE: Wait I'm not finished.

WILL: (Stands up) No, no, no, no, at this rate I am going to be bald. (Pats his hair)

IRENE: You know what I don't get? Both of my parents are tall yet I am short? Huh….. (Leaving)

GRACE: Wait, you didn't tell us what's your new job.

IRENE: Jack's assistant in Out TV! (Leaves)

SCENE IV: Will's Apartment

GRACE: Will….. Will? Will!

WILL: (Wakes up) Huh?

GRACE: Will, I'm hungry, get up and make me pancakes.

WILL: Make your own pancakes.

GRACE: What? I'm not ready to make myself pancakes.

WILL: Then eat the mix dry, leave me alone.

GRACE: Will what's wrong?

WILL: I'm 40, my teeth are getting yellow, hair thinning, getting fat, eh.

GRACE: Ok you know what time it is?

WILL: Time for you to go away?

GRACE: I think its Krispy Kreme time.

WILL: I already ate a box.

GRACE: WHAT? (Finds the box)

WILL: I would have told you but you would have hogged it all.

GRACE: So what now?

WILL: I don't know

GRACE: Ok time for plan B.

WILL: What's plan B?

GRACE: Irene. You know how she has a gift for words.

WILL: Yeah she persuaded me that Bush (beat) isn't that bad.

GRACE: I'll call her over.

SCENE V: Hallway

GRACE: (With Karen and Jack) damn it the one time she isn't home!

KAREN: Yeah Will's got the blues and you're trying to shove the lowest person in his life in his face.

GRACE: Will loves Irene.

JACK: Sure but he doesn't deserve her. (Nods)

GRACE: (Thinks) Ok I'm going to go get Vince.

SCENE VI: Vince's Place

VINCE: (Opens the door) Hey, what brings you guys here?

GRACE: (Comes in with Jack and Karen following her) Will is depressed. (Waves to Irene sitting on the couch)

KAREN: We were wondering if maybe you'd sleep with him and it'd make it all better.

JACK: Oh so cute you and Irene are having a tea party. (Sits down)

VINCE: Yeah she came over here asking financial advice.

IRENE: (Beat) Remember when I made you promise you wouldn't tell "them"? Well Karen, Jack, and Grace count as "them".

VINCE: I already agree to pay your bills for a while.

IRENE: Vince, shut up.

VINCE: Sorry.

IRENE: Why is Will depressed?

JACK: He's hitting midlife crisis.

IRENE: Aw…..I think I can help

SCENE VII: Will's Apartment

(Everyone comes in)

WILL: (Reading in the nude)

IRENE: Nice, I'm scarred for life.

WILL: (Takes the blanket off the couch and goes to his bed room to get dress)

VINCE: I'm afraid to do that.

JACK: Teeny weenie?

VINCE: (Beat) No.

KAREN: Sounds like his peeny is a little teeny.

WILL: (Comes back out) Hey what is everyone doing here?

GRACE: We're here to cheer you up.

KAREN: Irene has a smart cookie.

JACK: What?

VINCE: She has something that will really light your day.

JACK: What? Why don't I know?

IRENE: Ok (shows a full body shot of Jack and Will) Who's this?

WILL: That's me and Jack when I was in College.

IRENE: And this?

WILL: Me and Jack when he moved in.

IRENE: (Shows another picture)

WILL: Grace's wedding, me and Jack.

IRENE: (Shows another picture)

WILL: Ok, I get it, it's all Jack and me. What's your point?

JACK: I look fabulous and you don't.

IRENE: No! Ok (takes 2 pictures out again) On my right is you growing up, on my left is Jack growing up. Both are full body pictures. Look, you went from fat to skinny to now. Jack went from skinny to muscular to now.

WILL: What's now?

IRENE: Cant you see? Jack is now fat and you are now muscular.

JACK: What?

IRENE: I mean you're not fat you're just big.

JACK: What?!?!

IRENE: Shut up. (To Will) Look the point is, the older you get the hotter you get, the older Jack gets uglier he gets.

GRACE: (Laughs)

JACK: What are you laughing at Pinocchio?

KAREN: (Pats Jack on the back) Honey, for once the gnome is right. (Points at Irene)

JACK: Maybe I let myself go a little bit but I'm not….. (does a puppy face and looks up, about to cry)

SCENE VIII: Will's Apartment

WILL: (Comes into the living room whistling in a suit)

GRACE: (Already sitting at the dining table and smiles at him)

WILL: Good morning. (Does a little dance and pours Grace some coffee)

GRACE: How are you feeling?

WILL: Sexy! (Wiggles his butt a little)

GRACE: (Spanks him)

JACK: (Comes in wearing glasses and walking in with a cane)

KAREN: (Following behind) Hello.

JACK: Give me your jacket.

WILL: What?

JACK: You heard me.

WILL: All right (takes his jacket off)

JACK: (Puts it on and can't reach his hands forward and starts crying) (out of no where pretends to have a stroke)

WILL: Jack!! (Tries to help but he stays down)

KAREN: Oh honey just leave him there, I've had so many of those. Trust me he'll wake up day after tomorrow.

END


	8. Frankster Loves Jake

Summary: Classic Will and Grace, no Irene. Refers back to "Saving Grace, Again"

SCENE I: Lobby

GRACE: (Checking mail and starts licking it) Yum…..

ALAN: How's it taste? I've never tried it.

GRACE: (Turns around) Oh! Alan! (Hugs him) What are you doing here?

ALAN: Oh I have a thing with Will. Say…..you never called me back after our date.

GRACE: Yeah…..I'm so sorry; I got your message but-

ALAN: But?

GRACE: (Beat) Will and I went on a little vacation and the machine got broken so I never heard your message again.

ALAN: So you forgot about me.

GRACE: Well-

ALAN: (Laughs) its ok, I'm kidding.

GRACE: Oh (laughs with him) ok.

ALAN: Is it too late? You seeing anyone now?

GRACE: No, I really had fun that night. I mean I don't know if you're hinting a second date. (Beat) (Looks awkward and starts eating her mail again)

ALAN: All right.

GRACE: (Gets the elevator) Come on, I'll bring you up.

SCENE II: Jacques

JACK: (Bringing Karen a plate) Here you go, Kare Bear.

KAREN: What? What did I tell you, Jack? I said I would like a bagel with cream cheese sprinkled with allergy pills.

JACK: That's what this is!

KAREN: Yeah I also told you to hold the bagel and cream cheese.

JACK: Oh sorry.

KAREN: Its ok, I'll just pick the pills off.

JACK: (Sits down with her and drinks a cup of coffee)

KAREN: Aren't you supposed to be at work?

JACK: Uh huh I am. I'm working at home today. Yeah, boss told me to think up a new show to be on Out TV. Something good like maybe a sitcom?

KAREN: (Sighs) is it going to be something unoriginal like "Gay Friends", "Mad About Gays", or "Gay Sex and the City"

JACK: (Thinks) No I was thinking more on the line of, "Gilmore Gays" or "What I like about Gays."

KAREN: Honey, how about something more original, like something that doesn't have the word "Gay" in the title.

JACK: Like?

KAREN: (Scoffs) it's not my job, you think of one.

JACK: Well we just finished making another reality show, "Queer eye for the Queer guy" it's like "Queer eye for the Straight guy" but for kids who just came out.

KAREN: Oh I can tell that's going to be a huge hit.

JACK: Yeah but Boss says we need stop making reality shows and make like shows that involves acting. So he asked me to write a pilot.

KAREN: So you're a writer now?

JACK: This is just a one time thing I'll just pitch it to him and he'll hire someone else to continue it. Where's Irene? She's smart.

KAREN: (Sighs) I don't know, and I don't care.

WILL: (Taking out trash)

JACK: Hey Will, where's Irene?

WILL: She's at school, she's getting behind with working and not getting enough sleep because of the night classes.

KAREN: (Laughs) what a loser.

WILL: We're probably not going to see her for a week or so.

JACK: Oh then want to help me work? I have to think of a new show for Out TV.

WILL: I cant I'm going out with a colleague

JACK: Aw…..

WILL: Ask Karen, I bet if she drank red bull and over dosed on Focacil she'll be the new Einstein.

SCENE III: Doucette and Stein

In the board room…..

WILL: (Looking at papers) so we've reached in agreement, right?

ALAN: Yeah we both will get the number four meal down at the deli.

WILL: (Laughs) so you talked to Grace.

ALAN: Sure did.

WILL: Made any plans?

ALAN: Thinking about it, we haven't set a date though.

WILL: (Nods)

ALAN: I really like her you know? But there's this one problem…..

WILL: What?

ALAN: Since we last saw each other I started dating this other person.

WILL: Well dump the other person!

ALAN: Yeah too bad it's my wife.

WILL: What?!? You guys dated just a couple months ago, how did you get a wife so fast?

ALAN: It was a Vegas thing. (Beat) Listen, I was hoping you wouldn't tell Grace because I never really got to know my "wife" we were just having this casual sex thing going on but, if Grace and I hit it off I can get a divorce!

WILL: (Winces) Ew, you're gross. This is so unlike you.

ALAN: You've never seen me drunk.

WILL: Ok this is just wrong, I have to tell Grace.

ALAN: No there has to be a better way.

WILL: (Gives him a look)

ALAN: Don't look at me like that! Ok I have a plan.

SCENE IV: Jack's Apartment

JACK: (Pacing the room while Karen's on computer) Funny, funny, funny. I have to think of a show that's funny.

KAREN: Does it have to be a sitcom?

JACK: No but Out TV currently doesn't have any so I have a much greater chance that boss wont hit me over the head with a rolled up newspaper.

KAREN: Oh (nods)

JACK: I got it!

KAREN: (Gets excited) what?

JACK: No I don't….. (Beat) I got it!

KAREN: (Gets excited) what?

JACK: Oh I lost it again…..

KAREN: I got it!

JACK: (Gets excited) what?

KAREN: Oops sorry, I accidentally said your line.

JACK: (Beat) I got it!

KAREN: (Bored) What?

JACK: A show…..about a fat gay guy who has a hag, and has two friends. One's an incredibly hot gay man the other is a girl who has big boobs and a ridiculous voice.

KAREN: (Talking higher than usual) Oh honey I love it! Especially the character with the ridiculous voice, I can tell that one's a hoot!

JACK: Start typing.

KAREN: We need character names….

JACK: Wilbert, Gretchen, Jake, and Kaka.

KAREN: (Typing) Kaka!

BOTH: (Get excited and hovers around the computer)

SCENE V: Will's Apartment

GRACE: (Reading a magazine on the couch)

WILL: (Comes in) Hey.

GRACE: Hey cutie, I like your hair today.

WILL: Thanks, yours look good too.

GRACE: You look distracted.

WILL: No I'm just troubled right now. Get dressed, we're having dinner with Alan and his (beat) sister.

GRACE: He didn't tell me he had a sister.

WILL: (Laughs uncomfortably) He didn't tell me either. (Dials on his cell phone) I'll be at Jack's inviting him and Karen.

GRACE: Where are we going?

WILL: We're just having it here. (Leaves)

SCENE VI: Will's Apartment

JACK: (Sets up two more chairs at the table)

WILL: (Cooking)

KAREN & GRACE: (Drinking and relaxing)

WILL: Hey you know what will be nice?

KAREN & GRACE: What?

WILL: If you two helped me set the table and get things prepared.

KAREN: (Scoffs) in your dreams.

GRACE: I would but I'm kind of comfortable sitting here.

JACK: (Sets the table)

WILL: Thanks Jack, see you guys? Jack is usually lazy and slow but he's helping. Why don't you follow by example?

JACK: Um, I'm only helping you because Irene said if I don't be good tonight she was going to sneak in the middle of the night and cut my hair.

WILL: (Sighs) Whatever (Hands him some food to put on the table)

KAREN: (To Grace) Oh honey, I forgot to tell you, Jackie and I made this script for a sitcom to air on Out TV. Yeah, we were hoping if you would read it and give us a comment.

GRACE: Sure.

KAREN: Ok here. (Takes a piece of paper out of her purse)

GRACE: It's one page (smiles)

KAREN: Well it's just the pilot…..

GRACE: Still it's a one paged script usually a half hour show is about 14-16 pages long.

JACK: (Joins them) And you would know this, how?

GRACE: Because I am a TV fanatic and I just so happen to own a couple of transcripts.

JACK: Darn it (runs out and comes back with a laptop in his hand) Come on Karen, our work isn't done yet!

KAREN: Ok honey let me put on my thinking cap. (Takes out red bull and starts taking pills)

SCENE VI: Dinnertime

ALAN: (Comes in and hugs Will) Hey (Kisses Grace on the cheek) Nice to see you again.

GRACE: Same (takes his coat)

FRANKIE: (Comes in)

ALAN: This is Frankie my- yeah.

JACK: Oh shitake mushrooms!

KAREN: What, honey?

JACK: That's the girl I (puffs up his cheeks like about to throw up)

KAREN: Oh Jackie, she's a looker. (Looks at her up and down) oh yeah I'm feeling her.

JACK: I wish Irene was here so she can kick her ass again!

KAREN: She's Grace's boyfriend's sister.

JACK: They don't even look alike, something smells fishy.

FRANKIE: (Saying her hellos to Grace and Will and sees Jack on the couch) Jack.

JACK: (Screams like a girl and runs to Will's balcony)

KAREN: (Laughs and goes up to Frankie) you're hot, want to make out?

FRANKIE: I'm straight.

KAREN: (Shrugs) So am I. So tell me Diane…..

FRANKIE: Frankie.

KAREN: Diane.

FRANKIE: My name is Frankie.

KAREN: Yes but I am calling you Diane. (Beat) So tell me, what was it like to sleep with the queer?

FRANKIE: I rather not talk about it.

KAREN: Why?

FRANKIE: Because last time I talked about it I was beaten up by a person half my height.

KAREN: Man! I wanted to see that!

WILL: (In the kitchen) Grace, I need to tell you something.

GRACE: What? Oh my god you're using your serious face, you're scaring me what is it?!?!

WILL: Ok first of all: calm down. It's about Alan.

GRACE: Frankie's not his sister.

WILL: How'd you know?

GRACE: I might be slow but I'm not stupid. So who is she?

WILL: His wife.

GRACE: Whoa, what?!?

WILL: You said you knew that-

GRACE: Yeah I know what I said but I thought she might be a cousin or a lesbian he's a hag of.

WILL: Ok, play it cool.

GRACE: What? I am disgusted.

WILL: For what it's worth he wasn't married when you went out with him.

GRACE: Oh ok I'm just skeptical now.

FRANKIE: (Goes to the balcony) Hey.

JACK: (Screams again)

FRANKIE: Will you quit doing that? You're giving me a migraine.

JACK: Ew, ew, ew, ew, get away from me.

FRANKIE: Ok look, I am here for my husband, I am just here to eat dinner with you guys and that's it.

JACK: Why is it still talking to me?

FRANKIE: Oh forget it….. (Goes back inside)

(Looks like a riot)

GRACE: (Hitting Alan) I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!

WILL: Grace quit it!!

KAREN: (Laughing in the kitchen)

ALAN: I didn't talk to you weeks after!

GRACE: Yeah "I haven't dated in a couple of weeks, I am guess I got to marry a whore!"

KAREN: (To Frankie) why aren't you offended?

FRANKIE: Oh I am a whore.

GRACE: (Starts hitting again)

ALAN: Ow!!

WILL: Grace, stop or else I am making you sleep outside tonight!

ALAN: Look I didn't mean to- I really like you.

GRACE: (Hits him one more time)

ALAN: Ah!

GRACE: I would like it if you left.

ALAN: Come on Frankie.

FRANKIE: (Gives Karen a piece of paper) Call me (Leaves)

SCENE VII: Will's Apartment

WILL & GRACE: (Reading the script)

GRACE: This sounds oddly familiar.

WILL: Names ring a bell too.

JACK & KAREN: (Clueless) How?

GRACE: You wrote a sitcom on what just happened tonight. Will Wilbert, Me Gretchen, Karen Kaka, and Jack Jake.

JACK: Huh, Grace is one smart cookie.

KAREN: What a coincidence! Wow…..

WILL: I don't want this to be on TV.

JACK: Yes you do.

WILL: Yes I do but I don't want my name as Wilbert….. What kind of a name is Frankster?

JACK: That's like asking why is a female named Frankie?

END


	9. Fakes and Pranks

Summary: Another one without Irene, Karen gets in touch with her mom once more only to find out that she has a sister?!? She pays off Jack to inspect her making sure this wasn't another Lois's crazy plans in getting money. Meanwhile Grace meets someone that Will isn't approve of.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is the last episode of Irene missing, the only reason I wrote her out was because "Mid-Life Crap" was a really bad episode partially because Irene was so like "nerdish" and it made it too fast paced. Also I was thinking about Alex Borstien from Mad TV play Karen's sister because they look a little alike. (To me, anyway)

AUTHOR'S NOTE (2): And I also know that 7-9 episode suck but 10 is going is going to be good!!

SCENE I: Will's Apartment

GRACE: (Sneaking home and turns on the light)

WILL: (Sitting on the couch, relaxed, speaking in an English accent) Hello Love.

GRACE: (Screams and drops everything on her, falling back) God Will, you scared the crap out of me.

WILL: Where have you been?

GRACE: None of your business. (Goes to the kitchen)

WILL: I hid dinner.

GRACE: You fool, where'd you put it?!?

WILL: I'd tell you in exchange for your secret.

GRACE: (Sighs) All right.

WILL: (Beat) so are you going to tell me?

GRACE: I'm thinking about how hungry I really am.

WILL: Grace…..

GRACE: Ok I was out…..on a date….. (Soprano-like accent) You know what I'm saying.

WILL: Don't copy me and talk in an accent.

GRACE: So where's the dinner?

WILL: If you went on a date, didn't you eat?

GRACE: Well yeah but I want a midnight snack.

WILL: (Takes out a plate from under a couch)

GRACE: Oh stroganoff. (Takes it)

SCENE II: Grace Adler Designs

KAREN: (Sitting with her feet on the desk) so anyway Rosario cut herself on the wall somehow, I think there was a wire sticking out and when the homeless person kissed her hand as a greeting, he kissed her cut.

JACK: (Painting Karen's toes) (Laughs)

KAREN: And that's how Rosie got rabies. (Raises her glass like a toast and drinks her martini)

GRACE: (Comes in looking like a mess)

KAREN: Hi hangover, drunk much?

GRACE: (Groans)

JACK: I like Grace drunk. She doesn't bore us with pointless stories.

GRACE: (Didn't hear Jack) last night I went out with this guy (starts slurring something) hot and (slurs again) his tongue was everywhere and (slurs) got home at 4AM.

JACK: Did you get any of that?

KAREN: Yeah, honey, don't you know I am fluent in drunk?

GRACE: (Walks to the swatch room and falls over)

JACK & KAREN: Oh! (Quickly loses interest on Grace falling)

KAREN: I have this other story on how I woke up with a hickey on my chest. Well…..I thought it was a hickey but then it turned out to be the result of drug injection. (Sheepish laugh)

SCENE III: Will's Apartment

GRACE: (Coming in, talking to someone out in the hall) Ok bye. Hey Billy, you're a loser!

WILL: I may be fat but I have feelings too!

GRACE: (To Will) Not you Billy. (Sighs and sits on the couch smiling)

WILL: Are you on drugs?

GRACE: No but it feels like I am on ecstasy. I'll tell ya this new guy I am seeing is so ugh! I mean he's not only ugh he's also oh and wow.

WILL: S-stop it, stop it, don't get an orgasm on my couch. (Pushes her off)

GRACE: You're just jealous because you weren't ever like this with Vince.

WILL: What are you talking about?

GRACE: You never were at a place with Vince where you would only talk about him, think about him, breathe him, eat him..... (Beat) wait.

WILL: Yes I have, remember that time when- remember?

GRACE: Uh huh. (Nods)

WILL: I haven't even met him yet, how do you know if you like him?

GRACE: Because I do and I don't think I want you to meet him.

WILL: Why? Is he ugly?

GRACE: (Beat) Kind of.

WILL: Druggie?

GRACE: A little.

WILL: Has a ponytail and a biker boy?

GRACE: (Looking shifty) Uh huh.

WILL: (Beat) what are you, desperate?!?!

GRACE: (Sighs) Will, at this moment I'd marry Napoleon Dynamite.

WILL: (Scoffs) that's different, Napoleon Dynamite is hot if you look at him at the right angles.

GRACE: Yeah like with your eyes closed.

WILL: Just tell me one thing; does the guy have a beard?

GRACE: A goatee…..

WILL: Good one or bad one?

GRACE: Bad one. (Wrinkles her eyebrows and looks guilty) But hey, looks don't matter, he's fun and sweet.

WILL: This is coming from a shallow girl who dumped a guy for having six toes on one foot.

GRACE: That's different, having six toes is an abnormality, Billy is as normal in his world as he can get.

SCENE IV: Grace Adler Designs

LOIS: (Comes in) Kiki!

KAREN: Mommy! (Happy to curious real fast) what are you doing here?

LOIS: Cant I visit my daughter at work?

KAREN: Yeah but how do you know this is the one day, every three months; I get to work early to work? (Points to her magazine)

LOIS: Butler wouldn't let me in the house but after I gave him a five dollar bill he spat out everything he knew.

KAREN: Lawrence, you know how much five dollars is to my workers?

LOIS: Lois.

KAREN: Don't speak to me with that kind of language!

LOIS: Well I came here to ask you something.

KAREN: What? (Looks back at her magazine and flips a page)

LOIS: Can you baby sit this kid here? She's your sister.

KAREN: What?

LOIS: I'm sorry I got to go make friendly with the rich hobo downstairs. I'll see you at five.

KAREN: Gah?

KIMI: (At the door)

KAREN: What's your name, midget?

KIMI: Kimi.

KAREN: You look Asian.

KIMI: I'm not.

KAREN: Your voice sounds like you been using steroids.

KIMI: (Shakes her head)

KAREN: You don't look like me.

KIMI: We're both short, have big busts, and have brown hair.

KAREN: Yours is black.

KIMI: I dyed it.

KAREN: Oh yeah then how come I have better taste in clothes?

KIMI: (Doesn't do anything)

KAREN: That's what I thought.

JACK: (Comes) (To Kimi) Hi Karen, you're not wearing your high heels. Huh, you're shorter than I thought.

KAREN: Jackie, I'm over here.

JACK: (Double takes) Oh my goodness you can split and multiply like cells and bacteria? This is the start of a plague!!

KAREN: I wish. Come here poodle I need you to ask you something.

JACK: Yeah ok. (Walks over to Karen)

KAREN: (Whispers) Honey, I am a single child and my mother drops this bomb on me? It's a scam.

JACK: You never know.

KAREN: Ok I got a plan, you hang out with her and ask her all these questions and I run away.

JACK: What?

KAREN: (Runs out the door) Bye!

SCENE V: Will's Apartment

WILL: Do you have a picture?

GRACE: No

WILL: I want to see him (jumps)

GRACE: Oh that's real mature, Will.

WILL: Please?

GRACE: Ok fine, I made up him up.

WILL: What?

GRACE: I have an imaginary boyfriend.

WILL: Oh wow Grace, you _are_ seriously depressed.

KAREN: (Runs in) I'm not here (Runs to the bathroom)

JACK & KIMI: (Runs in)

JACK: Where's Karen?

WILL: (Confused) Isn't that her? (Points to Kimi)

JACK: Long story I don't really want to tell it.

KIMI: (Runs away)

JACK: Dang it the SECOND I let her off her leash. (Runs after her) Kiwi Kimi come here. (Make kissing noises)

SCENE VI: Police.

GRACE: Why are you so spiffed up?

WILL: Just in case we run into Vince.

GRACE: (Beat) this isn't his department.

WILL: Oh now you tell me, you know how much spray gel I had to use to get it like this? (Points to his head)

JACK: (At the desk) Excuse me officer, we lost a person.

KAREN: She's about ye high, answers to the name Kimi.

OFFICER: And how old is this Kimi?

KAREN: (Sighs) how would I know?

OFFICER: Do you have a picture? What was she wearing?

JACK: She looks like her (points to Karen)

KAREN: No she doesn't!

JACK: They are siblings, she was wearing purple overalls with a sunflower in the middle but she's like 40 something wearing pig tails.

OFFICER: Great if you leave your contact number we'll call you when we find her.

KAREN: (Skeptical) What? That's it?

OFFICER: Yeah…..

KAREN: (Like it's nothing) Oh ok.

SCENE VII: Will's Apartment

KAREN: Ok Jews and Grace I got to boogie. Today's the one day of the year Rosie and I go out and eat dinner together. Last year I chose to eat at Balthazar this year Rosie picks. Homo, I put your number down as the contact number so tell me if you get a call. (Leaves)

WILL: Does she ever say bye anymore?

JACK: No, I believe she does not.

WILL: It was a rhetorical question.

JACK: Well it's still no, I'm not going to have sex with you.

WILL: Yeah that's too bad…..

(A knock on the door)

WILL: (Opens the door)

LOIS: (Comes in) Hello, where's Karen I want to tell her the news.

WILL: She went out to drink dinner.

LOIS: Oh well, tell her I found my Kimi.

GRACE: How did you even know we lost her? We didn't tell you?

LOIS: Ok now don't get mad

JACK: I smell a scam! Or is it ham? Grace?

GRACE: (Hits him on the head)

LOIS: Kimi is a mentally challenged actress, I gave her a lollipop to play Karen's sister and run away and stay gone long enough for cops to think up an award and I come turning her in and getting the money.

JACK: Luis Last-Name! I cant believe you!

LOIS: It's Lois and my last name isn't Last-Name.

JACK: Not the point, you tricked my friend for the last time! Now I would like it if you'd give me a third of your reward!

LOIS: sixth

JACK: fourth

LOIS: fifth

JACK: ok sixth, that's the lowest I am going to go!!

LOIS: (Beat) You are one smart muffin.

JACK: I've been told that many times. Many times…..

LOIS: Deal! (Shakes his hand)

WILL: One thing I don't get is that if you had turned in Kimi, what happens to her?

LOIS: She goes to wherever the cops send her. But it's not like I care, she's not my problem anymore!!

END


	10. Queer Eye for Karen's Will

SUMMARY: Irene is back and goes out with Grace and Jack while Karen and Will goes over a touchy subject.

SCENE I: Will's Apartment

WILL: (Reading at the dining table)

GRACE: (Eating chips on the couch)

WILL: (Starts getting annoyed by Grace's crunching)

GRACE: (Tries to stuff big chips in her mouth but pieces comes out the side of her mouth)

WILL: (Gives her a look)

GRACE: (Doesn't notice until after eating three more chips and smiles) would you like some?

WILL: No thank you (takes out his dust buster and starts vacuuming Grace's shirt and hair)

GRACE: How lucky am I to have a gay man clean me everyday?

WILL: I don't know why don't you ask every single woman on the streets of Manhattan?

KAREN: (Comes in) Hi guys (laughs) how rude, I mean "hi gays." Will, are you free today?

WILL: I don't know it depends. What you want to do with me? If it involves driving you to Kentucky or poking a hobo with a stick because he took a bottle of your pain killers then I'm afraid I'm too busy.

KAREN: (Laughs) you're lucky I smoked pot and ate a mushroom before I came here otherwise I'd be scratching out your eyeballs right now. Rosie and I got in a little hoot and hinny and I just want to prove her a point.

WILL: What was it about?

KAREN: (Shrugs) well you know Stan's been gone for a while now and when he passed on he was (beat) fat. (Sighs) Rosie wants me to make a will. Doesn't that sound nuts? Why would I need a will? I'm like 20 years old.

GRACE: Yeah like half a century ago.

KAREN: (Gives her a look)

GRACE: (Starts eating her chips again)

KAREN: After I push Rosie off the balcony I thought, hey! Why not? I have nothing else better to do and I wont have to worry about it later like say…..oh……in hell. (Laughs) That Rosario is really stupid, I'll tell ya, she still hasn't gotten it through her head that I'm going to live forever, right Jew and Moo? (Sits on the couch)

WILL & GRACE: (Exchange looks)

KAREN: (Screaming, demanding) I said right?!?

WILL & GRACE: Yeah! (Exchange looks again)

WILL: (Sits)

JACK: (Comes in) hey guys. (Laughs) I'm sorry that was rude, I mean "girls" well except for Grace. (Beat) G, you ready?

GRACE: Give me a second I still need to change. (To Karen and Will) As much as I would love to hear about what Karen is going to give me when she (beat) "doesn't die", I am going out with Jack. (Runs to her bedroom)

JACK: We're going out fishing (does fishing gestures and sounds) (reeling in) hello Bobby! (kisses his hand made into lips)

WILL: Last night you said you wouldn't want to be seen with Grace even for all the money in the word.

KAREN: Oh honey, I wouldn't want to either and I already have half of the world's money. (Slaps Will on the knee)

JACK: Who said anything about Grace? I'm hanging with Irene, Grace is just a tag-along.

WILL: Irene has a boyfriend.

JACK: Well who doesn't? We're just going out for lunch long enough to make us be out for dinner as well.

KAREN: Honey, isn't that twerp still in school?

WILL: She quit her café job, just as long as Jack fails to go to work everyday Irene doesn't have to either. You know the one of the reason Out TV is a failure is because-

KAREN: Oh shut up homo!! (Beat) No one cares. You're just jealous because they like Jack better than you and so does the rest of the world.

WILL: Yeah ok you want me to help you write a will or not.

KAREN: Yes lover.

WILL: That's what I thought.

IRENE: (Comes) Hey….. Where's Grace?

GRACE: (Comes out wearing this dress that's shredded everywhere) Ok let's go! (Runs out to the hallway)

JACK & IRENE: (Watches Grace as she passes them)

JACK: Where's the rest of her outfit?

IRENE: Dad, check if she has like a German Shepard in her room.

JACK & IRENE: (Run after her.)

SCENE II: Restaurant

GRACE: (Looks around) Jack I thought we were going out clubbing. What are we doing at Red Lobster? I mean I love seafood just as much as the next person I see here.

GIRL: (Passing by) (Talking to her boyfriend) I hate lobster, you know I'm a vegetarian.

BOY: They got good salad here.

GIRL: Shrimp cocktail is not a kind of salad!

GRACE: Ok that one didn't count, I meant the _next_ person.

IRENE: Not to be a party pooper but I'm not 21 yet. (Shrugs)

JACK: Just a couple more weeks and we girls can get all drunk together and pick up hot guys.

GRACE: (Copies Napoleon Dynamite) Yesssss……

JACK: (Hits the table) Come on big red I am so sick and tired of hearing Napoleon Dynamite impressions. That movie is so old!!

GRACE: It just came out this year.

JACK: I know but in movie years it's like a mid-life-crisis-hitting father!

IRENE: Jack, calm down you're getting wrinkles. (Dips her hand in her glass of water and sprinkles it on his face.)

JACK: (Sighs) thanks you're a life saver.

GRACE: Hot waiter, hot waiter, hot waiter alert.

STEVEN: Hi I'm Steven I'll be your waiter today. (Gives them menus) Our special today is-

GRACE: We can read the board.

STEVEN: Ok well maybe I'll interest you in-

GRACE: No.

STEVEN: I guess I'll leave you a couple minutes. (Leaves)

IRENE: Grace, if you think he's cute be nice to him.

GRACE: (Laughs) Irene I am an adult, I have more experience in dating than you. See, us adults, we have this technique in getting dates. This technique is called, "playing hard to get".

IRENE: Oh I see…..you want to hear one of my techniques that haven't failed yet?

GRACE: (Excited) Sure!

IRENE: It's called "Grace, stop pretending you're smart and acting like you know what you're talking about when actually you are clueless." (Takes a breath) you should try it, the title is long but it's effective.

GRACE: (Puffs up her cheeks and reads her menu)

SCENE III: Will's Apartment

WILL: (Has a bunch of papers on the dining table)

KAREN: (Sitting with him)

WILL: Ok lets get started…..do you know what you're giving away at all to anyone?

KAREN: Honey if I did I wouldn't need your help, would I?

WILL: Skipping ahead….. What do you have?

KAREN: Everything, stop asking stupid questions, homo! Can you get me a drink? I'm hungry.

WILL: Tell you what? I'll make you my very own cocktail drink called, "Rich Bitch in Hell."

KAREN: Sounds delish. (Snaps at him and points to the kitchen)

WILL: (Pours a glass of wine) what are your valuables?

KAREN: (Looks like she's thinking real hard) my knockers….. (Takes a sip of wine)

WILL: (Rolls his eyes) How about something you can give away?

KAREN: Honey, I'm not giving away any of my belongings.

WILL: Then why are we making a damn will?!?

KAREN: Whoa, take a chill pill, Will. You're head is turning red and looks like its going to pop off just like your mini me when it gets excited.

WILL: Karen this isn't that hard…..you know what a will is and what it needs to contain. Ok let take Stan's will for an example. (Takes a stack of papers out)

KAREN: Honey you still got a copy of that? I thought it got cremated along with the 600 pound fat cake.

WILL: I always keep a copy just in case something like this happens. A stupid multi-million she-devil needs an assistance making a will after realizing she's not immortal.

KAREN: (Laughs, takes a pill, and glares at Will)

WILL: Ok here, Stanley gave you most of his money and his company. When you (mumbles) who do you want to have the company and your money?

KAREN: Honey cant I just bury it with me?

WILL: (Sighs) Yes but that'll be stupid.

KAREN: Well what do you suggest??

WILL: Split your money up and give your closest people some.

KAREN: Oh ok….well you know I hate charities or orphanages (shrugs) so I guess I'll give you, Grace, and Jack some.

WILL: Oh that's so sweet, how much?

KAREN: 2 each.

WILL: (Gives her a look)

KAREN: Honey you know how rich I am 2 is like a lifetime survival for a hobo.

WILL: I know but you might want to give more than that seeing you got 94 left.

KAREN: Fine… I would like to give my servants some… a little bit! And maybe give my bo doctor, and pharmacist some too (taps on the paper)

WILL: Ok whatever. (Writes it down)

KAREN: Should I give Irene some? Nah she can just take some of my money from you. (Sighs) maybe my step children and Rosario. My manicurist is sweet, cut some of it for her too and maybe the hobo that sits outside my workplace who throws a bottle of pee at me every time she sees me. (Laughs) she's funny.

WILL: Anyone else?

KAREN: If I just so happen to be married when I go, cut some for my mister-ess.

WILL: (Thinks) What about your husband?

KAREN: Eh, I have a feeling he's going to be some bi-sexual loser. Which why I'd be cheating on him! (Laughs)

SCENE IV: Red Lobster

(Jack, Grace, and Irene are now eating)

JACK: Can I have some of your (points with his fork)

IRENE: Only if I can have some of your (points with her fork)

JACK: Sure!

BOTH: (Switch forks and puts some food on it and gives the fork back)

GRACE: Can I have all of your (points with her knife)

IRENE: No.

GRACE: You know, sometimes you both are just so cute. Iry, why can't you be this cute with Will?

IRENE: What are you talking about? I'm cute with everyone. Do you not see my hair in pigtails?

JACK: (Plays with her hair)

IRENE: (Giggles)

STEVEN: How's everyone?

GRACE: None of your business.

JACK: Don't mind her; she forgot to take Midol this morning. (Gestures around his stomach and mouths the word, "cramps")

STEVEN: Oh ok. (Leaves after refilling Grace's water)

JACK: (Talks through the side of his mouth) Man that guy's so gay.

GRACE: (Gapes) he's so NOT.

JACK: (Points) Oh, oh did you just see that?

GRACE: (Looks) What? The guy just patted the other guy on the back. (Confused)

JACK: A pat on the back or fondling given from behind? (Raises an eyebrow)

GRACE: Jack in your world you think everyone's gay.

JACK: (Skeptical) Well its true! Come on the guy is gorgeous!

GRACE: Just because you are attracted to a man doesn't make the man gay. It just makes you some cat in heat.

IRENE: I don't know my gaydar is honking I think Jack's right.

GRACE: Oh come on.

IRENE: Well speaking from experience here, Grace, you turned so many men gay that when you like a guy most likely the guy's gay.

GRACE: Well- I- (Laughs) this is ridiculous.

JACK: (Takes out his wallet) I bet 5 bucks he's a homojo.

IRENE: I'm in (puts in 5 dollars)

GRACE: I am not going to bet you guys-

STEVEN: (Comes) your jacket fell off your chair (puts it back on Grace's chair and pats her on the shoulder before walking off)

GRACE: (Sniffs him and snaps out of it) I raise you 20! (Puts more money on the table)

JACK & IRENE: (Takes out more money)

SCENE V: Doucette and Stein

KAREN: (Sitting in front of Will's desk)

WILL: (Wearing glasses) Ok we're almost done.

KAREN: Why did we have to come to your office? I just finished my groove into your seat and it fit my ass like a glove.

WILL: I'm sorry but I was just missing some papers you had to sign when we were through with this.

CONNIE: (Comes in) Hi Will I just came to offer you Connie- I mean me. I mean _coffee._

WILL: (Smiles) No thank you, Karen?

KAREN: Huh?

WILL: Would you like some coffee?

CONNIE: Actually I lied I don't have any coffee, at least not for _her._

WILL: Ok is that all?

CONNIE: You look nice in glasses.

WILL: (Nicely) get out.

CONNIE: Going….. (Leaves)

KAREN: (Laughs) what a freak. Who wants Connie? That's just sad…..

WILL: (Beat) we're halfway through your closet - now shoes.

KAREN: Half to Grace, half to Jack, half to Irene.

WILL: Ok that's three halves…..

KAREN: So?

WILL: Never mind…..

KAREN: Oh honey, making a will is fun; we should do this every weekend.

WILL: (Smiles) or not?

KAREN: Oh thank God I wasn't willing to spend this much time with you every weekend.

WILL: See this isn't so hard right?

KAREN: Right!

WILL: Now hats.

KAREN: Oh I never wear hats you can just give those to Rosario and the cult.

WILL: What cult?

KAREN: You know _the_ cult. The (whispers) homeless… (Looks scared)

SCENE VI: Red Lobster

(Grace's whole table is looking at Steven and when he turns around to look at them they pretend they're eating. When he turns back to the front they all stare at him again)

GRACE: Ok this is ridiculous we've been sitting here for like 20 minutes looking at him.

JACK: Well _you_ just wouldn't admit that he's gay.

GRACE: Not everyone's gay!!

JACK: Yeah huh!!

IRENE: Ok, ok, Grace is right. I am getting pretty bored looking at his butt all day.

JACK: one proof he's gay: nice ass.

GRACE: So what?!?

JACK: Straight guys particularly have fat asses.

GRACE: What?!? No!!

IRENE: Ok that's it. (Raises an arm and starts snapping) Yo, Steven waiter guy. Get over here!!

STEVEN: (To Irene) I'll be there in a second. (Points to a customer he's busy with)

IRENE: I don't care that fat old bald guy can wait! (Snaps several time and stomps her foot)

JACK: Ow!

IRENE: Sorry….. (Pats Jack on the back)

STEVEN: Yes?

IRENE: Took you long enough, I'll tell you one thing your tip had just gone down 1.

STEVEN: I'm sorry but it's the dinner rush now, you guys have been hogging this table all after noon.

GRACE: That's it, no tip for you!

IRENE: (Tugs on Steven's apron) my friends here want to know if you're gay or straight.

STEVEN: Well isn't it obvious?

(Everyone exchanges looks)

JACK: (Innocently) No.

STEVEN: (Looks around to see if anyone's listening) Bi.

GRACE: (Gasps then makes a huge scoff)

IRENE: (Covers her plate from Grace's spit and gives her a look)

GRACE: BLOWS!

JACK: (Sighs) Bi people are such hogs. You either like men or like women you can't have both! (Hits the table)

IRENE: Yeah! (Beat) Wait, I don't care.

GRACE: You placed a bet.

IRENE: (Hits the table) Hog!

GRACE: Ok calm down before we have this battle of the sexualities going on here. Steven, which one do you like better?

STEVEN: (Shrugs) Men.

GRACE: (Sighs and scoffs again)

JACK & IRENE: (Split Grace's money and high fives each other, laughing)

JACK: (Gives Stephen a card) Call me, you're darling. But, change your hair, the Ross Gellar look doesn't work when you have Clay Aiken's face, ok?

SCENE VII: Doucette and Stein.

WILL: Karen, I guess we'll have to finish some other time.

KAREN: (Asleep in her chair with a bottle of wine in her hand) (Wakes up) Oh ok. Yay! What fun! (Sarcastic) Say, Will?

WILL: Yes?

KAREN: Have you made a will yet?

WILL: No Karen, I have not.

KAREN: Well why not?

WILL: (Shrugs)

KAREN: Will's will willing to will it up? Will.

WILL: Stop saying "will" over and over again.

KAREN: Ok, but honey, you're 40.

WILL: And you're 150.

KAREN: Yes I know but you're 40.

WILL: I just havent have the time yet.

KAREN: Yeah ok well you better make time because you're 40.

WILL: Stop saying "40" over and over again now.

KAREN: How about I take back your share of my money and give it to Irene and make my death wish that she never gives you a cent from it?

WILL: Ok, ok….. continue to say Will and 40…..

KAREN: Will, you're 40 you need to make a will, Will. (Beat) 40, 40.

WILL: Fine I'll take your advice and make one in the near future.

KAREN: No now, I want to know what I'm getting.

WILL: Karen!

KAREN: (Looks at her watch and look at Will with a straight face)

WILL: (Looks back)

KAREN: (Looks at her watch again and looks at Will again)

WILL: (Looks back)

KAREN: (Looks at her watch)

WILL: Not today, Karen.

KAREN: Ok sure, honey. (Looks at her watch again)

WILL: (Gets up) (Sing-song) I'm locking you in my office. (Leaves)

KAREN: (Running out the door) Here I come, Billy boy!

SCENE VIII: Will's Apartment

(Everyone's watching TV)

WILL: I love Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.

KAREN: I like the way they make the Q and E into glasses.

GRACE: Why?

KAREN: It just looks nice. I wish I had glasses that looked like a Q and E.

IRENE: I wish everyone was gay.

JACK: Who doesn't? (Laughs)

IRENE: Gay guys are hot.

JACK: (Slaps her on the knee) Thank you, thank you (runs his fingers through his hair)

IRENE: Jai is hot. (Says Jai like Ja-eye)

WILL: I don't think that's how you say his name.

GRACE: Yeah it's Jai (says it like G-aye)

JACK: Fools its Jai (says it like Jay) Thom just said it (says Thom, sounding out the T-H)

KAREN: It's Thom! (Says it like Tom)

WILL: I don't get why they choose all these gay men who have names that are spelt weird. The only normal one is like Ted.

KAREN: I think their parents were just ASKING for their kids to be gay with all these queer spellings.

IRENE: Ok I don't care just _Jai_ (says it right) is sexy. It's a shame he's gay.

GRACE: The guy with the glasses is hot too.

WILL: That's Ted.

JACK: (Outburst) they are all hot!!

KAREN: Except Carson, what's with his upper lip?

WILL: I know (makes a gross noise)

GRACE: And he's in charge of fashion too. He looks like some herpes, cold sore, rotting lip survivor.

EVERYONE: (Agrees)

END


	11. Ballroom Rumble

SUMMARY: The gang goes into a contest.

SCENE I: Will's apartment

(Gang is sitting on the couch)

KAREN: (Looking uncomfortable) Lord, why are we here? Something is poking me in the back… (Looks behind the cushion and takes out a bra) Huh. (Looks confused) Will, this must be yours.

GRACE: Give me that! (Takes it and goes into her bedroom)

KAREN: (Scoffs and laughs) Will I think someone's into your boobies.

WILL: It's Grace's

JACK: How can that be Grace's it's not even her size!

IRENE: (Comes in) Hey has anyone seen my bra?

GRACE: (Comes out) that's odd it usually takes me 2 napkins to fill each cup but this one took 5.

IRENE: Is it skin colored lined with daisies?

GRACE: Yeah.

IRENE: (Holds her hand out)

GRACE: (Takes it out through her sleeve and napkins falls out of from under her shirt)

IRENE: Will, I got your message.

JACK: (Hits the cushion) about time! We were sitting here for like an hour!

GRACE: Jack, it's been like two minutes.

JACK: (Looks at his watch) Oh my watch is broken how about that. (Calms down)

WILL: Ok, ok big news. Grace you ready?

GRACE: Yeah! (Gets excited and takes out a magazine) Will and I are entering a dancing contest at one of the most exquisite ballrooms of New York.

KAREN: You know (looks up, thinking) I don't really care.

WILL: That's not even half of it. If we win, we get like 50 thousand dollars and meet Carson Daily for lunch!

JACK: Carson Daily? I love Carson Daily.

GRACE: Don't forget Conan O'Brien.

IRENE: Conan O'Brien? I love Conan O'Brien!!

JACK & IRENE: (Starts squealing and bouncing on the couch)

KAREN: Wow….. Peppy Long Stalking (plays with Irene's pigtails), Scarecrow, take a good look at Dorothy and Tin Man. That's your future. (Pats Irene on the back) Anyways I already heard about the contest and I think we know who's going to win. (Stands up, getting ready to leave)

WILL: Yeah.

GRACE: (Same time as Karen) Us.

KAREN: (Same time as Grace) Me.

GRACE & KAREN: What?

GRACE: (Laughs) you don't even have a partner.

KAREN: Sure I do. My little Jackie.

JACK: Yeah we're going to kick your ass!

IRENE: Hey, hey, hey…I am entering too.

EVERYONE: (Looks at Irene)

IRENE: After I get a partner.

WILL: You know what we're doing?

JACK: Practicing.

JACK & KAREN: (Tripping everywhere, getting out)

WILL: (Grabbing Grace and dancing)

IRENE: (Running out)

SCENE II: Jack's Apartment

IRENE: (Coming in)

JACK: (Yelling at Karen) Come on you're dancing like you have two left feet!

KAREN: That's insulting, I have four!

IRENE: Hey.

JACK: Oh hi Irene.

KAREN: (Squeals and puts her nose up in the air) what is she doing here?

JACK: Oh I'm sorry, we're practicing.

IRENE: I know. (Smiles)

KAREN: (Looks scared) Poodle, what the hell is she doing she's freaking me out.

JACK: Is there something I can help you with?

IRENE: Yeah can you teach me how to dance?

JACK: (Harsh sigh)

KAREN: Why you little son of a homo I ought to- (Raises her fist)

JACK: Karen! (Holds her arm) Sit!

KAREN: Fine….. (Sits)

JACK: Ok listen sweetheart… no.

IRENE: But I already got a partner. (Opens a door and reveals a hot guy in a skin tight shirt)

JACK: (Seductive voice) Hello there.

IRENE: (Closes the door) Jack please do this for me and I promise I won't ask for anything ever again!

JACK: Irene I am a dancer (does this huge dance move) and I am fighting for the same thing you are so no.

IRENE: (Opens the door really fast)

JACK: Ok.

IRENE: (Shuts the door) Yay! (Jumps on Jack)

KAREN: Hey, hey, hey! (Claps) Ho and Mo cut that out. Now I want see Daily French O'Brien and refill my bank account!

JACK: You have a bank account?

KAREN: Yeah and I miss that feeling having a big wad of cash wrapped by a rubber band in between my bust. (Takes out a few bills) (Sighs) I knew I shouldn't have let Rosie take a few thou- to buy this year's edition of a "member's only jacket".

JACK: Karen (talks through the side of his mouth) I'm not going to let her know all I got, just a taste, a BIG taste so she thinks she's got the whole ga-hoon-a when really she's only got a bite of a wedding cake.

KAREN: Honey you know I don't get analogies or….allergies I forgot which.

IRENE: Karen (Opens the door and the hot guy gets gives Irene a jar of olives) I got you a present.

KAREN: Oh honey….all right. Jackie, go teach her.

JACK: (Talks through the side of his mouth to Irene) is he uh…

IRENE: Yes he is I knew that he would get to you.

JACK: O-la-la.

SCENE III: Will's Apartment

GRACE: Will! Shoe crisis! (Falls in the living room)

WILL: What? Come on we got to go!

GRACE: I was going to wear my tango shoes but I broke the heel. Look (Shows him the shoe)

WILL: So wear your mamba shoes.

GRACE: Well I was going to wear that until I found out I outgrew them. (Shows him the shoe and the front of it is ripped open)

WILL: Geez Grace what did you do? If it doesn't fit, it doesn't fit, you don't cram your whole foot in there. Small feet are only popular in China.

GRACE: Well my feet were cold I didn't know when my toes were touching the front.

WILL: You know I can make a really witty joke with that. (Laughs a little)

GRACE: Save it, I have PMS.

WILL: Ok, wear your Latin shoes then.

GRACE: Uh hello? We're don't doing Latin!

WILL: We're not doing tango and mamba either!! Ugh come on (Drags her back in her room)

SCENE IV: Ballroom.

KAREN: Oh honey I'm so nervous. (Spazing) Or is it the expired caffeine pills I over dosed an hour ago. You know I love expired Mexican pills, it makes them chewable and my tongue burn. (Smiles)

JACK: Sh…its ok, it's ok I'm like (in an accent) lord of the dance, and we're going to kick butt!

JACK & KAREN: (Looking at a couple walking by)

KAREN: Can you wear any less you stupid whore? Praying if your boob will fall out you'll get first prize?

JACK: Stop that… (Stomps his foot) Hey man any tighter clothes you could see your balls! And shave that hairy chest no one likes to see that!

KAREN: (Laughs) Oh honey I am so happy we found each other. If I was a man, or you were a woman we would SO hook up.

IRENE: Hi guys.

JACK: Hey hot guy.

JAMES: For the third time my name is James.

IRENE: Karen, James, James, Satan.

KAREN: (Shakes his hand) glad to meet you.

IRENE: (Laughs) we're so kicking your ass.

JACK: I doubt it. I guess I can get the cat out of the bag, I didn't teach you diddly squat!

KAREN: (Giggles) He gave you the crappiest moves ever!

IRENE: (Smiles)

KAREN: Why is she smiling?

JACK: Maybe she's got her emotions mixed up.

KAREN: Oh I got something for that… (Digs through her purse and gives Irene a bottle)

IRENE: I am smiling because James studied at Interlochen. He majored in dance, HA!

JACK: Oh damn that Reese's pieces!

IRENE: See you on the dance floor (turns around and sticks her butt out, spitting out her tongue)

KAREN: (In the background, holding her nose)

WILL & GRACE: (Meets James and Irene at the door)

IRENE: Are those my shoes?

GRACE: No, these were in Will's closet.

WILL: (Winces) Actually…

IRENE: Hey! Give me those back!

GRACE: I am not going to be barefooted on the dance floor!

IRENE: You're cheating those are my shoes!

GRACE: How is that cheating? These aren't mechanical self-dancing shoes.

IRENE: You don't know that!

GRACE: (Beat) What?

IRENE: (Scoffs) Fine! (Turns around) Will just missed out a chance making out with my partner.

WILL: Why does Grace have to ruin everything!

GRACE: Oh come on you man-child… (Drags him on the dance floor)

WILL: (Dances with Grace) Ugh we are so going to win.

GRACE: What should I wear? For the lunch? I was thinking something slutty but… Conan is married.

WILL: He is? Dang I need to fix my gaydar.

GRACE: Why? Is it broken?

WILL: You know that doesn't sound right?

GRACE: Will I know your thingy is injured I saw you shaving it last night.

WILL: You did? It hurt! When does it stop stinging?

GRACE: Never, I've done it too and now it always itches.

JACK: (Dancing with Karen, behind them) My goodness you two have like the most boring conversations ever.

WILL: Hey dingus, who said you had to listen.

JACK: Oh right (Turns)

KAREN: (Becomes nearest) Sorry honey, I asked him the eavesdrop on you two because I hoped that Will would make a remark about Grace's um… dress (makes throwing up faces)

WILL: (Rolls his eyes at Karen) you know at times like this I really miss Vince.

GRACE: Will, its winter give me a break.

WILL: I'm not talking about your legs. Speaking of which, you should really do something about them, I saw you putting it into a pony tail last night when you were going into bed.

GRACE: what a liar, I was combing it with a brush.

WILL: Eh, whatever.

IRENE: (Dancing) hey what are you guys talking about.

EVERYONE: Hmph!

IRENE: Don't hate me because I have a hot guy as a partner while y'all got ugly ones.

JAMES: You know I am more than just a hot guy; I have layers like a Pillsbury biscuit.

GRACE: Yum, now you're talking.

KAREN: (Giggles) I love burying pills (beat) down my esophagus. (Smiles)

ANGELA: (On mic) Hello everyone and welcome to the rainbow room, my name is Miss Angela, host of this dance contest and head writer of "The In" magazine. The winners of tonight are going to a luncheon with NBC's most popular late night TV talk show hosts, Conan O'Brien and Carson Daily.

KAREN: What about Leno?

ANGELA: Leno unfortunately couldn't fit time in his schedule as he is going to get chin reduction this weekend, send some of the left over on EBay and spend the profit on buying a Bentley! Ok so without further ado we got a married couple, Jhoni Amiel with Mitchell Jackson doing Latin.

(Two people get on the floor and start dancing)

GRACE: Oh no.

WILL: What?

GRACE: I need to pee.

WILL: Well go! Hurry! I don't want you peeing in the middle of our routine.

GRACE: Hey I am an adult I can hold it in.

WILL: Does Jerry Michaels' graduation college party mean anything to you?

GRACE: Hey that was different! I had alcohol, you know how alcohol just slips out!

WILL: What have you been drinking? (Gives her a look)

GRACE: Yeah ok. (Runs and then trips on something and falls) (Picks up her shoe and her heel is broken, stares at it) Uh oh!

WILL: What?

GRACE: I broke Irene's shoes!

IRENE: (Over hears) What?!? No!! These were a gift!

WILL: (Gives her a look)

IRENE: Yeah ok… (Looks shameful) Grace owes me 19 dollars!

GRACE: No I'm broke!

IRENE: Well you should have thought of that before you took these shoes out of Will's closet! (Runs off)

WILL: Why do you always have to ruin everything?

GRACE: Will you stop saying that!?!

WILL: Now what?

GRACE: I'm not dancing barefooted!

WILL: I don't see how you're not!

GRACE: I'll find a way stop using your queer voice at me. (Stands up and goes over to Karen) Karen…..

KAREN: (Turns around) Oh hi honey, what can I do you for?

GRACE: I need to borrow your shoes.

KAREN: Ugh I thought you never ask! Ok honey I'll do you but you have to wear a strap on. Even though you're a female I still like my ding-dongs (Smiles)

GRACE: Karen did you even hear what I said?

KAREN: Does it look like it? I'm sorry I took so many pills I think if you hit me on the head a couple tablets will fall out of my ears, you have to speak louder.

GRACE: I need to borrow your shoes.

KAREN: (Realizing) Oh….no.

GRACE: If you do I promise I'll let you have your manicurist at work (Sing-song)

KAREN: Oh Gracie, I already do that when you're not around. (Shrugs) Besides you're filthy. Lending you my shoes is like giving my shoes to a hobo telling him to pee and drink his own urine out of it then putting it back on my foot.

GRACE: (Winces) that's the worst and not the mention grossest analogy you've put together yet.

KAREN: So you see my point. (Nodding and getting in Grace's face)

GRACE: Hey isn't that your pharmacist? (Points in the distance)

KAREN: (Facing to where Grace was pointing) Hi Pharmie!

GRACE: (Gets down on her hands and knees and tries to take off Karen's shoes)

KAREN: Wow…aren't you just a big lessie?

JAMES: (Passes by looking at them)

KAREN: Oh don't mind us, she's just pretending I'm a lollipop.

JAMES: (Looks at them weird and runs off)

GRACE: (Takes off one shoe) HA! Try dancing with one shoe!

KAREN: That's it, you owe me 1000 dollars. (Throws the other one at her) I don't even like the left one.

GRACE: That's not fair I already owe Irene 19

KAREN: Well you should have thought of that before you got your dirty hands on my Gucci Gucci!

GRACE: (Puts them on) I'm going to pretend the last two zeros don't exist! (Runs off)

KAREN: Jackie we have a problem, an ugly person who has a hunchback just ran off with my shoes.

JACK: (Eating) Oh. (Puts his plate down and takes shoes out of his jacket) Here. I had a feeling that on our way here that either Grace or hobo would use it as a toilet.

KAREN: Poodle, did you have this in your inner jacket pocket the whole time?

JACK: Mhm!

KAREN: No wonder your pecs were so hard! (Hits him on the chest)

GRACE: (Next to Will) Ok I stole shoes from Karen.

WILL: What? You two don't even have the same shoe size!

GRACE: Irene isn't either! Man why cant midgets have clown feet? Good thing my feet are cold.

WILL: (Scoffing) Yeah because if it wasn't then we'll be doomed. (Gives her a look)

IRENE: I heard you and Jack are clicking along.

JAMES: Yeah about that, I lied, I'm not gay.

IRENE: What? Why?!?

JAMES: Well you know, I know you got a gay dad, gay best friend, and your other friends who are girls are romantically involved with gays. (Looks over)

(Shows Karen and Jack fondling each other and Will and Grace hugging and doing small kisses)

IRENE: Yeah what are you saying?

JAMES: I'm saying, I also majored in theatre in Interlochen.

IRENE: (Big Gasp)

JAMES: And I only pretended to be gay just so you would…like me? And also I was a little questioning because you'll be surprised how many gay guys go to Interlochen. I was the only straight guy in theatre and dance. The rest were either gay or girls so…..

IRENE: Then it wasn't hard for you to find a girlfriend.

JAMES: No…Straighties were a rarity so girls get boyfriends that go to the public school nearest to us. I did have a lot of boyfriends though. (Laughs)

IRENE: How do I know that you're just not _acting_ straight now?

JAMES: How many gay guys do law?

IRENE: (Looks up) Yeah I should have told you this before, my dad's a lawyer and he has three other gay men working under him.

JAMES: (Gives her a look)

IRENE: (Puts her hand up and closes her eyes) I know that sounds wrong but it's true.

ANGELA: (On mic) Wow wasn't that good?

(Audience claps)

ANGELA: (Off mic, to the judges) they are _so_ not winning. (On mic, smiling) Ok our next couple is two best friends Will and Grace doing swing.

GRACE: Damn it I didn't get to pee!

WILL: Ew you booked us under Swing.

GRACE: What kind are we doing?

WILL: (Beat) Swing but it seems so disgusting when you perform it in a ballroom.

JACK: Oh my god Kare, we're next. (Squatting a little and standing up)

KAREN: Honey quit doing that you look like you have to pee.

JACK: I don't know, do I?

KAREN: (Sighs and gives him her shoe)

(Watches Will and Grace dance for a while)

GRACE: (Talking to Irene and James) I am just amazed at how you are a tap, I mean you are definitely going to win.

IRENE: (Mad a little) Yeah…

JACK: Was you just standing like a pole part of your routine?

IRENE: (Through her teeth) No.

KAREN: Huh that's interesting, so why _did_ you stand there and do nothing?

IRENE: Because (glares at James) he stole the show.

JACK: (Scoffs) he certainly did!

KAREN: (Hits Jack)

JACK: What was that for?

KAREN: You know how much classic ballroom dancing is unsuitable in a dance competition in a ballroom!

JACK: Sorry I didn't know all these people were going to go out of their way to do flips and stuff.

WILL: Yeah the Chinese were scary.

ANGELA: (On mic) Ok and we have a tie! (Opens an envelope) Irene and James for tap and Will and Grace for swing!

JACK: What we didn't win?

KAREN: I knew I should have pulled off a Janet Jackson!

WILL: Flashing your boob?

KAREN: Of course, what you thought I was talking about her dancing? She sucks at dancing….

JACK: Hey _I_ danced for her once.

KAREN: Yeah and look how good that did you! (Growls) I am so angry! (Stomps off)

SCENE V: Will's Apartment

(Will, Grace, Irene, and James enter)

JACK & KAREN: (sitting on the couch and suddenly jumps up and down on it as they enter) How was it, how was it, how was it?!?

WILL: (Gives them a look) Get off the couch.

JACK & KAREN: Oh sorry (gets on the floor and jumps) How was it, how was it, how was it?

GRACE: It was nothing.

IRENE: Literally.

KAREN: Huh?

IRENE: O'Brien and Daily were too busy to come eat lunch with us so we had lunch with their publicist instead. What a bust…

WILL: (Sighs) that's it I am never trying anything ever again! (Goes to his room)

GRACE: Amen. (Goes to her room)

(Irene, James, Jack, and Karen look at each other)

JACK: So you want to get a doughnut.

IRENE: Yeah sure!

KAREN: Can I have one that has rum filling?

JACK: Of course.

KAREN: Oh good, I brought my own syringe. (Takes one out of her purse) I stole it from a sperm bank.

END


	12. Love Really

SUMMARY: Irene's got a dirty little secret meanwhile Jack tries his best to cheer Will up after his break up with Vince. Will history repeat itself?

SCENE I: Hallway between all apartments

GRACE: (Taking out the trash)

IRENE: (Coming out of her apartment with James)

GRACE: (About to walk past them and go back inside but runs back, deciding to spy on them)

JAMES: Thanks for lending me your toothbrush.

IRENE: (Has a trash bag in her hand) Oh yeah it's no problem. I consider it like sharing a straw, no big deal.

JAMES: (Laughs and kisses her)

IRENE: (Pulling back) I know I should have mentioned it before but my bag has a leak.

JAMES: (Backs up revealing the crotch part of his pants is wet)

IRENE: (Laughs a little) I can run a blow dryer on that if you want.

JAMES: Nah I'll just shrink. My thingy is dry clean only.

IRENE: (Laughs again) I-I'll see you again tonight?

JAMES: Yeah (about to hug her then changes his mind)

IRENE: Hey (put the hand that's hold then bag behind her and hugs and kisses him on the cheek) call me.

JAMES: (Leaves in the elevator, giving a little wave before doors closing)

IRENE: (Steps out doing a little dance and a little water from the bag leaks all over the hallway and she notices) Oh crap.

GRACE: (Jumps behind a plant)

IRENE: (Doesn't notice her and throws away the trash going back in her apartment)

GRACE: (Runs back in Will's apartment)

IRENE: (Comes back out with paper towels, on her hands and knees wiping up the mess)

GRACE: (Coming back out short after) hi Irene… (In a funny voice) what'cha doing?

IRENE: Oh the janitor here sucks, I came out here and I slipped on pee so I thought I'd take the liberty on myself and clean it up. (Smiles)

GRACE: Really? What did you do last night?

IRENE: Um (stands up) watched a late movie, eat take-out…

GRACE: Did you sleep late?

IRENE: Yeah but its ok I feel a little energetic today, I might even go to the gym with Will. (Tosses her hair and smiles again)

GRACE: You're smiling a lot today (smiles back)

IRENE: Oh you know how those whitening strips just make you want to smile all day. (Beat) So I'll see you later?

GRACE: Like for dinner?

IRENE: No I'm going out.

GRACE: With who? (Smiles, holding her laugh back)

IRENE: A friend.

GRACE: Huh…so what about after?

IRENE: I think I am going to have a little sleep over party with my college friends, I hope you don't mind.

GRACE: (Thinks she's going somewhere and is all giddy) Not at all! Give me a hug! (Hugs her) I am so proud of you!

IRENE: (Backs off, awkward) Thanks… (Goes into her apartment backwards)

SCENE II: Breakfast.

JACK: So I was thinking we could go to the spa and get facials. Maybe they can buff out those depress lines on your forehead. I heard those can get deep and permanent.

WILL: (Pours everyone orange juice) No that's ok; I'm coping with this better than I thought I would. (Sits down)

KAREN: Well in that case I got news for you! Your daughter lost her virginity last night! (Laughs and starts clapping, bouncing in her chair) yay!

JACK: Oh my god! (Starts bouncing and clapping in his chair) Go Irene!

GRACE: What? I thought I was the only one who knew!

IRENE: (Gaping) (Beat) how did you all know?

WILL: And what made you all think that, that would make me feel better? (Looks at Irene)

IRENE: (Smiles) It was a mutual decision, daddy.

WILL: What about Brent?

IRENE: (Gasps) oh my god we've been away from each other for so long I forgot about his existence? Ah the hell with it, he's ugly.

KAREN: That's mean! Even for my taste! I just lost my appetite.

IRENE: I'm kidding; we took a break a week ago, just like Will and Vince. He's dating this girl named Lori and she has man-like muscles.

JACK: (Looks at her)

IRENE: Brent and I webcammed.

JACK: Oh.

WILL: You were always talking about saving yourself for marriage.

IRENE: (Going to the kitchen and getting seconds) I know but give me some credit, I didn't get my first kiss until I was 16.

GRACE: Will, when did you lose your virginity?

WILL: That's different I'm gay.

GRACE: (Gives him a look)

WILL: Ok but did you use protection?

IRENE: Of course (Sits down and kisses Will on the cheek)

JACK: So tell us what it was like? (In a nasal-y voice) did it hurt, did you bleed, or broke whatever you girls have down there?

IRENE: No, a little, and possibly.

GRACE: That big huh?

WILL: Hey, hey, hey this is breakfast not the casual sex talk café from sex and the city.

JACK: Well Karen, Grace, and I haven't done it in a long time we are wondering if they changed it.

KAREN: Also it's been like a hundred years since we lost our virginities we forgot what it was like.

IRENE: I don't really want to talk about it.

GRACE: Aw come on, Irene!

KAREN JACK: Yeah.

WILL: No! (Gets up and goes to his bedroom and slams the door)

JACK: Depress lines are working their way to his saggy cheeks I suppose I should take him to the spa now.

KAREN: You can you my account honey, here's my membership card. (Gives a card to him)

JACK: Thanks and can I buy a coat with this?

KAREN: (Laughs) sure why not, if you go to Barney's ask for Terry, wear something tight and maybe you'll get the coat free (winks)

SCENE III: Restaurant

KAREN: Honey are you sure she's here?

GRACE: I over heard her talking on the phone this is the place. Look there she is.

KAREN: Man just thinking I am going to see some action turns me on.

GRACE: Look there's James!

JAMES: (Sits down) this place is very nice.

IRENE: I'm putting the money we won in the dance competition in good use.

JAMES: (Smiles)

IRENE: You know something disturbs me. How you said you used to have…boyfriends.

JAMES: yeah?

IRENE: How far did you go with those boyfriends?

JAMES: You really want to know?

IRENE: (Beat) it would be interesting.

JAMES: Eh… 3rd base, not so much all the way.

KAREN: That is so hot…

GRACE: What did he just say?

KAREN: He's bi.

GRACE: Wow you can hear that all the way here?

KAREN: I'm the devil I hear all.

IRENE: Interesting…

JAMES: I hope that doesn't create any tension?

IRENE: Why should it? I've walked in my best friend doing some crazy stuff with his one night stands.

JAMES: Yeah.

IRENE: Listen um, I have to go I have this thing.

KAREN: Oh no!

GRACE: What?

KAREN: Irene is freaking out that James has been in bed with boys.

GRACE: Oh no!

KAREN: Stay there (points and pretends she has magical powers)

JAMES: Wait!

IRENE: You know usually I think gay guys were hot but I never thought I'd be going out with one it's icky. No wonder last night you kept putting it in the other hole. (Winces) Just…I'll talk to you later.

SCENE IV: Spa

WILL: (Getting a massage next to Jack) Thank you, Jack.

JACK: Hey no problem buddy, nothing beats being fondled by a stranger after heartbreak!

WILL: You know you are being a real good sport about this.

JACK: How so?

WILL: Every time you get a break up I kick you out of my apartment and tell you to call a pizza boy to make you feel better. You really go out of your way for me.

JACK: Yeah well you're my best friend and if you get right down to it I really care about you.

WILL: (Sighs) I miss Vince.

JACK: I know you do.

WILL: Did I make a mistake? Breaking up with him?

JACK: Will don't think too much about him! If it's one thing I've learned from dating thousands of men a month, is that if you break up with, "the one" then it's obviously not "the one" one day, you'll find "the one" and "the one" will be tall dark and handsome who will do absolutely everything for your happiness.

WILL: (Beat) Vince was tall dark and handsome.

JACK: (Sitting up) SHH! Are you with him now?

WILL: (sulking) No.

JACK: Then he isn't the one.

WILL: Then who is? I mean the only person I have been with for more than 20 years is Grace… and you but you're different.

JACK: What does that mean?

WILL: It means you have a memory of a goldfish, once you fall in love with someone, in the next 5 seconds you'll get over him.

JACK: Don't be so sure.

WILL: Huh?

JACK: You make me sound like I am some kind of person who is incapable of loving something more than a second.

WILL: It's a fact, you ask me to lend you 1000 dollars to buy a laptop you love and the next day you throw it out the door.

JACK: It wouldn't let me on the internet.

WILL: You need a connection first!

JACK: Well how was I supposed to know that, I am stupid remember? I didn't give up my whole day to be insulted.

WILL: Yeah sorry that I am taking up your lie-naked-in-your-apartment-all-day-and-watch-gay-porn time.

JACK: See that is just what I am talking about! Damn you Will, your depress lines are engraved in your skull, you can't get rid of it even with all the botox in the world! (Gets up, wraps towel around himself, and storms out)

SCENE V: Jack's Apartment

JACK: (About to go to Irene's)

IRENE: (About to go to Jack's)

(Meets in the middle of the hallway)

IRENE JACK: I need to talk to you. (Beat) Ok come in. (Beat) Huh? (Beat) Fine I'll go to yours. (Beat) Fine (beat) fine.

IRENE: (Holds Jack's lips together) we go to your apartment.

JACK: (Nods with Irene's fingers still on his lips and leads her in)

IRENE: Ok you go first.

(They sit on the couch)

JACK: Well today you know how I made a spa day with Will to cheer him up?

IRENE: Yeah?

JACK: During our massage he was like insulting me saying I can't be in a commitment and all that.

IRENE: That's mean.

JACK: Yeah I know he's the loner.

IRENE: (Gives him a look)

JACK: Ok that's harsh but you know he really hurt me. Ok now you.

IRENE: I went to lunch with James today, and we talked about his past boy-boy relationship and he said he went to third, is that gross? That's so gross!

JACK: (Gives her a look)

IRENE: Ok, not gross but now he's with me and knowing that his _blank_ has been in my (coughs) it's a little icky!

JACK: hey you had a crush on me what difference does it make if he's gay or straight?

IRENE: (Beat) Huh. Good point, but I didn't sleep with you.

JACK: Your first kiss was with me, it's almost the same thing.

IRENE: (Thinks and nods) ok finish yours.

JACK: Months ago I used to like Will but Will said no to me because he was taken. To tell you the truth I was making a move today, hinting that I love him but he just totally shut me down.

IRENE: (Gapes) you still like him?

JACK: Oops, I meant to keep that to myself.

IRENE: You guys are _so_ Ross and Rachel.

JACK: So it'll work.

IRENE: Yeah but cant you give it time? I mean he's right you're like a goldfish.

JACK: Oh my god, that's what he said!

IRENE: Of course, he's my dad, we're almost like the same person. I'm glad we talked this out.

JACK: Yeah, so it's set, you sleep with ex-homo, and I'll sleep with your dad.

IRENE: (Shake hands with him) don't say that to me ever again. (Leaves)

SCENE VI: Irene's Apartment

IRENE: (In bed with James, with clothes on) Yeah I don't know what it was but I am guessing last time we did it we were drunk, and I just cant do it now.

JAMES: I think what it is, is that back then you thought I was more straight than gay, but now you think I'm more gay than straight.

IRENE: (Sighs) Yeah. (Gets out) I'm just going to change into my PJs and we can have an old-fashion sleep over (jumps up happy) No (gestures) ok?

JAMES: Ok fine we can talk.

IRENE: I have a pair of um my dad's PJs, his are nice and soft so sometimes I wear them. They are in the first drawer in the dresser beside you. (Leaves)

JAMES: (Takes the PJs out)

SCENE VII: Will's Apartment

JACK: (Comes in) Hey buddy.

WILL: (Watching TV and sighing) Hey Jack.

JACK: (Sits with him) What are you watching?

WILL: Queer Eye for the Straight Guy with picture in picture Queer as Folk.

JACK: Oh so you're not busy (turns off the TV) we need to have a man to gay talk.

WILL: Listen before you start using your monkey-black crow hawking voice, I want to apologize for having a fit with you in the spa that was really uncalled for.

JACK: (Stands up and pulls his shirt down) Thanks I really appreciate that.

WILL: I mean it's just your nature that you change a lot and I wish I was more like you. I wish I can just change and be someone else who likes some other type and I really appreciate that you tried your best to cheer me up today. You're twice the friend I thought you were. (Stands up and strokes his arm and goes to the kitchen to get a drink) You want anything?

JACK: (Frozen and then soaks up everything he says) No that's ok. (Beat) I'm not doing anything tonight though…do you want to do something? We can just sit here all night and…talk.

WILL: Yeah. (Gestures Jack to come to him)

JACK: (Walks over to him and gives him a hug)

They sit on the couch and start talking.

SCENE VIII: Will's bedroom.

JACK: So that's how we broke up! (Laughs)

WILL: That's the worst thing you can do to a person! Telling him, he turned you straight.

JACK: Hey! I got the idea from you, telling Grace she turned you gay.

WILL: She didn't turn me gay, you did! I was fine being a boob man until-

JACK: I pointed out that men don't have boobs they have large pecs.

WILL: (Laughs a little) What? No!

JACK: (Looks at the clock) Hey have you realized that we've been talking for like 5 hours? It's 3 AM.

WILL: I wonder where's Grace…..

IRENE: (Comes in with James) Hey can we hang?

JACK: Sure Iry, hop on!

IRENE JAMES: (Climbs on and sits on the bed)

IRENE: (Gives Jack a look)

JACK: (Nods and smiles)

WILL: So (hits James on the knee) you gay, eh?

JAMES: A little.

IRENE: Dad!

WILL: What? You should marry him!

JACK: Yeah a family full of hags and gays, what could be better?

WILL: (Thinks) Yeah….

IRENE: We already have that now, two gays, three hags it's queer land here.

WILL: (Smiles and clears his throat) Well I am beat…you guys want to sleep over?

JAMES: Sure!

JACK: Ok but if I feel a hand on my ass…

WILL: It'll be your own hand.

Will and Jack sleep the normal way while Irene and James arrange themselves at the foot of the bed.

SCENE X:

GRACE: Ok this is the only place we havent checked, if they aren't here we're going to Motel 6!

KAREN GRACE: (Peeks in Will's Bedroom)

KAREN: Aw man, we missed all the action!

GRACE: Why does this always happen to me?

END


	13. Crushed

Summary: Real feelings continue to unravel.

SCENE I: Will's Apartment.

WILL: (Sitting down reading the paper)

GRACE: (Comes in looking suspicious) (Starts walking awkwardly, her face frozen in that suspicious look and sits down, looking at him)

WILL: (Confused)

GRACE: (Takes his coffee and drinks it) (Drops her suspicious face) Ow, hot. I mean- (Looks suspicious again)

WILL: Good morning Grace, did the blind guy who lives in 9I's walking dog think you were a fire hydrant and pee on you…again?

GRACE: (Glares) you would like that wouldn't you?

WILL: (Puts his paper down and gives her a look)

GRACE: Don't give me that either.

WILL: Must be that time of the month; go to the bathroom Karen is loaning some space in my medicine cabinet maybe you'll find Midol or Tylenol or something that ends in "ol" in there. (Returns to his paper)

GRACE: (Sits back in her chair) it's been three weeks; you can't get over a break up that fast unless...

WILL: (Imitating Grace's suspicious voice and look) unless…

GRACE: Something's up.

WILL: Wow you are getting smarter and smarter everyday. Your IQ just jumped up .0003 points!

GRACE: The fact that you're making jokes and sarcastic comments makes it even more suspicious that something's up.

WILL: Grace, why don't you get a date and get laid?

GRACE: AHA! (Beat) Why don't _you?_

WILL: What is going on here?

GRACE: You tell me.

WILL: (Beat) What? You come here and question my mood and get all Nancy Drew-like. Look up my ass maybe you'll find a clue there. (Bends over in his chair and stick his butt in Grace's face)

GRACE: Are you implying that my water pick is up your butt?

WILL: No. (Beat) But if I were you I would wash it next time you use it. (Looks shifty)

GRACE: Come on spill it.

WILL: Why does something have to be "up" for me to be happy this early after a break up?

GRACE: Uh news flash, you're Will Truman, and it took you ages to get over Michael much less get in a serious relationship. You've only got two so far, Michael and Vince and if I were you I would spend the next 14 years sulking.

WILL: Well I've changed because when I woke up I thought, in 14 years time… I'll be 55 and will be too old and ugly to get committed then.

GRACE: I saw your bedroom last night. (Whistles)

WILL: What does that supposed to mean?

GRACE: Nothing just, Karen was with me and she got an orgasm right there just like that! (Snaps)

WILL: (Looks at her weird) what are you trying to go with this?

GRACE: I saw you in bed with Jack. (Nods) I missed most of the hot action but you guys were still recovering from sheer pleasure.

WILL: (Winces) Yeah dingus, did you happen to also see Irene and James in the bed?

GRACE: Oh yeah. (Nods)

WILL: And may I remind you that Irene's my daughter?

GRACE: Uh-huh I hear ya. (Continues to nod)

WILL: You're sick.

GRACE: Hey, all I'm saying is that I've borrowed some of your romance novels before and a few of them had incest material.

WILL: I am about to throw up. Get out of here!

GRACE: I will after you admit it.

WILL: Admit what? I had group intercourse with my daughter and her boyfriend?

GRACE: (Nods) Uh-huh.

WILL: Did you take a bong hit before you came here?

GRACE: You would like that too, wouldn't you? Sorry I'm not into those things. (Puts her hands up)

WILL: Thank god.

GRACE: All right I'll let you get away with it today but sooner or later you're going to crack and tell me every detail, not _because_ I am your best friend but _because_ I no longer have a sex life. (Leaves)

SCENE II: Grace Adler Designs.

KAREN: (On the phone) oh come on… tell me how everything happened! (Beat) What do you mean nothing happened? You're not that good of an actor. (Slams the phone on her desk a couple of times and listens again) If you say that one more time you can just forget about shopping this afternoon. (In an imitating-like voice) I know you need tees for spring. (Sighs and crosses her eyes)

GRACE: (Comes in)

KAREN: Ok that's it we're going to Target! (Beat) Hey, hey, complain one more time and I'll take you to Ross. (Throws her hands in the air) And the queer hung up on me. (Slams the phone down to hang up)

GRACE: Was that Jack?

KAREN: Yeah.

GRACE: I couldn't get anything out of Will either.

KAREN: You know; I don't get what's wrong. Sex only comes like every two hours for Jack and he always fills me in.

GRACE: Yeah same with Will only replace two hours with two years. I think they are keeping something from us.

KAREN: Gee you think? (Walks up to the mirror and fixes her shirt and hair)

GRACE: Maybe we just want too many things to happen, what if they are telling the truth and never slept with each other?

KAREN: You think that two gay desperate men can share the same bed and not do it?

GRACE: It's possible.

KAREN: We're talking about Jack and Will here. One never gives himself a break and the other just got out of the relationship and is more vulnerable than ever. Not to mention Jack's old little crush on Will can still reside.

GRACE: (Scoffs) you know, you're right. Shame on me for thinking two gay men caught in bed with each other didn't get it on.

IRENE: (Comes in) Hey guys I brought lunch. Will couldn't make it because he was in a board meeting but he told me your favorites. Grace, I got you a turkey and cheddar sub (takes a sandwich out) and Karen I got you a Bloody Mary super-sized (takes out a cup and sets it on Karen's desk)

KAREN: Thank you, honey. Here's a little something for all your trouble. (Takes out a baggy from her bust)

IRENE: (Looks at it) I don't do hash but I appreciate the offer. (Throws it in the trash and takes out a salad for herself and sits on another chair) (Starts eating)

GRACE: So I saw you having a little sleep over at Will's last night.

IRENE: Will told me to tell you nothing happened.

GRACE: So something _did_ happen?

IRENE: No, nothing really happen.

KAREN: What happened?

IRENE: Well we had a sleep over.

KAREN: What kind of sleep over?

IRENE: (Looks side to side) r-regular kind? We just talked until we fell asleep. It was nice. But James and I broke up after.

KAREN: Why? Too gay for you?

IRENE: Yeah but you know we've agreed to stay friends. (Nods) (Thinks) I got my first kiss from a gay man and lost my virginity with one.

KAREN: (Laughs a little) you're Grace.

GRACE: Hey!

KAREN IRENE: (Looks at her)

GRACE: Yeah ok… (Goes to the swatch room)

SCENE III: Will's Apartment

JACK: (Comes in) Hey you busy?

WILL: (Ironing) no just doing a little ironing.

JACK: You want to go catch a movie or something?

WILL: Nah I am giving my eyes a rest, I've been watching TV all day.

JACK: Oh ok, well how about go clubbing? I heard there was a nice new one that lesbians aren't allowed in.

WILL: Yeah they ruin all the fun. (Folds up the pants he was ironing) I guess I'll join you.

JACK: Really? How about dinner afterwards?

WILL: Sure, why not?

JACK: Ok!

WILL: Let me just get dressed.

JACK: Me too, meet me at my place.

WILL: Yeah. (Goes to his bedroom)

JACK: (Leaves and goes to his apartment) (Sees Irene on the couch) Ah!

IRENE: Nice to see you too.

JACK: Hi Irene, I wasn't expecting you.

IRENE: What are you up to?

JACK: (Closes the door) I think it's really happening! Will and I, I am so excited!

IRENE: Really? What are you guys doing?

JACK: We're going to go out clubbing and eat a late meal isn't that fantastic?

IRENE: You guys always do that.

JACK: Yeah I know but I just want to ease into telling him I have feelings for him, not like last time when I just spat it out and I am almost 100 sure that this time my feelings will be returned!

IRENE: That's great! (Hugs him) Ok I'm going to get out of your way and find something to do in my apartment like, sleep or something. Good luck! (Squeals) I'm so happy for you. (Kisses him on the cheek and leaves)

JACK: Bye! (Jumps up and down and runs to go get dressed)

SCENE IV: Will's Apartment.

GRACE: (Sitting eating a doughnut in her pajamas)

WILL: (Comes out smiling) Good morning.

GRACE: (Smiles) someone's in a good mood.

WILL: yeah I had a good time last night with Jack. You know when he tries; he can be a really good friend.

GRACE: Hm…..if I didn't know any better I'd think you have a little crush.

WILL: Yeah but you do know better and plus, you're just jealous because I haven't been spending much time with you.

GRACE: (Mumbles) Ok fine you want to watch Comedy Central tonight? There's a Mad TV marathon going on.

WILL: Everyday is Mad TV day on Comedy Central.

GRACE: So yes?

WILL: Cant, I'm going to a play with Jack.

GRACE: When?

WILL: Afternoon.

GRACE: Dinner?

WILL: Tea with Jack.

GRACE: (Sighs) don't say I didn't try.

SCENE II: Grace Adler Designs

SCOTT: (Enters weirdly) Ah Grace Adler, nice seeing you again.

GRACE: Scott Wolley. (Bends over a little as a handshake or hello)

SCOTT: And don't tell me Karen morphed back into her high school form (looks at Irene up and down)

GRACE: No that's Irene; she's filling in for Karen. Today's her one day a month where she bond with Rosario and an occasional hobo.

IRENE: They like making them dance for pennies and pelt them with quarters and an occasional half dollar.

SCOTT: Well tell Karen that Scott Wolley had stopped by and plan A is in action. (Exits)

IRENE: (Beat) He's weird.

GRACE: Yeah I wonder what he's going to do to Karen now. He tried to ruin her life twice and now he's trying to make her his significant other.

IRENE: (Makes a face) ew…

GRACE: I know, right? (Beat) I need to get a boyfriend. Someone like that I would still be content with. (Points out the door)

IRENE: Hey I got an idea, why don't we have a little girls' night out? Pick up some guys, have one night stands.

GRACE: You know that doesn't sound so bad. I like you legal.

IRENE: Me too!

SCENE III: Tea

WILL: The play was great.

JACK: Yeah I didn't know there was going to be dancing in it. When that guy walked at the end of the stage and put his left leg up around his head, standing on his right… (Shakes his head smiling) I was just happy we were front row center with a balls eye view.

WILL: My favorite part was when a guy messed up and fell down. Another balls eye view!

JACK: (Smiles and pours Will tea)

WILL: I'm feeling better and better everyday. I might even start (looks behind Jack and sees Vince) dating…

JACK: I was hoping you were. (Looks at Will and sees he's looking at something behind him) What are you looking at? (Turns around) Oh…

VINCE: (With another guy)

JACK: (Sits in Will's view) don't look at him. (Pats Will's hand and put a tartlet on his plate) Eat.

WILL: (Sees right through Jack and stares at Vince some more)

JACK: Will…

WILL: (Voice breaking) I got to go.

JACK: (Follows him into the bathroom)

WILL: (Almost crying) why does this always happen to me?

JACK: hey come on, buddy. (Pats his back)

WILL: No seriously? Every time I get into a relationship that goes somewhere and we do things together and everything feels right. Something happens and we break up. It happened with Michael and now Vince. I really…loved him. (Crying now) And also the other person always finds someone faster than me. It's only been three weeks, Jack. I _just_ decided to get over myself and move on and he's already…. (Cries) God…

JACK: Sh…it's ok (hugs him)

WILL: You have no idea how hard it is to…love someone so much you'd do anything to get over him because it hurts to keep the feelings you have. It hurts so much.

JACK: (Pats his back and hugs him a little tighter) I know, I know…

WILL: (Looks up) I'm not ready. (Let's go and turns his back to Jack looking in the mirror) I'm not ready to move on, not just yet. (Holds Jack's hand) Thanks for the day out again Jack; you're a real good friend. (Getting ready to leave)

JACK: No problem, I am here for you.

(They hug again and Will kisses Jack on the cheek and leaves)

SCENE IV: Club

GRACE: (At a table sitting with Irene)

IRENE: That guy at table 8 is checking you out.

GRACE: Yeah I know, but notice how he's picking his nose? That's a turn-off.

SCOTT: Hi ladies.

IRENE: Look its Scott Wolley!

SCOTT: How did you know my name?

IRENE: Uh…I met you this afternoon.

SCOTT: Sorry that doesn't ring a bell; I've never seen you in my life.

IRENE: (Gives him a look)

SCOTT: Plan A is in action! (Leaves)

KAREN: Hi kids.

IRENE: Where's Rosario?

KAREN: Oh we ended the day early because a hobo swallowed and choked on a silver dollar.

GRACE: How did you know we were going to be here?

KAREN: You guys called me, didn't you? I told you to stop taking hormone pills because you sounded like a man.

GRACE: I didn't call you.

IRENE: Me neither.

SCOTT: (On stage, singing) Karen Walker.

KAREN: (Gasps and sends him a dirty look)

SCOTT: (Singing) The cold shrew who stolen my heart, Walker.

KAREN: Huh?

SCOTT: (Gets off stage) Hi.

KAREN: Oh dear lord get away from me, I don't want people seeing us together. One, you can't sing. Two, you're ugly and three, you're tall and tried to ruin my life twice failing miserably. Miserably I tell you!

SCOTT: Oh but I've changed my motive. I now am devoting my entire life into making you my girlfriend and eventually my lover onto my wife.

KAREN: (Scoffs) in your dreams, stretch! You'll never get with me so why don't go cry about me rejecting you and return to your rich and successful life while I return to my rich drunk one. (Pushes him)

SCOTT: Rejecting a man who has big feet, interesting.

KAREN: What? Why would I care about your feet?

SCOTT: You know what they say, big feet big (whispers in her ear)

KAREN: Ew, that's disgusting. Yet intriguing…

GRACE: Karen.

KAREN: Hold onto your cheap panties, Grace. (To Scott) Shame on you, Shawn! Size doesn't matter (Gives him a seductive look)

SCOTT: It's Scott… (Raises his eyebrows)

IRENE: (Slams her palm on the table) Stop that's icky.

SCOTT: Who are you?

KAREN: She is what they call, an illusion. Just pretend she isn't there and you'll be fine.

SCOTT: Is this official?

KAREN: No! You're too weird for my taste. Like straight orange juice.

SCOTT: Oh but I am attractive.

KAREN: (Scoffs and winces) Says who? Come on Grace, any more time standing next to this guy I'm going to puke. (Leaves with Grace)

IRENE: (Follows short after)

SCOTT: You there.

IRENE: What?

SCOTT: I don't know who you are but come over here.

IRENE: (Rolls her eyes and goes over to him) yes?

SCOTT: I want to you know who you are and everything you know about Miss Karen Walker.

IRENE: I seriously don't know any more than you do.

SCOTT: Come with me.

SCENE V: Will's Apartment.

WILL: (Sleeping)

GRACE: (Peeking in his bedroom) (Whispering) Will… (Enters) Will, are you asleep? (Crawls into his bed and cuddles with him)

WILL: (Wakes up) Jack? (Turns around) Oh.

GRACE: (Whispering still) why are you sleeping so early?

WILL: I cried myself to sleep. (Turns, facing her)

GRACE: (Frowns and cuddles with him more) I hate seeing you like this.

WILL: I hate being like this.

GRACE: What happened? You were…so happy.

WILL: I saw Vince with his new boyfriend when I was out with Jack and you were right, Grace. I should spend the next 14 years sulking.

GRACE: You know I didn't mean that. I want you to be happy.

WILL: Everyone wants me to be…

GRACE: (Nods)

WILL: So why cant I be?

GRACE: You just have to get over it. I mean…I know it'll be hard but maybe we can go through it together. Every time _I_ see Leo I go ten steps back from being happy. But you got to try. It's a small world and you'll find Vince everywhere doing everyday things but you have to remember there are two people in a relationship, and the chances are, he's going through the same thing you are. Chances are he saw you at the tea place and feeling awkward. But you know what? He has more pressure on himself because he's in another relationship while you can deal with it the right way. Being single isn't so bad and you're not going to progress until you realize that.

WILL: I do realize that…just-

GRACE: Just be patient. Sit and wait for Mr. Right to come to you. The more you look the more time it's going to take because you're trying too hard to find him. He might be just under your nose. (Softly flicks his nose)

WILL: (Smiles and the smile fades away) I wish it was as easy as it sounds.

GRACE: It could if you believe it can be that easy. (Hugs him) Goodnight. (Gets out of bed)

(Shows Will…)

SCENE VI: Jack's Apartment

JACK: (In his bed too, hair wet)

KAREN: (Comes in) Hi honey.

JACK: (Sits up a little excited) Hi Kare!

KAREN: Did you stick your head in the toilet?

JACK: No I was too lazy to dry my hair.

KAREN: (Gasps)

JACK: I know. (Pats his bed) What brings you here?

KAREN: (Sits at the edge of the bed) because I love and care about you, sweetie. What's going on? You haven't been yourself. Every time I make a joke about recreational drugs you no longer laugh.

JACK: I'm sorry just a lot of things been going through my mind.

KAREN: Why? You're not the one going through the break up.

JACK: But my best friend is. It's like, ok say that I got a bad hair cut, what will you be like?

KAREN: Oh honey I'll be devastated and try to get gardener to get his hedge clippers and fix it.

JACK: Exactly! That's the same with Will.

KAREN: Ok poodle I understand. (Stroke his arm) You're a really good friend and anyone will be lucky just to know your name.

JACK: Thanks. (Smiles)

KAREN: Don't try to take everything out on yourself though, ok? I mean yeah I get that you're worried but don't be too hard on yourself that you don't have to power to cheer Will up. Will just cant be cheered up at this moment. Give it time.

JACK: Thanks for being so understanding.

KAREN: Yeah I know I joke a lot about hating Will and such but he's my lawyer and seeing how he affects my best friend I cant help but care too. You want to go last minute shopping? Buy yourself a little happy.

JACK: No I think I am just going to (sighs) sleep on this and hope for the best tomorrow morning.

KAREN: Ok no problem. (Leans on Jack's bedroom doorway) Feel better, Jackie. (Smiles and leaves)

SCENE VII: Irene's Apartment

SCOTT: You don't look like him.

IRENE: My nose, my hair. I also have a mole on my cheek like him.

SCOTT: Oh now I see it. Well I appreciate everything you have told me and I am going to woo her like a dog woos his (beat) something. I'll see you soon. Here comes plan B!

END


	14. The Brighter Side, The Greener Side

SCENE I: Will's Apartment

GRACE: (Pokes her head in Will's bedroom with a bed desk in hand) Will…

WILL: (Wakes up and slowly sits up) Hey sweetie.

GRACE: (Enters and kisses him on the cheek while putting the desk before him) I made you breakfast.

WILL: In that case I'm afraid to eat it. (Picks up a bottle full of pills) What's this?

GRACE: Anti-depressant. I stole it from Karen.

WILL: Gracie, you know I don't take pills.

GRACE: Now, now, give it a shot. Just don't become hooked on them or anything.

WILL: Fine….one. (Puts a tablet in his mouth and looks at Grace)

GRACE: (Smiling)

WILL: (Drinks his orange juice)

GRACE: I lied, that was a tic-tac but now I know how desperate you are to being happy.

WILL: No, I actually knew it was a tic-tac considering the fact when I popped open the bottle, I smelt spearmint. Thanks for the breakfast though.

GRACE: Actually that's TV dinner, I threw away the plastic tray and put the stuff on a real one just so it'll look nice because nothing's too good for my gay man.

WILL: Soup?

GRACE: Campbell's soup at hand. Just microwave 30 seconds and you're on your way to go!

WILL: Thanks.

GRACE: You're welcome if you need anything just call, ok?

WILL: (Nods)

GRACE: (Closes the door)

SCENE II: Penthouse

KAREN: (walking downstairs) I'm coming!

(Maids run away)

ROSARIO: (Setting presents on the table)

KAREN: Good Morning Rosie. Are those for me?

ROSARIO: These aren't from me; a delivery man sent them over. All the cards have different letters on them and tell you to scramble them into a name.

KAREN: What are the letters?

ROSARIO: Uh one C, S, and O and two T's. (Holds up a notepad with the letters written big)

KAREN: (Reads it) I don't know anyone by the name of C.S Ott!

ROSARIO: (Flips the pad over with "SCOTT" on it) I took the liberty of unscrambling the letters for you.

KAREN: Hmm…ok. Rosario, I need you to do me a favor and light the fireplace.

ROSARIO: Why?

KAREN: (Mean) because these gifts are from hell and I want to return them to the big red. Come on. (Snaps)

ROSARIO: (Making her way)

KAREN: (Nice tone) oh and is my coffee ready?

ROSARIO: Yes mommy.

KAREN: Thank you dearest. (Mean again) Now go make that fire cave man!

ROSARIO: (Leaves)

KAREN: (Looks at the presents) well I guess opening _one_ won't hurt. (Opens one and it's a box full of chocolates) You bastard! (Shrugs and opens the lid) Toffee? I hate toffee! (Bites one in half) Huh. He took out the inside and filled it with rum. (Uses the half like a small shot and drinks the filling, throwing away the chocolate half and eats another one) Vodka it even has an olive in the center… I like this box of assorted chocolates.

ROSARIO: (Comes back) Ok the fire is ready.

KAREN: Change of plans, I'm going to go through all of this stuff first, seems like there are a couple of things containing liquor and I don't want to blow up this place.

ROSARIO: Really?

KAREN: Nah, I can't fool you! I just want to get drunk. (Beat) I'll get back to you at noon ok? Meanwhile you can search for that roasted turkey you claim "ran away" and put it back in the fridge.

ROSARIO: I'll look for it at the market. (Lowers her head, heading out)

KAREN: Atta hermaphrodite. (Goes upstairs)

SCENE III: Irene's Apartment

GRACE: (Comes in) Irene? Will wants his facial kit back. (Sees a note)

IRENE: (Voice) dear Will, Grace, Karen, or Jack, if you are reading this, I am at school. I'll be back around 5 o'clock. Call my cell if it's important.

GRACE: (Takes her phone and starts dialing, listens) Hello Irene? Are you in the middle of class? (Beat) Ok good, listen, Will's in the mood for a facial so where's the little kit you took from him? Oh ok. (Hangs up and looks for it) (Sees it under her coffee table and takes it, her actions cause a little wind making another letter fall) (Picks it up and reads it)

MAN: (Voice) Irene, you haven't replied my last letter. Are you going to move back here or not? You know, if you're only in New York just to stay close to your father, that's not a good enough reason. You have to have more reasons than family. You're missing a big opportunity here! This is your second chance in a once in a life-time offer. Don't make me send out the last.

GRACE: (Panics and looks for another letter)

IRENE: (Voice) Dear…

GRACE: Is she going or not? Where is she going? What? Huh? Who is this guy? Doesn't he have a family or life of his own? And who am I talking to? Doesn't matter, I'm not going to over react. (Steals the letter and runs out) Will!

SCENE IV: Jack's Apartment

KAREN: Thanks for letting me come over, honey. I just had to get out of the penthouse. That Scotty Wool wont stop sending over gifts. He knows how alcohol is my weakness.

JACK: (Thinks) Isnt his name Scott Wolley?

KAREN: (Scoffs) what makes you think I care? He gives me be heebes geebes and what's worse he has 40 foot South Pole. (Looks up) What a waste, Lord.

JACK: I don't see how your arch nemesis became your Romeo.

KAREN: How dare you call him my Romeo? He's my Prince Humperdink.

JACK: (Laughs really hard) Humperdink.

KAREN: You're one to talk. How are you and Will?

JACK: I havent talked to him today. I decided not to smother in with care too much and let Grace take care of him for a couple of days before stepping in again.

KAREN: You know that's a smart idea. Honey, have you been drinking red bull?

JACK: Yes and taking advice from Irene.

KAREN: (Amazed) Wow.

SCENE IV: Will's Apartment

IRENE: (Comes in) Hi Grace

GRACE: (Looking in the fridge) Hey!

IRENE: How's Will doing? I brought him soup, bon-bons, and a chick flick to make him feel better. (Smiles)

GRACE: He's taking a long bath. I would have gone with him but then if someone walked in on us it would be awkward.

IRENE: Won't just being naked with him be awkward enough?

GRACE: No we've been naked together many times.

IRENE: (Confused)

GRACE: I got to talk to you about something.

IRENE: Yes?

GRACE: Who's this? (Shows her the letter)

IRENE: Where did you get this from?

GRACE: Your apartment….who is this guy and what is he talking about?

IRENE: Oh it's nothing.

GRACE: No really.

IRENE: It's my foster mom she wants me back. But I'm not going.

GRACE: Why not?

IRENE: Because she isn't really family so why should I care?

GRACE: This woman took you under her wing and raised you for like 16 years.

IRENE: Yeah I know but I got Will now, I don't need her.

GRACE: Ok. (Puts the letter down)

IRENE: I am thinking about it. (Beat) not going back to Joanne but to move back to Kansas. But I keep hopping places and I don't really know what's home anymore. California, New York, Kansas….. (Shakes her head) getting confusing. I just want to stay put in one place and I think this is the place.

GRACE: Then don't go.

IRENE: It's hard though, I miss the place I was raised.

GRACE: You can always visit there.

IRENE: Yeah. I hope that this can be kept between just you and me.

GRACE: (Mumbles, "And Will")

IRENE: What?

GRACE: Don't worry I already told him you're not going.

IRENE: How do you know I wasn't going to?

GRACE: You love him too much and plus, having his boyfriend just leaving him…

IRENE: Yeah… ok well I'm going to give him the soup right now. He can keep it warm by dipping the bowl in the water. That's what I do. (Smiles)

GRACE: God, you're so Will.

IRENE: Yeah ok (goes into the bathroom)

WILL: (In tub listening to classical music, sleeping)

IRENE: Will.

WILL: (Opens his eyes and sits up a little)

IRENE: How are you feeling?

WILL: A lot better… a little bored, but doing much better. Tonight I've scheduled to cut Vince's head out of all the pictures.

IRENE: Aw, that's nice to hear. I brought you soup! I know you're not sick or anything but that's what I tend to eat a lot when I get through break ups.

WILL: You've only had 3 boyfriends.

IRENE: 3 _serious_ boyfriends.

WILL: I wouldn't call James serious.

IRENE: All I'm saying I ate 5 cans of clam chowder that day. (Gives him the bowl) You know what I like to do?

WILL: Keep the bowl in water to keep warm?

IRENE: (Gapes) Yeah!

WILL: Me too! Isn't that just smart?

IRENE: Yeah and also water in the tub cools down and you can heat it up with that bowl. (Gives him her amazed look)

WILL: Thanks I really appreciate it. Want to join me? We can talk!

IRENE: Oh…I don't know…you're…naked.

WILL: No I'm not I'm wearing swim trunks! (Stands up and shows her)

IRENE: That'll make me naked.

WILL: It doesn't matter you're my daughter and I'm gay! Grace and I do it all the time, not only that she let me do her bikini wax once. (Beat) She won't let me do it ever again though because some of the wax got caught on her private part…

IRENE: Ouch.

WILL: yeah and for pay back she waxed my (beat) chest hairs (looks like he's going to cry)

IRENE: (Covers her mouth) I'll go get my bathing suit. (Leaves)

SCENE V: Hallway

IRENE: (Leaving Will's Apartment)

JACK: (Comes out of his apartment) Irene!

IRENE: What?

JACK: What are you doing?

IRENE: I'm going to take a bath with my dad.

JACK: (Give her his grossed-out look) what?

IRENE: Oh it doesn't sound as bad as it (beat) does. You can join us!

JACK: I'll wear my Speedo!

SCENE VI: Will's Bathroom

(Everyone is in Will's tub)

WILL: (Looks up, thinking) this reminds me of the 70s.

JACK: (Laughs) because you're in your 70s.

GRACE: (To Karen) who invited you?

KAREN: No body I just saw everyone naked in the tub and I supposed we were all going to get it on afterwards.

GRACE: (Looks up) Ok, whose hand is on my thigh?

IRENE: Oh sorry I thought you were Will. You need to shave.

KAREN: Am I the only one naked in this tub? I just touched Grace's boob and it fell off. (Pulls her hand out of the water and shows a bikini top)

GRACE: (Looks down) Hey! (Takes the top back and puts it on)

JACK: I hope you'll be up and licking by tomorrow.

EVERYONE: (Looks confused)

WILL: I believe I will.

EVERYONE: (Takes out their wine glass)

GRACE: To Will for his fastest recovery from a serious breakup ever.

EVERYONE: (Clink glasses and takes a sip)

WILL: Irene, what are you drinking?

IRENE: Sprite, last time Jack gave me a sip of alcohol (beat) I now have my own clip in "Girls Gone Wild" (Lowers her head)

END


	15. The Last Step to Redemption

SCENE I: Will's Apartment

WILL: (Comes out with a box)

GRACE: Hey! Wow, I haven't seen you up and around I was afraid I had to teach you how to walk.

WILL: (Laughs a little)

GRACE: What's in the box?

WILL: Vince had a drawer and I'm meeting him an hour before lunch just to drop it off.

GRACE: Are you sure you can handle it?

WILL: Yeah…..these things mean nothing to me now. (Takes things out) his emergency wallet, his hair gel, box of chocolate colored contacts…..

GRACE: Vince has an emergency wallet? What's in it? An extra hundred bucks and an anytime-subway ticket?

WILL: I don't know (puts down the box and looks in it) Wow you are good (takes the two things out and shows Grace)

GRACE: I miss you single, you seem much more fun and like me more.

WILL: That's funny, when you're single you're much needier and you hate me more.

GRACE: (Hits him) Shut up!

WILL: (Runs a little away and looks at her, rubbing his chest) Ow…..

GRACE: (Looks up thinking) that reminds me, I need you to wash my bed spread and buy me jellybeans.

WILL: What made you think of that? The hitting or the box?

GRACE: Box, see? (Takes out a packet of Jelly Bellies from the Vince box)

IRENE: (Comes in with Jack) Guess who we picked up from the airport.

WILL: Picked up or kidnapped?

JACK: A little of both.

IRENE: (Softly hits him) no picked up.

JACK: (Scoffs) he's never going to get it, we might as well tell him.

IRENE: My cousin!

WILL: (Confused) you don't have a cousin.

JACK: Not from your side, silly! You can only make your own baby if you're a hermaphrodite. (To Irene) I have a hermaphrodite friend who did it and made a clone of him-herself only with tons of deformity. Luckily he-she's rich and fixed _it._

WILL: Anyways….

JACK: Oh yeah, so it's Diane's sister's son! (Opens the door and there's a guy on the other side) JUDE!

GRACE: There's something wrong with this picture, he's half Asian.

JACK: (Leading Jude inside) so is half his fathers.

WILL GRACE: (Really confused)

JUDE: Nice to meet you Uncle Will.

WILL: (Sighs, whining) Now I'm an uncle?

GRACE: _I'm _not even an uncle! My sisters are losers!

IRENE: Be nice, I've met him before but I was like 8. He's grown a lot!

WILL: Maybe that's because you haven't seen him for more than 10 years.

IRENE: Yeah that might be it.

JACK: Anyways we plus Karen are going to show him around the city because he comes from a small town in Texas.

WILL: Is everyone on the other half a hick?

JACK: Diane isn't a hick, she's a chick!

IRENE: Me too, me too! (Jumps)

JACK: Yeah you are, kiss me. (Bends over)

BOTH: (Stick their tongues out and does the shimmy)

GRACE: (Closing her eyes) Make it go away, Will.

JUDE: I feel awkward.

KAREN: (Popping out of the kitchen) and you should be, everything that has happened so far, hasn't made any sense.

WILL: Where did you come from?

KAREN: (Points at the door behind the kitchen) Stairs.

SCENE II: Park

JACK: Would it be inappropriate if I said I was oddly drawn to your cousin?

KAREN: Honey, _I'm_ oddly drawn to him too.

(Shows Jude on camera)

KAREN: His shorts are enormously tight and high.

JACK: We need to take him out shopping because that is just wrong, he has a nice ass but he's using it the wrong way.

IRENE: You guys, he's my cousin, stop mentioning his ass. Who cares if it's nice and intriguing? (Tilts her head a little and snaps out of it) Ew he's so hot. I mean NOT HOT! (Winces and hides her face in her hands) Ok yeah shopping is a good idea.

SCENE III: Luncheon

WILL: (Sitting across Vince) thanks for meeting up with me for lunch. I-I just wanted to give you your stuff back.

VINCE: Yeah thanks, I realized I had some of your stuff too. (Takes out a box of his own) most of it is porn, but I supposed that you wanted to return them to the movie rental yourself and double check that I rewound the tape "correctly".

WILL: (Switch boxes and sighs) so it's official.

VINCE: Yeah. (Beat) you look good.

WILL: So do you. (Smirks) Who's this guy you've been dating.

VINCE: I havent been dating anyone. I havent even decided to date again yet.

WILL: Wow, really? I saw you at that tea place-

VINCE: Yeah I know, I saw you. The guy I was with used to work as an officer too, he also got fired for trying on gloves. H-he was just giving me advice on how to get over it all and find a new job.

WILL: Oh.

VINCE: Truth is, I didn't get out of bed until today.

WILL: Same.

VINCE: It's kind of refreshing seeing your face again. (Touches his hand)

WILL: (Takes his hand back and nods)

VINCE: I still cant believe-

WILL: Yeah…..but it's over.

VINCE: (Head lowers and sighs) I-I guess I'll see ya.

WILL: (Nods again and leaves)

SCENE IV: Will's Apartment

GRACE: Give me a hug! (Hugs Will) I am so proud of you, that is so not you but I forgot where I was going with this but I am _so proud _of you!

WILL: Thanks, it hurt a lot but (sighs) I think I got closure.

JACK: Ladies and Gay-lies! Presenting Jude (Coughs and gags).

JUDE: (Enters with Irene) For the last time my last name is Sing. How hard can that be?

JACK: Sorry I don't speak Chinglish.

GRACE: Irene, where's Jude?

IRENE: This is him (points)

WILL: That's impossible, last time we saw him he was average looking, leaning on the ugly side.

JACK: We sensed his potential sexiness and turned this don't into is do, do, do! (Gasps and realizes something) I'm so Queer eye material! Finally I have a reason to stalk Jai!

KAREN: Don't forget me; I was the one that put the needle into his lips. Making them huge and kissable… (Laughs and acts all smitten) One time I used it on my boobs. It works….

IRENE: Come on it's late; you're crashing at my place.

JACK: Yay.

IRENE: Not you, Jude!

JACK: Ugh that's rude.

KAREN: Hey that rhymes (beat) Dude. (Giggles)

JACK: (Enters and sits next to Will) Hey sexy you looking hot. Ouch got bags under your eyes though, but that's ok I got a cream for it. (Takes out a tube from his pants)

WILL: Thanks…. (Takes it)

KAREN: Will, I saw you with your former lover at the luncheon. You two back together?

GRACE: Uh Karen? Remember our talk about asking questions with obvious answers?

KAREN: So you are! Honey, I'm so happy for you.

GRACE: No they didn't.

KAREN: Oh well in that case, I owe you a dry hump. Ah strike that, I'll just a sleep with you. I'll just run home and get my strap on and you put on a condom. (Leaves)

WILL: Ah better get ready. (Goes to his bedroom)

JACK: So what did you do today?

GRACE: I worked. I had this client who was on a budget and I almost had to do everything by hand, at the end of the day I was so high I thought Carson Daily was a chicken and when I realized that he wasn't-

JACK: Ok Grace I don't really care, I was hoping you'd give me a 5-worded answer and ask me about my day. (Beat) Hint: ask me about my day!

GRACE: What did you do today?

JACK: I made my 4th ugly person, pretty and I long to do what Karen is doing.

GRACE: Have…two…thingys?

JACK: (Scoff) I wish!

GRACE: You still like Will?

JACK: Yeah but I'm playing it safe, I know he's going through a lot but man! I really want to get with that hairy olive!

GRACE: I know what you mean, one time Karen mistaken Will's finger as an olive and put it in her drink. She then tried to eat it but-

JACK: Ok again, don't care!

SCENE V: Irene's Apartment

IRENE: (Knocking on a door) Jude, hurry up, I need to shower too.

JUDE: (Other side of the door) Give me a second.

IRENE: (Sits on the couch reading a magazine)

JUDE: (Comes out in a towel, drying his hair with another one) Iry, do you have a blow dryer.

IRENE: Yeah it's just- (turns around and gapes, dropping her magazine and start saying random words) I…fit…towel…Bally Total Fitness…

JACK: Irene we need to have a girl talk. (Sees Jude) Hello (looks at him up and down)

JUDE: (Puts on his glasses) Are you guys ok?

IRENE JACK: Oh yeah.

SCENE VI: Hallway.

JACK: No make him appear again, mommy.

IRENE: Jack, what am I going to do? He's my cousin, he's my cousin, oh this is so gross, it's just like the Brady Bunch movie where Greg and Marcia are just (makes a lot a noises with her throat and gestures)

JACK: If that means, you're not making a move, then can I have him?

IRENE: He's not gay!

JACK: He sure dresses like a queer.

IRENE: That's because you dressed him! I cant have him over Jack, I'm going to have to share a bed with him, I only got one bed. You know what that means?

JACK: He's going to sleep over at my place?

IRENE: No! He's got to sleep over at Karen's. Besides, she's not going to be home, she's going to have sex with Will, right?

JACK: Yeah…. YEAH!

BOTH: (Goes back in Irene's apartment)

JUDE: (In his boxers) hey what's up?

JACK: (In a whimpy voice) Can I sleep over?

SCENE VII: Bedroom.

IRENE JUDE: (Sleeping opposite sides)

IRENE: (Voice, thinking) He's your cousin, he's your cousin, he's your cousin.

JUDE: Irene, are you awake?

IRENE: Yeah.

JUDE: How old are you now?

IRENE: 21, why'd you ask?

JUDE: I just totally forgot our age difference.

IRENE: You're 31 now right?

JUDE: Yeah. Remember when you were 8 I took you to the zoo on my motorcycle and you fell asleep while watching the monkeys groom each other and I rode back to my house, put you in my bedroom to have a good nap.

IRENE: No.

JUDE: Of course, you were asleep.

IRENE: (Laughs) Remember back when I first met your girlfriend and I got so jealous because she was so pretty.

JUDE: (Laughs) Yeah, if I didn't know any better I'd thought you have a crush on me.

IRENE: I didn't know any better then. (Turns around to face Jude) Whatever happened with that girl?

JUDE: We broke up. (Turns around and faces Irene) Whatever happened with our friendship, huh? I remembered we had much more fun than this.

IRENE: We're grown up. I was still and immature kid when you last saw me, I was fun then but now I'm too serious.

JUDE: Can I ask you a question?

IRENE: Sure.

JUDE: Does Jack have a crush on me?

IRENE: (Laughs) He does have a little one.

JUDE: I almost thought this wasn't going to work, when I first saw you I thought, "Wow she has a nice body" then I met Karen.

IRENE: (Laughs)

JUDE: I know that's disturbing because we're family.

IRENE: It's ok, I was the same but ew, you're my cousin.

JUDE: Yeah gross….

IRENE: (Beat) You can sleep with Jack though! (All happy)

JUDE: Really?

IRENE: Yeah and Karen too! Although not today because she's busy sleeping with my dad today.

JUDE: Hah, ok I'll take her up on that offer.

END


	16. The Hook Up

SCENE I: Hallway.

JACK: (Sitting at café Jacque's)

KAREN: (Comes off the elevator) hey poodle, I came as soon as you called.

JACK: I called you a half an hour ago.

KAREN: (Squealing) well it's not my fault that driver slowed down at a school zone and nicked a fourth grader's knee. His mother kept yelling and spitting at me all I could say was, "Hey thanks for the shower, I already took one this morning!" (Beat) So what can I do you for? (Sits down)

JACK: I need to find a way to come out.

KAREN: (Sighs and sits back) Oh boy, isn't this your 4th time with this problem? Why cant you just march up to the person and give him/her your card that says, "guess what?" on one side and "I'M GAY" on the other.

JACK: Not that kind of come out. I've finally decided to tell Will I have feelings for him.

KAREN: (Gasps) Really? Honey I'm so proud of you! This is the smartest thing you've done since you decided to stop putting gel in your hair.

JACK: (Beat) I'm wearing gel now.

KAREN: Oh sorry poodle, I meant smartest thing _until_ you decide to stop putting gel in your hair.

JACK: (Looks up and nods)

KAREN: I'm with you every step of the way. (Slaps him on the knee) Now let's go!

JACK: Karen! Not now! It's tradition that you tell someone you love them in the PM. Not in the AM because he can be all mad at you all day while in the PM he can sleep on it.

KAREN: Oh you're right. We can also slip him one of my knock-out pills so he can _REALLY_ sleep on it. (Smiles)

SCENE II: Will's Apartment

WILL: (Sitting at the dining table)

GRACE: (Eating a doughnut) What are you thinking about?

WILL: (Sighs) nothing. Just this whole Vince thing.

GRACE: I thought you were over it.

WILL: I _am_ over it but… you know who has been there for me every step of the way?

GRACE: Me.

WILL: That's male…

GRACE: Me.

WILL: (Looks at her)

GRACE: You said I peed standing up once.

WILL: Because you did, I had to clean up the mess afterwards and gave you a 2 hour lecture on how you shouldn't ever try that again!

GRACE: (Retarded voice) Well sorry!

WILL: I've been thinking about Jack lately and he's just so… understanding. Oh my god, did I just say that?

GRACE: You did, it's the sign of the apocalypse!

WILL: Ever since this catastrophe he's been supportive, nice, and selfless….

GRACE: (Sing-Song) you like him.

WILL: Please.

GRACE: Hey it's possible, you slept with him accidentally 2 times.

WILL: Not accidentally, we were drunk.

GRACE: And remember how you freaked out about Karen's boat thing?

WILL: We didn't sleep with each other that time we just cuddled naked. (In a manly voice) man-cuddling!

GRACE: You are so gay.

WILL: Jack's my best friend. Nothing more.

GRACE: Look he's had a crush on you before, how do you know he doesn't have one now. Now that you're single…

WILL: Oh be quiet.

GRACE: You don't want to listen because you know it could happen. (Sing-song) La-di-da-di-da-di-da….

WILL: Stop!

GRACE: Fine…. (Mumbles) Jack-lover.

WILL: Hey!

GRACE: (Mumbles) Will loves Jack.

WILL: Quit it or else I'm not doing your laundry for a week.

GRACE: But I'm on my last pair of clean underwear! (Calms down) Fine you win.

SCENE III: Hallway

IRENE: (Comes out of her apartment)

JACK: Hey Irene I need to talk to you.

IRENE: I cant Jack, I'm late for school.

JACK: No, no, but it's really important.

IRENE: Sorry, I really cant, I'm almost an hour late.

JACK: (Sad) Ok.

IRENE: Are you sure it cant wait?

JACK: Yeah it's ok I'll see you when you get back.

IRENE: Thanks. (Gets the elevator) nice to see you smiling again.

JACK: (Smirks)

IRENE: (Leaves)

SCENE IV: Will's Apartment

GRACE: (Coming out of her bedroom, yawning)

WILL: (Setting the table) how was your afternoon nap?

GRACE: I wasn't _napping_ (beat) I was meditating…..

WILL: I heard you snoring.

GRACE: (Scoffs) I think you've mistaken that as my chant. (Beat) (Watches Will set the table) Who's coming over?

WILL: Jack, he's coming over for a little meal before lunch and dinner. You know what I find weird is that we have a name for a meal between breakfast and lunch. Brunch, but we don't have one between lunch and dinner.

GRACE: Maybe we should make one up and add it in our small booklet of secret code.

WILL: Yeah next to the words kanatawala meaning the Old Testament. (Puts candles on the table)

GRACE: Candles? For a Lunner with Jack?

WILL: Ew, is that what we're going to call it? I was hoping for along the lines of Dich (spits out the "ch" as if it was a Jewish word)

GRACE: You hope a lot of things along the lines of "Dich" (Makes it sound like Dick) Don't change the subject.

WILL: well I've had these candles for like years it's about time I start…wasting them. Also it wouldn't hurt to have the apartment smell vanilla-y.

GRACE: Because Vince smells like vanilla?

WILL: No! I am over him! (Goes to the kitchen and starts putting food on the table) Don't you have something better to do like put a Q-tip in your ear and fish out a dime?

GRACE: You just want me to go away so you and your _lover_ can have a little Dich! (Turns around and leaves)

SCENE V: Jack's Apartment

JACK: (In a suit) how's this?

KAREN: (Sitting on the counter) You're telling someone you love them, not coming out as straight.

JACK: Yeah you're right, this is Will's anyways. (Goes to his bedroom and change) (Off screen) I wonder what he'll be making.

KAREN: (Takes a sip of her drink) I don't know, supposing since both of you are gay… (Beat) sperm?

JACK: (Comes out) This?

KAREN: Honey, I don't get what you're getting all worked out about. It's an everyday after-lunch-before-dinner meal…. And that's too straight even for my taste.

JACK: (Goes back in his room) (Off screen) I know it's going to be like just any other day, but what if it's not going to turn out that way? This might be the day our lives change and actually go somewhere.

KAREN: You're really serious about this aren't you?

JACK: Yeah, where have you been!

KAREN: Oh I'm sorry, poodle, I'm being insensitive. What I am trying to say is…..I don't see how you two can work out. You're stupid and he's Einstein. He's getting hotter while you're getting fatter. He's getting nicer as you become more and more bitchy….. (Shrugs and looks up thinking) (rolls her eyes) not a match made in heaven if you ask me.

JACK: Ok get out, now.

KAREN: (Laughs) oh that's funny.

JACK: I mean it, if you're not going to take me seriously, then you are wasting my time. Out!

KAREN: Fine! (Hops off the counter and runs out the door)

SCENE VI: Irene's Apartment

IRENE: (On her couch)

KAREN: (Sits with her) I mean isn't that mean? Not that I care because I don't need to reassure myself that I am more evil. Just…how _dare_ Jack insult a rich sexy person?

IRENE: (Beat) (Confused) why are you here? (Beat) Don't you hate me or something?

KAREN: Honey stay in tune I hate it when you make everything about you.

IRENE: (Sighs) Karen, you're nature is being insensitive.

KAREN: (Looks touched by Irene's comment)

IRENE: But this is one of those things you have to be…..sensitive about. (Nods) Everyone is benefiting from this. Grace gets a new mo as her husband.

KAREN: (Nods in agreement)

IRENE: I get two daddies.

KAREN: (Nods again) every girls' dream.

IRENE: And you get a new friend.

KAREN: (Gasps) honey you're right. The only thing Will and I ever bond over with was a book of pharmaceuticals! Now we can bond over gay sex! (Laughs) It's brilliant.

IRENE: See? (Smiles) Ok now get out, what you just said was gross and put bad chi in my apartment. (Hits Karen's butt as she walks out the door)

KAREN: (Pinches the side of Irene's scalp) Hmm, you're smart. This is where your cheek would be if you were tall.

SCENE VII: Will's Apartment

(Will and Jack are done eating)

JACK: Well that was some nice Dich.

WILL: (Laughs) glad you liked it, maybe next time we'll have some over at your place.

JACK: Yeah I'm down with that. (Beat) Listen I got something to tell you. (Holds Will's hand)

WILL: Me too. (Smiles and puts his other hand on Jack's) oh but you first.

JACK: No that's ok, you can go.

WILL: (Laughs) Ok together 1…..2…..3…..

BOTH: I have feelings for you….. oh my god me too!

JACK: (All giddy and smiling)

BOTH: (Long pause)

JACK: (Talking through his smile) now what?

WILL: (Doing the same) I don't know I guess that's it.

JACK: Hm…..this is awkward. Too late for a date and too early to go to the bedroom…..

WILL: Whoa I'm not at that stage yet.

JACK: Me either, you still look like a giant furry green grape to me.

WILL: And you still look like glue mixed with cream cheese to me.

JACK: I miss insulting you.

WILL: Me too. Oh don't tell Grace that I told you that I had feelings for you because she had a hunch, I just threw her off track because she gets cocky and starts hitting….a lot.

JACK: (Smiling again and nodding) (Talking through his teeth) seriously, what now?

WILL: Gay kiss.

JACK: Yay!

BOTH (Kiss and pull away) Hmm…..

JACK: Well wasn't that just yummy. (Laughs and then stops)

WILL: I didn't think it would be this weird after I told you.

JACK: Oh this isn't weird for me, yeah, now I have a reason to stock up on condoms again. Let me ask you, do you like strawberry or natural flavored.

WILL: They make flavors now?

JACK: Heck yes my friend Roy just eat them like fruit roll ups.

BOTH: (Laugh awkwardly)

JACK: Well thanks for this I should really get back to my place and get ready to come back here for dinner. (Smiles)

WILL: Yeah I better wash these dishes and set them out again on time.

JACK: Ok (Walks to the door, hand on the knob and looks back)

WILL: (Picks up some dishes and looks at him)

JACK: See ya.

WILL: (Nods and smirks)

SCENE VIII: Jack's Apartment

JACK: (Enters and starts dancing)

KAREN: (Pops out of his bedroom) Hey honey.

JACK: (Stops) What I wasn't dancing.

KAREN: Yeah from what that looked like you were having a seizure. Grace told me you and Will shared Dich. How was that like?

JACK: It was fantastic! Its official now can you believe it? I cant believe it.

KAREN: (Looks up confused) don't you usually hook up before agreeing to have a little dich?

JACK: Get that filthy little word out of your filthy little mind and give me your filthy big ass so I can slap it and pretend its Will's.

KAREN: (Bends over)

JACK: (Spanks it twice and sighs) Glad I got that out of me.

KAREN: Anytime.

SCENE IX: Will's Apartment

WILL: (Listening to music, cleaning, and dancing)

GRACE: (Comes in) Hey Will.

WILL: (Stops, hides his feather duster, and sits on the couch listening to music) I wasn't joy cleaning.

GRACE: Huh, I think you were. What happened? Last time you joy danced it was only because Drew Barrymore answered your fan letter.

WILL: Ok I got some big news for you.

GRACE: Am I going to like it?

WILL: You are going to love it.

GRACE: What is it?

WILL: Can I tie your hands behind your back with this rope first?

GRACE: Oh my god is there a rapist here?

WILL: (Winces) No! Just come on. (Turns Grace around and ties her hands together and turns her facing him again) you ready?

GRACE: (Thinking this is ridiculous) yes.

WILL: Jack and I are an item!

GRACE: (Starts screaming and tries to hit him)

WILL: (Flinches)

GRACE: If this rope wasn't restraining me I would SO hit you!

WILL: That's what there for.

GRACE: Untie me you big goof.

WILL: (Unties her)

GRACE: (Pushes him at the chest and starts screaming again) I cant believe this, I really cant. (Hugs him) This is the best thing that's ever happened ever since Drew Barrymore answered our fan letter!

WILL: I know! Although…..

GRACE: Way to kill the mood.

WILL: Sorry it's just that, now that things are happening between Jack and me….. I found out that ever since he and I met each other we always had this secret thing going on between us.

GRACE: Chemistry?

WILL: Yeah and it's like

GRACE: You were destined to be together?

WILL: Yeah but now that it's happened.

GRACE: You don't know what to do.

WILL: (Beat) (Smiles)

GRACE: Let me tell you a little story. (Hugs him) I was in college and I met this scrappy young man who had long wavy hair. Dark and handsome…..and his name was William Truman.

WILL: (Smiles)

GRACE: It was love at first sight and even though things didn't work out we were destined to be together as best friends forever and ever.

WILL: So sweet.

GRACE: (Kisses his cheek) you and Jack are the same thing just friends first then partners. Of course it'll be awkward but you know what to do sooner or later. I've always had a hunch one day you two would hook up. (Lets go of him) Ok you need to make dinner for all of us buddy. You're not only a full time gay man, you're also a mom. (Goes to her bedroom)

WILL: (Smiles and gets started)

SCENE X: Dinner

(Everyone is sitting at the table, eating)

KAREN: Finally these two hooked up. I was just giving up hope on grandkids.

GRACE: (Beat) Me too.

WILL: It's not a big deal you guys it was a mutual decision. Everyone was waiting for it to happen sooner or later and it happened. (Smiles and then it fades away) Great, now taking care of Jack's going to be a full time job and eat most of my time watching the cooking channel away. (Looks at Jack) Whatever it's worth it.

JACK: (Smiles) Should we have a date?

KAREN: No silly! You've been committed a little under 20 years just hop into the sack and make a video. (Takes a camera out of her purse) I took a cinematography class Ron Howard was doing. (Beat) On the streets (Laughs a little) he's not cute anymore. Yesterday he taught me how to put music on it and gave me a CD of porn's greatest hits.

IRENE: (Bummed)

GRACE: Why do you look so sad?

IRENE: I cant make out with Jack anymore.

JACK: Well sure you can gay men cant marry in New York so I'm _technically_ not your daddy.

IRENE: Yay! Kiss me!

KAREN: Me too, me too!

JACK: (Sighs) why do I only get this kind of offers from females? (Kisses Irene) Muah (Kisses Karen) Muah

KAREN IRENE: Yay!

WILL: (Looks at Grace) 

GRACE: Ugh, kiss me later I just ate something with onions.

END


	17. Back to the Old Formula

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Warning, crappy story.

SCENE I: Will's Apartment

WILL: (Enters with Jack, holding his hand) Thanks for the date, it was fun.

JACK: Yeah it was, wasn't it?

WILL: You want to come in?

JACK: Oh you know me well enough to not ask. (Enters and sits on the couch)

WILL: I still find it weird.

JACK: Same, maybe I should move somewhere away from this floor so I can not see you 24/7.

WILL: (Nods) But you're never going to get to that.

JACK: Oh you know me too well (Laughs and sighs) I guess this is the end of our official first date. (Holds out his hand)

WILL: (Shakes it)

JACK: This is the part where I'd usually sleep with someone and sneak out in the middle of the night but I think I can make an exception. (Winks)

WILL: (Laughs a little)

JACK: (Walks to the door)

WILL: (Walks with him) I'll call ya.

JACK: No you wont I'll just come over.

WILL: True…..

BOTH: (Kind of stand there)

JACK: Ok bye (kisses him and leaves)

GRACE: (Comes out scoffing) what was that?

WILL: What?

GRACE: A kiss goodnight? No groping? I am very disappointed in you.

WILL: You're starting to sound like Jack.

GRACE: Well I have to Jack's not Jack anymore.

WILL: What are you talking about we had a great time out tonight.

GRACE: He's trying too hard now, he's not himself.

WILL: I'll have you know at dinner he balanced a spoon on his nose and slapped the waiter's ass and said, "Sorry I dropped my menu."

GRACE: Ok… so how was it? (Smiles)

WILL: Great, I love him; oh I love him so much.

GRACE: Look at you all happy and giddy. I think he's the one.

WILL: It's a given.

NICK: (Getting dressed) hey Will.

WILL: Hey Nick- NICK! (Looks at Grace)

GRACE: Oh would you look at that? Nick is here and he's half naked. (To Nick) Get out, get out while you can. RUN!

NICK: (Goes to the door) you look good Will.

WILL: (Turns fully towards him and puts his hands on his hips)

NICK: (Backs out the door)

WILL: Did you put out?

GRACE: Almost, you see, you interrupted the moment.

SCENE II: Jack's Apartment

JACK: (Sleeping)

IRENE: (Comes in) Jack…..

JACK: (Wakes up) Irene?

IRENE: Hey. (Crawls into bed with him)

JACK: What's up?

IRENE: Just felt like coming over.

JACK: (Hugs her and looks at her) Have you been crying?

IRENE: (Sighs) yeah but it's nothing.

JACK: Really? You don't want to talk about it?

IRENE: I do…..but I'm not ready.

JACK: Oh ok…..

IRENE: Can I spend the night?

JACK: Sure, sure.

IRENE: Don't tell Will, ok?

JACK: (Nods)

SCENE III: Out TV.

JACK: (In his office shooting rubber bands at the ceiling)

IRENE: (Comes in)

JACK: (Almost falls out of his seat and starts typing on the computer.

IRENE: Here's the updated casting list of the sitcom Wilbert and Gretchen. Big hit!

JACK: You don't look happy.

IRENE: Oh sorry. (Smiles) Big hit!

JACK: You know you haven't been yourself lately.

IRENE: I have a lot on my mind, don't worry about it.

JACK: Well I do worry, not only am I your boss but I am also your second daddy.

IRENE: (Smiles) I better get to work.

JACK: Fine but if you ever need to talk I'm here.

IRENE: (Goes to the desk, same room as Jack and just sits there)

JACK: You want to talk now?

IRENE: yes!

SCENE IV: Will's Apartment

WILL: (Talking on the phone and cooking at the same time) I can't believe you're blowing me off! (Winces) Get that image out of your head. (Beat) I'm really upset, I am wearing just-ironed khakis and they feel nice. Fine….. (Hangs up)

JACK: (Walks in with the phone) Hey Will.

WILL: What? You just said you were too busy to have dinner with me on the phone!

JACK: Yes I know, you see, that was the boyfriend Jack. (Jumps and does jazz hands) This is your best friend, Jack.

WILL: Oh great double the Jack and I'm still unhappy.

JACK: Listen sweet heart I need to talk to you about something important. (Harsh sigh)

WILL: Oh my gosh you're breaking up with you.

JACK: Ugh, I wish! No it's worse than that it's about our daughter Dorothy.

WILL: What about her?

JACK: Oh I promised not to tell! (Grabs the crotch of his pants and bounces)

WILL: (Looks up) ok now I understand why I didn't get a piece of that earlier.

JACK: (Hits him playfully and giggles) stop that I'm trying to be the friend me pretty soon my boyfriend me will jump out and make out with you.

WILL: Ok what happened to Irene?

JACK: I cant tell you all the details but she's really depressed.

WILL: If you're not going to tell me everything why did you even mention it to me? Now I am all worried.

IRENE: (Comes in) Hey.

WILL: My baby! (Cries and runs over to her and hugs her)

IRENE: (Head smashed into Will's chest) Jack, what did you tell him?

JACK: Nothing, he's just freaking out over nothing.

WILL: Irene, what's going on?

IRENE: I don't want to say, I'll tell you eventually but for now just Jack will do. (Goes to the kitchen and continues Will's cooking)

WILL: I cant believe this, you choose Jack over me? Add paprika…

IRENE: (Adds it) Will, it's always been like that, why do you care now?

WILL: Uh you're made out of my sperm not his.

IRENE: (Tastes a little of whatever he's making) Will, I really don't need this right now, please?

WILL: (Looks at Jack)

JACK: (Raises his eyebrows and nods)

WILL: Fine.

JACK: Actually, Will, can I talk to you in the bedroom?

IRENE: Ugh I'm 21 why cant you guys just say, "I want to do you" in front of me?

WILL: (Looks at her)

IRENE: Oh I just got why….. (takes another bite and smiles)

SCENE V: Bedroom.

WILL: What's this all about?

JACK: I think we should break up.

WILL: What? I knew this was going to happen, it's all in your nature!

JACK: No I have a really good reason!

WILL: What?

JACK: Maybe it's better if we stayed friends, you know? I mean it wasn't going to work out, you knew it, I knew it, last night was WEIRD. I had to get the waiter's number just to get through it.

WILL: (Looks at him)

JACK: Don't get jealous I flushed it down the toilet in the men's room. (Beat) I cant be myself in front of you anymore, I'm afraid to be. I mean I know I've known you for almost 20 years but even so, when I'm with you, I'm not Jack…I'm Phillip.

WILL: What?

JACK: Phillip is my middle name pay attention! (Beat) I miss insulting you, I miss bossing you around like a maid. I cant do that as your boyfriend I have to like, say you're pretty and let you boss me around! Come on…..we were always friends with benefits. I kiss you as much I kiss Karen. And you kiss me as much you kiss Grace. And all four of us make out with Irene so she doesn't feel left out!

WILL: I guess you're right….. I mean if it turned out to be serious and I…..lost you, it wouldn't ever be the same between us.

JACK: Yeah. Let's just make a deal. Every time both of us are single at the same time we flirt that crap out of each other and sleep with one another once a week.

WILL: Oh I don't know, Grace has a water pick.

JACK: (Winks) so do I. Come on don't be a spoil sport. This way _I_ can be comfortable….. (Smiles)

WILL: Fine, whatever makes you comfortable. (Hugs and kisses him) Wow (looks at his watch) I think we're the new Britney Spears our relationship lasted 26 hours.

SCENE VI: Grace Adler Designs.

GRACE: Man I'm bored.

KAREN: (Reading a magazine)

GRACE: No clients today, what a bust. We're hitting a dry spell. Do you have a magazine I can borrow?

KAREN: Honey, look around, there's magazines everywhere.

GRACE: I know I was hoping you'd get up and hand me one, my butt is sleeping.

KAREN: (Takes a drink) no.

GRACE: Please?

KAREN: No.

GRACE: Well do you have any ideas to make today fun?

KAREN: How about you shut your trap and I read Allure?

GRACE: (Whines)

KAREN: Ok, ok! I got a game we can play!

GRACE: Yes! What?

KAREN: Ok I got 10 bottles of pills here. Whoever finds the most matches wins. Like by color.

GRACE: (Pops open a bottle) Karen, these are filled with jelly beans.

KAREN: I know but they are all liquor flavored. Strawberry Daiquiri, Scotch on the rocks, Virgin Mary, and Tequila shot!

GRACE: Huh.

KAREN: Ok so lets play, and whoever loses has to eat a bottle full of choice. On the bag it said to not drive after eating some so I suppose you can get wasted from these.

SCENE VII: Dinner.

KAREN: Ugh hi J-Lo and Britney. You two got commitment problems.

WILL: It was mutual.

KAREN: Mutual smooch-ial I wanted to see some gay action! Now I'll never. (Pouts)

IRENE: I got to go. (Leaves)

GRACE: Look what you did! You upset your daughter.

JACK: Who are you talking to?

GRACE: All three of you guys!

SCENE VIII: Hallway.

WILL: (Knocks on the door) Irene, open up.

JACK: Yeah we're really sorry.

IRENE: (Opens up) Will you quit making everything about yourselves?

EVERYONE: (Goes into her apartment)

KAREN: Irene…..

GRACE: Where's all your stuff?

IRENE: I don't know it was like this when I got here!

WILL: Iry…..

IRENE: (Sighs) I'm leaving.

GRACE: What?

IRENE: I'm…..leaving New York. For good. And it has been a very tough decision but I've made up my mind.

WILL: Does this have to do with that letter?

IRENE: Only a half….. I'm not going back to see Joanne…I'm going back to make my own life because I got a reality check and realized that I am not going to be with Will forever. I have to grow up and have my own life. All my life I have just been this kid sticking to her parents like her life depended on it and…..I don't have to be like that anymore I'm independent.

WILL: (To Jack) is this the thing you wouldn't tell me?

JACK: Yeah and just so all of you know I support Irene 100. (Goes over to her and pats her on the back)

WILL: (Lowers his head)

IRENE: Dad, say something.

WILL: I guess 5 years of knowing you is enough.

IRENE: (Smiles a little)

WILL: (Hugs her)

IRENE: (Starts crying a little)

EVERYONE: (Group hug)

END


	18. Will, you Barry me!

SUMMARY: Sorry, hit a dry spell.

SCENE I: Will's Apartment.

GRACE: (Eating breakfast with Will) you know what I just realized?

WILL: What?

GRACE: We're never taken at the same time. It's either I'm taken and your single, or you're single and I'm taken.

WILL: You know you just said the same thing in reverse?

GRACE: (Gives him a look)

WILL: (Whining) Yeah ok…..

JACK: (Entering) Hey.

WILL & GRACE: Hi.

JACK: (Goes up to Will) Will, how you feeling cutie? Missing your daughter much, getting fatter thus…

IRENE: (Comes out of the bathroom) Jack, I'm still here, you know it takes _time_ to pack and move on out of here?

JACK: (Talks to Grace on the side of his mouth) who's that girl and why is she talking to me?

KAREN: (Comes in) Will, how many times do I have to call you until you'll fetch my drugs huh? How many? Because I can call you right now on my new cell phone. (Takes something out)

GRACE: Ew, what is that?

IRENE: I think it's an infant's decapitated head….

WILL: Karen, how many times do I have to tell you, I threw out my bong _years _ago!

KAREN: I don't believe you. I smell happiness here and I want some of it.

JACK: Karen, stop yelling you're getting wrinkles.

KAREN: (Gasps and sticks her face in the mirror)

WILL: Anyways it just so happens that I found someone and you will not believe who it is.

GRACE: Why do you lie?

WILL: It's true.

JACK: That you're lying? What? We already know.

KAREN: You see it's impossible for Will to get a date because he works and comes home to PAX TV.

WILL: You guys I'm serious. Barry is back!

JACK: Must be serious if you're introducing him your daughter.

WILL: I am not introducing Irene as my daughter, she's…also…a friend.

JACK: (Raises his eyebrow)

WILL: Ok, bad move.

IRENE: Thanks a lot dad.

KAREN: Wait this isn't the Barry, who's my cousin that came out of the closet like just 3 years ago, is it?

WILL: Yeah he's been hitting a rough patch of single-ness and gave me a call.

JACK: Oh then it's not so hard to believe, you're his rebound guy.

WILL: Hey-

(Knock on door)

GRACE: That must be Nick coming back from the movie shoot! Irene, you haven't met him right?

IRENE: No because you see I spent the last 3 months off the side of the world trying to find the 8th dimension.

JACK: Huh…so you're going with nerdy jokes now?

IRENE: Yeah.

JACK: (Opens the door) Hi honey, I missed you do much (kisses him on the cheek)

NICK: Thanks for that, Jack. Who's this little lady?

IRENE: Hi (Holds out hand) I am Irene, Grace's friend. I've heard absolutely nothing about you other than the past 30 seconds we talked about you before we opened the door.

GRACE: (Goes up to him and kisses him) Irene is actually Will's daughter.

NICK: Oh I see the resemblance.

IRENE: Really?

NICK: Just that mole on the cheek.

IRENE: (Beat) yeah I better get that removed.

WILL: (Irritated look)

SCENE II: Irene's Apartment

IRENE: (Packing) Jack? I lost you! (Taping a box closed) Marco.

JACK: (Off screen) Polo.

IRENE: (Walking around) Marco.

JACK: (In the bedroom) Polo, who's drawers are these?

IRENE: Calm down, it's Will's. I wear it sometimes to sleep.

JACK: Ew, let's hope you washed it beforehand.

IRENE: You slept with him before.

JACK: How do you know?

IRENE: How can I not know? You guys practically did it in my face and you said I got to watch to understand gay sex. I am practically scarred for life, you keep forgetting Will's my dad.

JACK: Well it couldn't be _that_ disturbing as it would be if you saw your hick foster parents doing it.

IRENE: Still. (Shudders) I'm surprised you're not even jealous of Master Barry.

JACK: How can I be jealous of a non-existing relationship?

IRENE: Will showed me a picture. He seems crazy about him. I can't blame him, Barry's cute.

JACK: That hunk of cheese was under my grater. If it weren't for me he'd look like Will 10 years ago.

IRENE: Scrawny and hairy?

JACK: _Fat _and hairy. Anyway, he had a choice between Will or I and he chose Will. First guy ever, I mean look at me (looks in Irene's mirror) I am 10 times cuter than that guy.

IRENE: (Nods in agreement) But Will's more mature.

JACK: Quick pivot, jaw drop, eyebrow frown. (Does those actions) confuse me?

IRENE: (Smiles) you know…..I don't have to explain it to you, you're smart enough to know what I mean.

JACK: I have you know that I have the ability to carry a serious relationship.

IRENE: You have yet failed to prove that point. You were with Will for like ONE DAY after all this obsession. You, Jack, are obsessed with lust, not love.

JACK: Well what about Stuart?

IRENE: What about Stuart? You cheated on him with a delivery boy and claimed he was hitting on you because he was delivering you a package.

JACK: He was!

IRENE: Not THAT kind of package! It was a dirty book you ordered from My point exactly! Was it clean? No. It was filthy! (Stops and starts fanning himself) oh boy, don't get me started. My point being, Will is just having trouble accepting the fact that he's single and bringing an ex back to life.

SCENE III: Café.

WILL: (Sitting with Barry) Well that was some lunch.

BARRY: Yeah I have been off cheese for 5 months, I can't believe all that I missed.

WILL: (Laughs a little)

BARRY: It was great seeing you again.

WILL: You too, look at you! You're even thinner than I made you and learned how to make a good goatee. I haven't even achieved that level yet.

BARRY: Well, I'll teach you sometime. (Smiles)

SCENE IV: Hallway.

JACK: (Coming out of his apartment with a trash bag in hand)

BARRY: (Coming out of Will's, putting on a jacket)

JACK: Barry, hey.

BARRY: Hey Jack, look at you!

JACK: You look great yourself.

BARRY: So what's new?

JACK: I…..have procrastinated on taking out the trash for more than a month.

BARRY: (Beat) good to know. (Beat) well, see ya.

JACK: Wait!

BARRY: Yes? (Gets the elevator)

JACK: I just…..wanted to know, how you've been doing….after being gay for a while.

BARRY: (Gets in) I'm fine. (Leaves)

JACK: (Hits himself in the head and takes out the trash and goes into Will's apartment) I just saw Barry.

WILL: (Eating cereal) and?

JACK: It's 9 AM in the morning.

WILL: He slept over.

JACK: Huge gasp and couple of steps back with accusing finger (does all those actions) _Slept over._

WILL: Yes Jack, he _slept over._

JACK: I thought we made a deal. When we were both single we would sleep with each other once a week.

WILL: Yeah that's the thing, I'm not single.

JACK: You hateful, hateful, saggy breasted monkey-man. I am out of here and not coming back until I have an Antonio around my arms and a Juan Miguel on his knees! (Leaves angrily)

WILL: Wow that's a nice image.

GRACE: (Pops out of the kitchen) Whoa, tell me about it.

SCENE V: Grace Adler Designs

IRENE: (At Grace's desk)

KAREN: (Enters) Hi Grace, sorry I am late. But you see, I was late because I was busy shopping for you! I got you a present. (Gives Irene the bag)

IRENE: What's the occasion?

KAREN: Wha- silly! It's my 8th year as your assistant! Now come on honey, open it up!

IRENE: (Waves her hands in front of Karen's face and speaks slowly) I'm I-re-ne….

KAREN: (Holds her nose) your name should be I-stink. Your breath sobered me up, hey Dorothy. (Reaches in her purse and throws her a box of tic-tacs)

IRENE: (Catches it, takes one, and throws it back) Thanks.

KAREN: So what are you doing here honey? Taking intership?

IRENE: I just thought, since I am leaving…..maybe we should try and make nice before go.

KAREN: (Beat) are you hitting on me? "Make nice?" I only "make twice" if you know what I mean.

IRENE: Just a thought. (Looks sad)

KAREN: (Beat, looks at Irene) hey, hey, hey, come on now. Don't use poodle's puppy face on me. You know that's my weak spot. That and horribly sad stories I find horribly hilarious and entertaining. (Laughs) I should call driver and ask him to stew up another one.

IRENE: No, I'm serious Karen. I would like to leave New York with no enemies.

KAREN: Honey, I'm not your only enemy.

IRENE: Really?

KAREN: Yeah, you know your dog walker, she hates you.

IRENE: I don't have a dog.

KAREN: Well…..the ice cream man hates you.

IRENE: I eat tofutti.

KAREN: again, stop coming on to me! If you want to do it come on. (Goes to her)

IRENE: (Backs away, stumbling) Aye, aye, aye!

GRACE: (Comes in) Karen, stop coming on to Irene.

KAREN: She started it.

IRENE: You look stressed.

GRACE: Oh no, just had a long breakfast with you know, Will. Keeps talking about Barry, and I have no idea what to do with him.

IRENE: What about Nick?

GRACE: What _about_ Nick?

IRENE: Well, I don't know about you but this little post-it I sat on when I first got here said you were supposed to be with him for lunch 10 minutes ago…

GRACE: Great, long breakfast with Will, long lunch with Nick, if this keeps up I am going to have a long dinner with a cucumber. (Leaves)

IRENE: I don't get what she said.

KAREN: You'll get it…

IRENE: (Long pause and bugs out her eyes, gasps) Oh. Ew.

KAREN: (Nods her head) yep.

IRENE: That's sad.

KAREN: Tell me about it.

SCENE VI: Will's Apartment

JACK: (Comes in) Will? (Looks around) Will? (Goes into the bedroom) Will- AHH!

WILL: (Runs out) Jack!

JACK: Ah!

WILL: I thought I locked the door.

JACK: (Holds out a shaking hand, holding a key)

WILL: (Takes his key angrily) what is your problem? You just cant mind your own business, can you? You have been acting odd lately now I want to know what's up!

JACK: I'm jealous!

WILL: (Beat) Wow, I wasn't expecting that.

BARRY: (Dressed, sneaking out of the bedroom into the living room) I think now will be a good time for me to leave. (Tip toes out of the apartment)

WILL: (Calms down) what do you mean you're jealous?

JACK: Will, we just broke up, and now you take the one guy who chose you over me and rub it in my face!

WILL: You know that's not what I am doing, I love Barry.

JACK: Love….huh…..you've been on one real date with him and you're already sleeping with him.

WILL: I already know him, there are exceptions to the one-date-you-cant-sleep-with-unless-you-are-going-to-one-night-stand-him rule!

JACK: Well I don't think that's just fair.

WILL: Well you're any better you know how much you hurt me when you slept with a FEMALE just to get over me?

JACK: That did not count, you were still with Vince.

WILL: Yeah well you did it 3 weeks before we broke up. You had your little thing to get over me, why cant I have my thing with Barry to get over you?

JACK: Aha! So you admit that you're still in love with me!

WILL: No I did not! Jack, I love you as a friend, and it kills me that we can never be more than that. Barry is good for me. Think of it this way: It's like Karen, without money, but is selling this million dollar priced fur coat for temporary happiness.

JACK: I _do _get that analogy.

WILL: So you understand?

JACK: Why in front of me though?

WILL: Because you're my friend, it's not your fault that you see me everyday and still part of every second of my life. You'll get over it…and I will too. I'm not using Barry even though it sounds like I am.

JACK: You are.

WILL: (Smiles) (Beat) the casual sex thing is just not my style and I hope you can understand that. I am a "into a one man relationship guy" you are the "into one night stand non-relationship guy" which is so hard for me to accept and so hard for me to get over.

JACK: You're hard to get over too.

WILL: I'm sorry, sweetie.

JACK: No I am sorry. 

(They hug)

GRACE: (Coming out of her bedroom) Aw…can I get on that too?

WILL & JACK: (Let Grace in on the hug)

NICK: (Coming out and leaving) Next time my place, ok? (Leaves)

SCENE VII: Will's Apartment.

(Dinner)

KAREN & IRENE: (Comes late)

KAREN: Hey girls, sorry we're late. Dorothy and I caught ourselves in a little bonding time.

IRENE: Just a little get-to-know-you-better-stop-hating-your-guts-thing.

KAREN: (Giggles) we fondled in a Banana Republic dressing stall.

IRENE: N-no we didn't…..

KAREN: (Looks up thinking) Oh that's right I think I did it to Kathy Lee Gifford. Anyway…..

IRENE: We shopped, we talked, and look what I got. (Shows Will her earrings)

WILL: (Mad) You got your ears pierced?

IRENE: (Takes it off and reveals it's a clip)

IRENE & KAREN: Psych!

KAREN: (Laughs) I knew that would get you!

GRACE: Why wont you let her have her ears pierced? I have mine pierced.

WILL: Yeah that's why I wont let her get hers pierced. Remember when I had to be the hand you held to squeeze through the pain? I had to have a hand cast for 3 months. When they cut it off it was so pale and hairy…..

JACK: Cut off your hand?

WILL: No the cast, stupid. I had to use artificial bronze to make it match the other and a year later Grace got her ears infected and had to let it seal up. SECOND TIME she did it she held my-

KAREN: Whoa, whoa, whoa, lets keep this story PG13 ok?

WILL: I was going to say stress sponge.

KAREN: Again, we have children among us. Shame on you, Truman….. Ok I got to ska-dooch. I have a rub down with Fabio and a gang "boom" with "chiwala walas" and "hoochie mamas" (Leaves)

GRACE: Did anyone get what she just said?

WILL & JACK: You don't want to know.

END


	19. Questionable Tootie Fruity

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Guest starring Ewan McGregor as Irene's uncle. HOUR SPECIAL!

SCENE I: Will's Apartment

WILL & GRACE: (Comes in with bags, been shopping)

GRACE: Look, I don't get why it's such a big deal! I buy something for 9.99 including tax, and she doesn't give me the freaking penny!

WILL: That's the thing Grace, it isn't a big deal. It's just a PENNY.

GRACE: But that penny is just one out of a hundred. If I had a hundred of those, you know what I'd get?

WILL: A dollar? (Makes a face)

GRACE: Exactly….and with that dollar I can buy?

WILL: Lint?

GRACE: No, lint is free, stupid. I can make lint by washing jeans with tissue stuck inside the pockets.

WILL: Ok fine a penny comes a long way, lesson learned. Next time I'll help you hold the person down so you don't have to worry about the cashier accidentally punching your nose when you're gnawing her fingers, prying them open to get your change.

GRACE: Thank you. So how are you and Barry?

WILL: (Sighs) its over, I ended it. I felt like it was going no where, and it probably was. Dating exes are so overrated. How's Nick?

GRACE: I'm a little worried. The other day we went grocery shopping and he insisted that I use Dove soap instead of Lever 2000. I swear, if I landed another gay one, (Brooklyn accent) it'd be the end of me.

WILL: Dove isn't the suggestion of a mo…..

GRACE: I am thinking what if he just came out.

WILL: Oh then yeah he's questioning.

JACK: (Comes in excited) Hey guys! Guess why I am so happy?

WILL: You woke up with someone you actually know and remember doing?

JACK: (Laughs) oh Will, if we were still be together (looks at him)

WILL: (Looks at him back) (Beat) (Smiles)

JACK: (Shakes his head and throws his hands up) that's it. Anyways I am happy because today is the day, for the first time in Out TV history-

WILL: Which is not long since it was founded just this year…..

JACK: Can you stop pooping my news? I am going to act in a sitcom! My first acting job in such a long, oh so long, long time ago. I am a guest star on the sitcom I founded. Wilbert and Gretchen, yeah, I get to say, "tootie fruity makes tootie come out of your booty." It's supposedly the funniest line in the entire episode.

WILL: Then I am guessing the show's not doing so well.

JACK: I'm going to make it work. I am thinking about adding an accent or add beats in specific places…..or both. (In a weird accent) tootie (beat) fruity makes tootie come (beat) out of your (beat) booty. Booty? Booty. Booty! Which one's better? Question mark, period, or exclamation point?

WILL: (ignoring him) so about tonight…..

GRACE: Oh I cant come tonight.

WILL: What do you mean you can't?

JACK: Hello?

WILL: (Ignoring still) It's for Irene, she's leaving tonight and you're flaking out on me?

GRACE: I am not flaking out on you, I am not flaky.

JACK: Hello I need advice here!

WILL: (Ignoring) You have to take a rain check on whatever you have planned tonight.

GRACE: What? Why? That's not fair!

WILL: And getting off work early despite the fact I got 2 cases going on now is?

GRACE: If I have to go tonight I will have to bring Nick.

JACK: Booty. Booty? Booty! Bo- (beat) tay

WILL: (Sarcastic) Fantastic, bring him.

GRACE: No I cant bring him, stupid, he doesn't even know Irene that well.

WILL: Well thank you for understanding why you need to ditch him!

GRACE: He just got back from filming a movie!

WILL: Oh please, FOR A GAY NETWORK, it's not like he was filming in Iraq!

JACK: (Singing) Booty!

WILL: Jack, will you shut up?

JACK: (Scared) Well I just wanted to know how I can make the line funny.

WILL: You want to know how to make it funny? Don't say it!

JACK: I cant, not say it. That doesn't make any sense.

WILL: Ugh just say it as Karen will.

JACK: (Makes his voice high, cracking) Tootie fruity makes tootie come out of your booty.

GRACE: No, still not funny, anyways about the dinner party for Irene…

JACK: We're throwing a dinner party for Irene?

KAREN: (Comes in) Hey peeps. I just came back from IHOP, I ordered the tootie fruity. (Holds her stomach) well, you know what they say….. tootie fruity makes tootie come out of your booty. (Laughs)

WILL & GRACE: (Laughs)

JACK: (Looks irritated)

KAREN: (Sighs) I am funny for my age…..

SCENE II: Jacque's

JACK: (Sitting)

KAREN: (Comes out of the elevator singing) every sha-la-la-la-la every whoa-oh-whoa- Oh! Hey poodle. You looking cute, what are you up to?

JACK: Waiting for Irene to return home from school. Today is the day of the dinner party and Will wants me to keep her busy while he's going to develop 10 extra wrinkles on his forehead due to the confusion of who-sits-where seating arrangement.

KAREN: Huh. Oh how was your one liner for your Gay TV show?

JACK: Haven't filmed it.

KAREN: Oh good because I thought up ways to say the line funny.

JACK: Aw you did?

KAREN: No (giggles) bed spread washer did. She used to be a thespian…..or a lesbian I was drunk when I read her resume last month. Anyways, she thought up 20! (Gives Jack a notepad)

JACK: Wow thanks Kare, I feel that this is really going to help! (Reading) Spanish accent, Captain Kirk style, the pig from loony tunes way…..

KAREN: Oh honey, try the Woody the Woodpecker way!

JACK: (Does the woody the woodpecker laugh)

KAREN: Honey, where did the line go?

JACK: The laugh took all of the camera time I had.

KAREN: In that case, I'd go with that one.

IRENE: (Gets out of the elevator) Hey guys.

JACK: Now!

KAREN: (Stands up and jabs her fingers in Irene's neck)

IRENE: (Falls unconscious)

KAREN: Finally I get to use that, Rosie taught me last week, she had to knock me out 4 times until I finally got it.

JACK: Ok come on!

SCENE III: Arcade.

JACK & KAREN: (Carrying a bag and meets up with Grace)

GRACE: Oh, déjà vu is that the same bag you stuff my head in for my birthday like two years ago and brought me here?

JACK & KAREN: (Scoffs) No! (Beat) Yeah…..

GRACE: Where's Irene?

JACK & KAREN: (Swings the bag)

GRACE: She fits right in the bag?

JACK & KAREN: (Drops it)

IRENE: (In the bag) Ow.

KAREN: (Holds her back) she might be tiny but she's heavy!

GRACE: (Helps Irene out of the bag) Oh sweetie, are you ok?

IRENE: They dropped me on my head. (Hugs Grace)

GRACE: (Rubs her head)

IRENE: What are we doing here? How many times do I have to tell you people, I am 21, not 12…..

KAREN: Maybe if you tell us one more time (beat) we'd care.

IRENE: What's the big idea? I was supposed to watch movers move things out of my apartment just to see if they steal anything.

JACK: Irene….. (Looks at her)

IRENE: Ok Jackie I just like to get them all misty and shiny. (Laughs) But you know if you want to take me out on a good time on my last day, I don't think the arcade is a good idea.

KID: (Chasing this other kid, trips over Grace and spills coke on Irene's crotch)

IRENE: And that is one of the reasons.

KAREN: I'll clean it! (Gets on her knees)

IRENE: (Backs up) No, no, no, I got it. (Leaves)

GRACE, JACK, & KAREN: (Follows closely after)

SCENE IV: Mall

GRACE: How are my pants fitting you?

IRENE: Really loose.

GRACE: Oh yeah well no one will pay attention with that big zit on your chin.

JACK & KAREN: (Holds Grace back from attacking)

IRENE: I'm hungry for some Baskin Robins.

GRACE: Oh yum me too.

SCENE V: Will's Apartment

WILL: (At the table looking at some papers)

NICK: (Knocks on the door)

WILL: Come in...whoever.

NICK: (Comes in) Hey Will, where's Grace?

WILL: She's out with Irene.

NICK: Oh.

WILL: Did she tell you about tonight?

NICK: Yeah.

WILL: Will you be joining us?

NICK: No.

WILL: Thank god! (Lets out a relieved sigh) I just found out that Irene's uncle who I've never met will be joining us and having one more person isn't going to relieve this confusion of seating arrangements for dinner.

NICK: You I think it is sweet that you're throwing your daughter this surprise goodbye party.

WILL: Thank you.

NICK: I-I just stopped by to see if Grace was in and to give you this. (Hands him a card) I wrote it myself, for Irene.

WILL: Wow that's so sweet and personal.

NICK: You think so?

WILL: No it's nothing special I was just being nice.

NICK: (Beat) (Nods) all right, well I'll see ya.

WILL: Wait, do you really want to go?

NICK: No that's ok, it's your thing. (Leaves)

SCENE VI: Mall

KAREN: Hey, Dorothy, don't eat too much or else you won't have any room for tonight's dinner party we're throwing ya.

IRENE: You guys are throwing me a dinner party?

KAREN: What? Where did you get that silly idea?

GRACE: Oy Goyim….. (Puts her face in her hands) Please Irene, act surprised tonight. Will is putting a lot of stress on this. (Beat) Wait…. déjà vu again!

IRENE: No problem you guys.

JACK: (Cell phone beeps) Oh good it's still a surprise.

KAREN: What?

JACK: Oh nothing Will just messaged me on my blackberry about…..something (winks)

IRENE: About what?

JACK: Your uncle joining us for dinner.

GRACE: Jack! Ugh!

JACK: Oops…..

IRENE: Oh that's ok, as long as I don't know which uncle.

JACK: Uncle-

GRACE & KAREN: (Jump on him and covers his mouth)

JACK: (Beat)

GRACE: (Takes her hand back) Ew! (Wipes her hand on Jack's sleeve) Spit on me….. (Pouts)

JACK: That was close…

IRENE: Ok, I think I am ready to go home and get ready for this party I don't know about.

GRACE: Ok, come on Jack, Karen.

KAREN: Ok pushy, you want to get into my pants just say so.

GRACE: You're so random.

KAREN: I love you too, honey.

SCENE VII: Irene's Apartment

JACK: (Comes in with Irene)

IRENE: (Looks around) Wow…..everything's so empty. Just like when I bought it…..more than half a year ago…..

JACK: Yeah so come on and get changed and run your surprised look by me.

IRENE: (Beat) you know what? I think I am just going to stay here until it's time to go. (Sits on the floor and sighs)

JACK: (Sits with her) you're going to miss it here, aren't you?

IRENE: Yeah.

JACK: You know we're going to visit you sometime, and you're going to visit us, right?

IRENE: Of course. I'm just having second thoughts. Dang it, why can't I make a decision and stick by it?

JACK: Well it isn't your entire fault. Kansas is where you have been all your life and then BAM you meet your illogical father and your world gets all tipsy turny.

IRENE: Biological…..

JACK: Gazoontite.

IRENE: Hmm….. ok I am going to stick to this, I am going to leave. Bye New York, New York, New York…..New York….. (Sighs) New York.

JACK: Maybe you should say "New York" one more time.

IRENE: (Hits him) shut up.

JACK: (Mouths "ow" and backs up a little) I am going to miss you, you were like a poorer version of Karen.

IRENE: Aw, thank you. (Hugs him)

JACK: Yeah, just think, by next year your bust would be bigger than hers!

(They hug again)

SCENE VIII: Restaurant

GRACE: (Has her hands over Irene's eyes) and we're….. (lets go of Irene) here!

IRENE: (Gasps) a surprise dinner party? I cannot believe!

WILL: Ok you knew.

IRENE: Sorry, Will.

WILL: its ok (kisses her) at least you don't know who the surprise guest is!

MINDY: (Comes in)

IRENE: Uncle Mindy! (Runs up and hugs him)

MINDY: Look at you so grown up and beautiful!

IRENE: You just saw me 3 years ago.

KAREN: Am I drugged or did I just hear Irene's uncle's name is Mindy?

WILL & GRACE: Both.

MINDY: Actually my name is Millard but that sounds even more repulsive.

WILL: Then shouldn't it be "Millie"?

IRENE: What are you doing here in New York? Please tell me you havent been milking cars.

KAREN: (Beat) I don't even know what that means.

IRENE: Nothing, Uncle Mindy likes to mess with other people's cars.

MINDY: (Shows his hands covered in black grease) you caught me.

IRENE: (Laughs) Come on I'll show you were the washroom is, we're going to eat, you know. (Leaves)

WILL: Aw, look at them.

GRACE: And by them you mean-

WILL: Him, he's hot.

JACK: Gosh I sure hope he's gay, or at least has a twin brother because I got to get myself a little bit of that!

KAREN: Look at his ass while he walks…..that's a mo butt all right.

GRACE: Hey there are a lot of straight guys with fine asses.

JACK: Wearing leather pants?

GRACE: Yes.

JACK: In what world? The real one or the one where Will is straight and your husband…..

GRACE: We'll just see…..who gets the last laugh.

KAREN: Yeah. 10 on Jackie…..

WILL: me too.

KAREN: Oh honey, I didn't know you had 10 million.

WILL: I take that back, make it 5 dollars.

GRACE: Hey no one is betting on me?

WILL: You can bet on yourself, Gracie.

GRACE: 20 dollars on me.

JACK: I feel sorry for Grace. (Digs in his pocket) I put in a penny, a toy soldier, and lint. (Beat) ok never mind, I like the toy. (Takes it back and plays with it, laughing hysterically)

WILL: I will give anything to be a kid again.

GRACE: I think we do this too much.

WILL: Make fun of Jack? It's our thing!

GRACE: No, bet money on people's sexuality. Not everyone is gay, you know. Only 11 of the world's population….. There's a lot more things going on in the world then Jack turning every straight man gay when he enters a room.

WILL: Like?

GRACE: Like…..me turning them back.

WILL: Oh sweetie (beat) in your dreams.

GRACE: You know you can be so cruel. Now if you'd excuse me, I will be in the ladies room adjusting the strap of my thong. (Leaves)

IRENE & MINDY: (Comes back)

IRENE: Is our table ready?

JACK: Whoa! Yes….. (Takes the square buzzer out of his pants and its blinking) table between 68 and 70. Take a wild guess. (Leads them)

KAREN: (Looking sad)

IRENE: Karen, what's wrong?

KAREN: Oh honey, I just realized, how much I am going to miss insulting a fourth person. (About to cry) it breaks my heart knowing- (snaps out of it and is all happy) hey there's a bar here! (Runs off and ditches Irene)

SCENE IX: Restaurant

JACK: So Mindy, or Duck, what do you do for a living?

MINDY: I am a fashion designer.

JACK: Wow that is gay!

MINDY: Yeah I do enjoy it, there's something about multi-colored fabric-

JACK: like rain bowed-

MINDY: and the variations on making a dress-

JACK: for a drag

MINDY: that keeps me excited and loving my job.

JACK: Queerly!

GRACE: (Kicks Jack from under the table)

JACK: Ow!

GRACE: So _Millard_ what do you do for fun?

MINDY: Uh, I coach a little league soccer and baseball team on my free time, I also like watching football when my sister gets the antenna pointed the right way on the TV.

JACK: And by sister you mean…..

MINDY: Sister.

KAREN: (Laughs) Hicks are disoriented when you're on shrooms…..

MINDY: Is she ok?

WILL: Yeah she's fine, that or she will be within the next hour. If she pretends to be a plane just go with it.

JACK: Just don't pretend to be a runway that can become ugly.

GRACE: Ouch, I remember that.

IRENE: I am going to go get something from the buffet bar.

MINDY: I'll come with. (Leaves)

GRACE: Can you _be_ anymore unsubtle?

JACK: Sorry, Chandler Bing.

WILL: Hey, hey cut it out you guys. Today is Irene's last night in New York, I don't want you two to spend it betting on Mindy's sexuality.

JACK: He's so queer you just don't want to admit it!

GRACE: He's so straight if he was drunk he could pass off as sober!

JACK: He has a freaking girls name!

GRACE: You have freaking girl parts that doesn't mean you're not a man!

JACK: I resent that.

GRACE: (Spits her tongue at him)

KAREN: Hey, hey, hey, Cuckoo and dodo! Will is right…..you shouldn't be questioning Mindy…..you're supposed to be questioning Irene! This night is all about her, ho and mo!

JACK: She's right….. Irene sometimes acts like Heche, one day you're straight and BOOM! You become a lesbian to gain attention. Man…..

WILL: Right….. I am going to the loo. (Sighs, standing up) I'll give anything to be British. (Leaves)

IRENE: (Comes back with a second plate) Hey.

JACK: Where's Mindy?

IRENE: He went to the bathroom. (Puts the plate in Mindy's space) Gosh I am so excited he's here. He's like my closest and most favorite relative I have.

KAREN: (Laughs) I have no family (beat) THANK GOD!

GRACE: (Shushes her) we're in public!

KAREN: (Giggles) Ok I'll go smoke whatever is in my pocket in the bathroom then. (Leaves)

JACK & GRACE: (Fight amongst themselves and shush each other up when Mindy comes back)

MINDY: Wow this place is so nice. The nicest bathroom I ever been was in a portable one. I hate the country…..

IRENE: You are going to ride with me home right?

MINDY: Yeah Joanne sent me here to get you.

IRENE: Didn't she tell you I am not going back to _her?_ That I am going to make my life somewhere in a Kansas city?

MINDY: Yes, don't fret…..your going to live with me in my city apartment for a while until you get your life going where I will then kick you out and steal half your pay checks.

JACK: I will steal the other half.

MINDY: (Laughs) you're kind of funny.

JACK: (Nudges Grace) he thinks I'm funny.

GRACE: (Laughs along and does her signature hair flip)

MINDY: And you're so adorable-

GRACE: (Nudges Jack) He thinks I am adorable.

MINDY: I couldn't imagine how much better you looked before you got your nose fixed.

JACK: (Drinking something and laughs) Oh my god, wine just went up my nose but it was totally worth it. I am going to go clean up in the bathroom.

KAREN: (Dazed walking by) (Singing the tune of "Close to You" by Carpenters) Why do stars suddenly appear every time I smoke something weird, just like me you long to be as high as me…..On the day weed was born the angels got together and started to create a dream come true, so they sprinkled power up your nose and injected something in you that was blue! Woo!

JACK: (In the men's bathroom)

WILL: (Washing his hand)

JACK: Hey Will, #2?

WILL: No, something happened and I kind of went star struck for a while.

JACK: You realized how tiny your winkle was?

WILL: (Beat) bigger than yours.

JACK: (Chuckles and hits him playfully) I don't know what to do with you!

WILL: I was _doing my thing_

JACK: You shook more than twice and got carried away didn't you?

WILL: (Laughs) Come here sweetie…..

JACK: (Get closer)

WILL: (Hits him on the head) assume that of me again and I am going to stick my foot in your ass.

JACK: Oh me likes the sound of that. (Beat) Fine tell me.

WILL: No, no point now, it's not important.

JACK: Come on, you know I care.

WILL: You do?

JACK: Not really but a little…..

WILL: Ok I was going to the bathroom when Mindy came in.

JACK: And?

WILL: I saw his thing. (Almost crying)

JACK: Oh you poor dear, you forgotten what they looked like on someone else!

WILL: No….. (Whispering) he's a whale!

JACK: (Huge gasps and pretends he has a mustache and twirls his finger in the air as if playing with it) Me likes the sound of that…..

(In the restaurant)

JACK: (Runs out, tripping and falling everywhere finally lands on Grace)

GRACE: Jack!

JACK: (Give Grace a big smile)

GRACE: Whatever you are looking for down there, I aint got.

JACK: (Laughs) No! I want to take my penny back and put it under my name! He's gay! He's so fra-rick-ing GAY!

GRACE: No way?

JACK: A straight's hose is like this (gestures an inch) but mister big Millie Mindy is like this (spreads his arms apart and giggles like a girl) he's a big boy!

GRACE: Jack, you cant tell if someone's gay by the size of their thing.

IRENE: (Butts in) Who are you talking about?

GRACE & JACK: No one.

IRENE: (Ignores them and continues to talk to Mindy)

GRACE: I take my 20 back and raise it into a 50. You have the whole thing mixed up, straights are bigger than gays.

JACK: Gays are bigger than straights!

GRACE: NO!

JACK: YES!

GRACE: Ok look, I have seen Will's when he was straight, I've seen Will's when he was gay.

JACK: What? You don't dramatically change sizes when you come out!

GRACE: (In a low voice) Oh…..really…..

WILL: I put 15 on Jack.

KAREN: Ok boys, give me your money.

WILL: (Give Karen 10 more dollars)

GRACE: (Give Karen 30)

JACK: (Adds a penny)

KAREN: (Takes all the money and stuffs her in her chest) there's only one way to solve this….. Mini Me.

IRENE: Me?

KAREN: Yeah, can I talk to you at the muffin and ice cream table?

GRACE: While you are there can you get me um….12 muffins and 3 bowls of ice cream?

WILL: Strike that, just roll the whole table over in front of Grace.

GRACE: No one finds you funny.

WILL: You want your muffins or what?

GRACE: (Head lowers) ok bring the whole table over here…..

IRENE: (Gets dragged by Karen)

KAREN: Ok listen up, honey. I know today is your last day in New York and this whole dinner is supposed to be all about you, blah, blah, blah, but there is a question hanging over everyone's heads. Is Mindy Mindy Bo Bindy Banana Fana Fo Findie a ho ho bo bo banana fana fo homo. (Smiles)

IRENE: Isnt it obvious? I mean look at him!

KAREN: I am honey, and all I see is a hot guy with a supposedly huge-

IRENE: (Covers her mouth) Don't finish that sentence with anything inappropriate or a euphemism of anything wrong.

KAREN: (Whispers) _ego_

IRENE: That's a euphemism!

KAREN: So is that! Honey you know what happens when you use big vocabulary on me, I get bitchy and act like a drunken fool.

IRENE: Arent you always like that?

KAREN: Arent you always using big words?

IRENE: Look, I have no time for this, shame on you for questioning my uncle's sexuality.

KAREN: Well can you blame me? Your dad is gay and your mom attracts straight girls. There's obviously something wrong with your family! (Walks off)

MINDY: (Meets up with Irene) Hey you know your friend Zach?

IRENE: Jack…..

MINDY: Yeah anyways, he's like hitting on me, does he have a mental disorder?

IRENE: Yes, yes he does, it's becoming more and more common these days. It's called being a H.O.M.O.

MINDY: Huh, never heard of it. Anyways I just got a call from the Joanne, seems like the tickets she gave me are fake.

IRENE: How can they be fake?

MINDY: Something tells me they are (shows her the tickets which are drawn by crayon)

IRENE: How can you not notice this before?

MINDY: Sorry I was in such a rush that, I think the tickets I handed in to get in the first place were also drawn with crayons….. (looks up thinking) anyways this isn't going to be a problem is it? I wont get real tickets until like 2 weeks.

IRENE: 2 we- Uncle Mindy! I don't have 2 weeks! All my clothes, my possessions are on the way to Kansas, who's going to pick them up?

MINDY: Joanne will get them she told me.

IRENE: (Sighs)

MINDY: The apartment is still under your name right?

IRENE: Yeah my dad was going to sell my bed but he hasn't.

MINDY: Don't you have couches?

IRENE: Jack sold them already.

MINDY: Really?

IRENE: No, he and Karen kind of stole them from me. But that's ok I can sleep over at Will's for the next 2 last weeks here. (Sighs)

MINDY: You sure you really want to leave here? You seem to really like New York.

IRENE: I do, but I got to make my own roots you know? People my age, who are still with their parents, are losers.

MINDY: Will is a great guy, you've known him for only 5 years.

IRENE: I know he's a great guy, he's an amazing guy. He's so open and intimate and the thing is, I am his dream come true. Grace tells me numerous stories of how he always wanted to be a dad and now he is, and found out he has been all this time he's….. so grateful! He wasn't there for me when I was a baby, I have so many years to make up with him but so little time to make it up. I want to stay, but I cant.

MINDY: Why not?

IRENE: Because I am holding him back. Gays don't have kids.

MINDY: Will is gay?

IRENE: You didn't know?

MINDY: That'd explain that bathroom incident.

IRENE: I don't even want to know what you mean by that. Anyways, I am a restriction from Will, he wants me to introduce me to his boyfriends, not as his daughter because that's a huge step, but he wants to introduce me as a friend because I am in his life and everything gets all complicated and….. You wouldn't understand uncle Mindy…..

MINDY: It's your choice, I'm only supporting it. (Kisses her forehead)

(Later in the restaurant)

KAREN: (sighs) that was one good all-you-can-eat dinner.

GRACE: Time to unbutton my pants. (Does it)

WILL: Man I am so mad, the dinner was completely pointless! This was supposed to be a goodbye for Irene and now she is staying for 2 more weeks! Not that I am glad she's staying a little longer but still, I have to throw another one when she leaves?

IRENE: Will (puts her hand on his shoulder and turns him towards her) calm down….. you don't have to do anything for me, ok?

WILL: Ok.

IRENE: (Makes a face)

WILL: What do you need?

IRENE: Can I sleep over your place, Mindy is going to take my bed.

WILL: Why don't you sleep with him?

MINDY: I used to be a bum and Joanne gave me shelter….. I shared a bed with her and it was a nightmare.

IRENE: He rolls around a lot.

MINDY: Well you hog the sheets.

IRENE: How can I be I'm not rolling myself into them every 5 minutes!

MINDY: (Beat) you're right, she's pleasant.

IRENE: I love you too, Uncle Mindy.

WILL: Sure you can sleep over at my place, it's not a problem.

IRENE: Thank you.

KAREN: The question still remains….. _is Irene's hottie uncle a hottie queer?_

MINDY: Pardon?

IRENE: Karen!

KAREN: (Looks up, thinking) Did I just say that out loud?

IRENE: Because its obvious, look at him….. (plays with his hair) great head of hair you'll know he'll have until he's 80 (puts her hand on his chest) great style of clothes (punches his chest) fit. (Beat) (Does a huge gasp) oh my god, are you?

MINDY: No I am not!

IRENE: Oh thank god (Hugs him and touches his face) wait, are you wearing make up?

MINDY: No.

IRENE: (Licks her thumb)

MINDY: Don't lick your thumb.

IRENE: (Rubs it on his face)

MINDY: Ugh, why do you do that?

IRENE: Why do you have to lie? (Shows the thumb with a smear of make-up)

MINDY: Now I have to reapply.

GRACE: I want my money.

JACK: What? No! The guy is in denial! He's wearing make up for god's sakes!

GRACE: Straight men wear make up sometimes.

JACK: Like….. never? Ugh I am going to make him come out….you know what they say, tootie fruity makes tootie come out of your booty, and believe it or not, I AM TOOTIE FRUITY. (Beat) Still not funny?

(Whole table shakes their heads)

IRENE: Almost got it though.

END


	20. Interview Bloopers

AUTOR'S NOTE: Even though I am using their real names, I am not quoting them…fictional…remember!

Interviewer N, Irene Irene, Character real name.

N: Hello and welcome to another special interview and bloopers episode, here with me are the original cast of Will and Grace and along with them is "Irene". Hi.

ALL: Hey

N: So, another season is about to go to an end, what are some of your personal thoughts?

ERIC: Well I feel that it's a little better than last season, it seems to flow better, by stories. Last season was a little random, I have to say but this one has improved because it had the original elements seen in season one as well as some evolution seen in later seasons.

DEBRA: Yeah I felt that it had improved by a little from last season.

N: So, Irene, I heard you were leaving the show?

IRENE: Yes (sighs) I am.

N: Why is that?

IRENE: I guess…well I kind of feel that I've left a good mark on "Will and Grace" and the character, Irene, was to be used as a way to get up ratings and last season was good but this season Irene was made more into like a Rosario character. She's there, you know she's there, you just hardly see or hear about her, you know? Anyways, the people of "Will and Grace" found that they are doing fine with or without Irene, so we can make do without the character.

N: I heard it was your choice to leave.

IRENE: Yep I want to move on towards a different direction.

N: Well we're rooting for ya….. I got a list of guest stars that have appeared on "Will and Grace" and I want you each to give an opinion about them. Bobby Cannavale.

ERIC: Oh him, of course he's great and we're grateful for having some time to work with him.

DEBRA: Yes, he's been on such demand ever since he came on the show, I think it got him a lot of publicity and now he's doing his own thing.

IRENE: I never worked with him last season but you know he's a great guy I really enjoyed having him as a second TV dad.

SEAN: Ugh I miss him. He was great, he was kind, he changed the perspective of show like reassuring the audience that Will can carry on a serious relationship and well…..still gay. (Laughs)

MEGAN: Yeah I agree with what Sean said, he changed the show in a good way and it was great working with him the time we had him.

N: Ed Burns.

ERIC: Oh well he's new, not only that, he's pretty famous and he plays a very likeable character, supposedly with no flaws…..

DEBRA: He's a really good kisser.

N: Really?

DEBRA: (Nods and gives a crooked smile)

N: (Laughs)

IRENE: Well I only had one scene with him, and he's really sweet offstage. I don't know if my character is supposed to like him though (thinks) but yeah I think he's a cross of Ed Norton and Matthew Perry, acting and look-wise, just brilliant.

SEAN: He hasn't done a lot of comedic roles and a lot of our guest stars are like that, they want their first comedic experience on Will and Grace because it's, you know, it's smart.

MEGAN: (Laughs to herself) I hate being last, everything's been said, I don't know. He's doing a good job.

N: Dan Futterman

ERIC: I'll let Megan go first.

MEGAN: (Laughs) Thanks uh…..we only had one episode with him back and he didn't get a lot of camera time but supposedly his character, Barry, had evolved into a more "efficient" I guess is the word for it, gay man.

N: Ok I want Irene's opinion on Eva Mendez.

IRENE: Oh my god, is that "Frankie"?

SEAN: (Laughs) Yes it is.

IRENE: Yeah I love her!

ALL: (Laughs a little)

IRENE: No seriously, I love the character Frankie, she was like you know, trying to take Irene's place as Jack's second hag and me and her get into a cat fight a fight that Irene and Karen usually get in, verbally.

SEAN: Funniest story, in the scene where Irene and Frankie fight.

IRENE: Oh gosh….. (head falls in hands)

SEAN: She got really carried away that it was scary.

N: We got that blooper.

IRENE: Really?

N: Don't you turn red now…..

IRENE: Ok (closes her eyes)

N: None of that either. Roll clip.

Episode 4: Secrets on Apartments.

JACK: (Comes out dressed and sees Frankie and Irene fighting on the floor)

IRENE: (Pulling Frankie's hair) You little b-

FRANKIE: (Slaps her)

IRENE: Ah! (Sits on her and bites her arm)

JAMES BURROWS: Whoa, whoa cut.

IRENE: (Stands up)

JAMES BURROWS: We cut that part out.

IRENE: What?

JAMES BURROWS: We cut out that part remember, sweetie?

EVERYONE: (Laughs)

IRENE: (Hugs Sean and helps Eva up) I am so sorry.

EVA: (Stands laughing)

JAMES BURROWS: You ok?

EVA: Look at my arm. (Shows the camera teeth marks) Its acting, Irene, don't really do it.

IRENE: Sorry! (Winces)

EVA: Oh.

JAMES BURROWS: Ready?

EVA: (Starts laughing again) I'm getting beaten up by a 17 year old!

N: So Irene, you're 18 now? What's it like to play someone older?

IRENE: It's definitely harder than it is to play a character who's younger because you have already past that stage in life so you know how to act it. With Irene, I am just guessing all the time and observe, she knows this, Debra off camera.

DEBRA: One time I saw her staring at me across the room, while I was eating a sandwich and taking notes.

ALL: (Laughs)

IRENE: (Shrugs) well like, since my character is 21 the writers and directors wants me to drink wine, when others are, drink alcohol, when they are, to make it more believable and make Irene look like more into the group.

N: In one episode you had like martini.

IRENE: The red lobster episode.

N: Yeah, what was really in it?

IRENE: Water. (Laughs) It was dirty right? I think they added lime to it. To make it more smoky and with the olives it tasted weird.

N: We got a clip of you taking a sip too.

Episode 10: Queer Eye for Karen's Will.

IRENE: Am I supposed to take a drink?

JAMES BURROWS: I'm sorry?

IRENE: Do I take a sip, saying this line?

JAMES BURROWS: Yeah.

MEGAN: No, not that one, Irene, that one's mine it's real.

IRENE: (Laughs)

MEGAN: This one's yours….. (hands her a glass)

SEAN & DEBRA: (Hands her theirs and switch them around)

IRENE: Don't do that to me!

MEGAN: (Laughs) Ok, ok it's this one.

IRENE: (Drinks it) Yeah that's mine.

SEAN: Really? Or is it a real one and you want to keep drinking?

(They look at each other for a long time)

IRENE: I don't know anymore. (Laughs)

N: What was it like to work with Chad Michael Murray?

IRENE: Oh yeah he played James, I wasn't into the whole Irene-James relationship but Chad really worked hard to do our dance routine and at the last minute, the decided to cut it out and have only Eric and Debra dance because they are good at it and yeah.

N: I have a couple of mess ups in that episode.

Episode 11: Ballroom Rumble

IRENE: Is it skin colored lined with daisies?

GRACE: Yeah.

IRENE: (Holds her hand out)

DEBRA: (Tries to take it out) I can't get it off!

ERIC: (Looks inside her sleeve and sticks his finger in there to adjust something)

DEBRA: (Gets it out and it hits Eric's face)

EVERYONE: (Laughs)

DEBRA: I am so sorry.

ERIC: (Sighs) my wife's going to kill me.

DEBRA: (Laughs and goes back to Grace's bedroom)

JACK & KAREN: (Tripping everywhere, getting out)

WILL: (Grabbing Grace and dancing)

IRENE: (Starts running out but trips on the rug) Oh! (Falls)

ERIC: (Helps her up)

IRENE: (Pats him on the back and sits back down)

SEAN & MEGAN: (Running like "Jack" and "Karen" back in)

IRENE: (Laughs a little)

JACK: Karen (talks through the side of his mouth) I'm not going to let her know all I got, just a taste, a BIG taste so she thinks she's got the whole sh-(censored) what is the line? (Laughs a little) Ok I got it. This line makes absolute no sense to me.

GRACE: Yeah ok. (Runs and then trips on something and falls, grabbing Eric's leg for support, almost pantsing him.)

ERIC: (Holds his pants up) Wow that was close.

DEBRA: (Laughs) I wasn't ready to fall!

ERIC: (Helps her up) Ok ready?

N: So you just aired an episode featuring Ewan McGregor, what was that like?

IRENE: Oh wow, he was the one, excluding Eric, Debra, Sean, and Megan, that inspired me to be an actor he's fantastic! I mean everytime I have a scene with him and talk to him it's like, "Oh my god I am talking to Ewan McGregor."

ERIC: Wait I want to reenact Irene's reaction.

SEAN: Me too.

ERIC: Ok I'm Ewan, you be Irene.

SEAN: Ok.

ERIC: (Walks off, walks back on)

JACK: (Screaming) Oh my god Ewan McGregor! (Goes up and hugs him) Oh my god, I love you! I love you, I love you, I love you! You're the best. (Screams)

IRENE: (Laughs with her head down) just like Debra and Streisand.

DEBRA: Yeah you're not alone, hon.

Episode 19: Questionable Tootie Fruity

EWAN: (Comes in)

IRENE: Ewan McGregor! (Runs up and hugs him)

EWAN: Irene, Sean, Eric, Megan, and Debra!

(Group hug)

N: Ok now I want to know who's been your favorite guest star.

ERIC: Mine is a regular, Bobby.

DEBRA: I like Ed Burns, it's just because I had the most air time with him and our characters click.

IRENE: You already know mine, Ewan McGregor.

MEGAN: I like Michael McDonald and Alex Borestien. Both Mad TV stars and played unique characters on the show. Alex as Kimi, Michael as Jude. Both good episodes.

SEAN: I like the Rooster lady.

ERIC: Oh yeah her.

SEAN: She played Angela in Ballroom Rumble.

ERIC: It was hard because out of no where she'd crow or like do police sirens.

N: Ok well we're almost out of time, how about some hints on the finale.

SEAN: Well one things for sure, Irene is going to stick around until then.

N: Well we'll look forward to that. That's the end for this segment. Keep tuning in on Will and Grace.

END


End file.
